Funny 115 - version 2.0
China, Fans vs Favorites, Heroes vs Villains (but mostly
When I first sat down to plan out the Funny 115,
there were a handful of players that I already knew were going to get
character entries. There were some Survivor players over the
past few seasons that were so funny, or so
memorable, or so
much larger than life, that I practically could have written
character entry before I even sat down to research the
And then there were some who were just ridiculous
I sat down to plan out the Funny
115, here are the people I knew were going to get character
Coach, for sure. Come on. You have to use The
what's great about that is that The Dragonslayer would pretty much tell
you the exact same thing.
Randy, for sure. I love Randy. And now after
character entry, hopefully you love Randy too.
Courtney Yates. Who doesn't love Courtney Yates?
wouldn't like to get their own character entry, plus some ass?
4. Shane. I knew I would have to write about Shane.
Mainly because I appreciate insanity as much as the next guy.
5. Tyson. As per Mario's rules of the world, anybody who
me of Johnny Lawrence from the Cobra Kai is automatically going to get
their own Funny 115 character entry.
"Sweep the leg. Do you have a problem with that?"
"Don't boss me around, lady."
So anyway, those were the big
five. Coach, Randy, Courtney Y, Shane, and Tyson.
were the five that I knew were going to get their own character entry.
I thought that BobDawg, Cirie, Dave Cruser, Jean-Robert, or
Courtney Marit might also slip in there as well, but those
never a slam dunk like I knew the first five were going to be.
then of course there was Danger Dave Ball, who I barely even
paid attention to the first time I watched Samoa. It took
hardcore fans of Danger Dave to convince me to pay attention to him the
second time I watched. So I did. And I was rewarded
one of the most underrated funny characters in Survivor history.
will forever give thanks to the fans of Danger Dave who got me to pay
attention to him and finally realize just how awesome a character he
Wenching. Lots more wenching.
as you will notice from the title of this page, this isn't a character
entry about Coach. Or about either of the Courtneys.
Or about Cirie or
Dave Cruser or BB or someone else who was kind of funny like Nate.
this is a character entry that I never for one minute expected
include on the Funny 115. Out of all the entries on the
countdown, out of all 115 of them, this is the one that I had never
expected to write at all.
Why did I never expect to include it?
the reason for that is because when I first sat down to plan out the
Funny 115, I had no idea that James Clement was so god damn
"You're an interesting guy, James. What do you do?"
that is the first scene involving James (the gravedigger) in Survivor:
China. That is the first time he ever interacts with anyone.
And it is the first hint of the season that this
giant imposing scary looking muscly dude is going to be a
lot smarter and a lot funnier than you would think.
By the way, before
I write the rest of this entry, there is something I should probably
point out. Most people who know my writing or know me from
know this, but to people who are not familiar with me or are just
reading the Funny 115 for the first time, there is something I should
probably point out before I go any further.
Here's the truth. I am
-not- a fan of modern Survivor. I don't like the direction
the show has gone over the past few years, and I really don't like the
crap that Probst and the producers (mostly Probst) have pulled over the
last few seasons. In fact, if you want my honest opinion, I
that Redemption Island (the most recent season at the time I wrote
this) was a complete and total piece of crap.
If you were to ask my honest
opinion, I would say that Survivor had a bunch of A+ flawless seasons
at the beginning, and then it tailed off pretty dramatically.
think the fall started around Guatemala, I think it hastened really
quickly between Exile Island and Fiji, and I think the show has pretty
flatlining ever since. If you were to ask me what I thought
about modern Survivor, I would say there has only been one spectacular
A+ flawless season since Vanuatu.
Blasphemy, There was no Survivor before me. I'm
I said, I feel there has only been one A+ flawless season of Survivor
over the past six years. Sure, there might have been some fun
ones during that time span, and maybe even a couple of really good
ones. But when it comes to what I all an A+ flawless season,
think there has only been one.
just what is that season that I think is so good? The one
that I think
deserves to be held among the elite of the first nine (well, eight plus
All-Stars) groundbreaking Survivor seasons?
Well it is the first season featuring James, of course.
The only "modern" season that I would rank among the elite seasons is
"Gonna make 'em love me."
was -amazed- by Survivor: China when I went back to rewatch it for my
Funny 115 research. I was just blown away. There
so many great characters in it. There were just so many great
scenes. There were just so many funny little quotes and
quirks and moments.
above it all, there was one character who stood out to me, head and
shoulders above the rest. And yes, I mean -literally- head
shoulders above the rest. Head and shoulders above the rest,
along with one of the most adorable smiles in Survivor history.
Survivor: China was more or less the James Clement show
know people reading this will scoff. They will read this and
"China couldn't have been the James show. China was the Todd
show. That season was all about how a sneaky little gay
attendant can pull off a nearly perfect game of Survivor."
I will agree with you. Todd was a great winner. In
Todd is actually one of my favorite Survivor winners of all time.
I wish I could have included him more often on the Funny
But Todd was -not- the focal point of most of the season.
I mean, yeah he won, sure, but a lot of his storyline was
told in terms of how it intertwined with James. James was the
most of the episodes were centered around.
"But James wasn't
even the funniest guy in the season!", I can hear you saying next.
"Courtney was! Courtney was -way- funnier than
it is true. Courtney is probably funnier than James.
you know what? Funny doesn't account for everything
countdown. Even if it is titled... um... The Funny 115.
Because when I sit down to write the character entries, I am looking
two different things from my characters. I am looking for
And I am looking for them to be awesome. And there
few people who have ever combined funny and awesome as well as James
Even if his accent was so thick that half the time you
couldn't even understand him.
So anyway, here we go. My character tribute to James Clement.
I said, China is by far my favorite season of the past six years, and
almost all of that is because of James. He was such a
character in China, and was so awesome, and was so memorable, and was
so much more clever and sly and funny than you would think just by
looking at him, that I knew he would get his own character entry the
minute I finished his season. I also knew it would probably
up in the top 40.
To me, his character entry was as much of a slam dunk selection as
"Yes, I too have a thick Louisiana accent."
here we go. My top ten all time favorite James
moments (not including the awkward "I bury people" scene with Leslie,
which I included above).
Sit back and enjoy.
James is one of my favorites.
MY TOP TEN FAVORITE
10. James sings
a good morning song to wake everyone up.
It is the morning of day 25 in China, and James has a little surprise
he would like to share with everyone
As usual, he is the only one awake
Even the monkeys are asleep
Looks like it is time for James to bring a bright ray of sunshine to
So he walks over to the shelter...
He clears his throat...
And he takes a deep breath
(singing at the top of his lungs) "Goooooood morning!!
Whaaaaaat the fuuuuuuuck?
(still singing) "I've come to say
Even the monkeys are shocked awake
morning, good morning, to you!"
lot of people requested that I include this scene in my James entry,
since it comes out of nowhere, and because it is so James.
what a lot of people don't
notice about it is that there is a very funny visual joke hidden in it
as well. Because, you see, the Hae Da Fung tribe likes their
sleep. And they doesn't take shit like this from
And just what is this mysterious visual joke that I didn't even catch
until the fourth time I watched it?
Well just check out Peih Gee's hand.
The minute James starts to sing
Her hand pops up out from underneath her sleeping bag
And she tells him to fuck off
Oh, and here is another great James moment that a lot of people seem to
I mean, come on, who can forget...
inexplicable crush on Denise
I love this storyline. It is so random.
James and Denise walkin' down a path
Tryin' to feel up her A-S-S
really does bust her ass out here. She's the other one that
really pulls the rope around here. I mean, you can't beat
"I like women like her. She's a strong, good woman. "
"She's there to complement you and work with you. That's
attractive. I like that."
"If Denise was ten years younger or I was older, whichever way..."
"Denise would be in trouble."
James would tap that
8. James drops a Muntz on
talked about this one. But I wanted to bring it up
again because it is a great example of James being unexpectedly funny.
7. James and
all the apple references
a fun Survivor drinking game? Take a drink every time James
all Garden of Eden and starts warning people not to take the apple.
I swear he does it at least ten times in Heroes vs Villains,
least twenty times in Fans vs Favorites, and at least infinity times in
China. Start playing the James Garden of Eden drinking game
around the third episode of China, and by the episode James gets voted
out you will drunker than Sugar.
Well I guess we know what James Clement's favorite Bible story was as a
kid, now don't we?
"Don't take the damn apple!"
"Somebody's dumb ass is gonna take the damn apple."
"As long as none of us take the apple, we gonna be good."
"*undecipherable* dummy gonna *undecipherable* *undecipherable* gotta
*undecipherable* the *undecipherable* apple!"
"Jean-Robert, I hope your dumb ass doesn't get greedy and take the
"My mom used to buy me juice as a kid, Amanda. It was
6. James points
out that the Chinese know how to make wontons
Ha ha. Here is a great exchange between James and Jean-Robert
when they eat Chinese food in an ancient monastery.
Yum. Time for dinner.
Everyone digs in
Jean-Robert: "Wow! Wontons are great!"
"James, you think they know how to make wontons here?"
James: "Yes, I do believe."
"This place has been here for a thousand years."
"I think they might have made a wonton or two, what you think?"
The Frenchman busts up
5. James and
the two idols
by now I am pretty sure you know the story of how James was voted out
in China while he still had a pair of hidden immunity idols.
If you don't know it, here is the short and quick version:
Jaime throws a challenge to get rid of James
James is not amused. He mentally starts digging her grave.
wait, here comes Todd to the rescue. He is going to give
hidden immunity idol, so James can turn the tables and vote out Jaime
Todd explains the plan. He also promises not to take the
James (excitedly): *indecipherable*!
James gets the idol to protect himself
Then James goes and he finds a second idol.
"I went and found the other one and now I got both of them."
"I'm on Survivor with two idols."
as high as James is at the moment, and as much willpower he has not to
take the apple, unfortunately his tribesmates around him don't have
quite as much apple-resisting willpower. Because a few
later, still with two hidden idols in his possession, his tribemates
The jury reacts
James gets smuffed. Fucking apple grabbers.
In his final words, James holds up the two idols he left the game
without ever playing
a lot of people wanted me to include this as its own entry. A
of people thought that "The Fall of James Clement" should have been a
Funny 115 entry on its own.
But there is one
aspect of this storyline that I did think was funny
and I did
think it was particularly awesome, and I'm not sure that everyone out
there even noticed it when it happened.
Are you ready for this?
Five seasons later, James brought the two China idols as his Heroes vs
Villains luxury item
4. What in the
Just like the Muntz scene, we already talked about this scene
in its own entry. However, since I love the Nickelodeon quote
much, and since I use the quote "OH BITCH!" on pretty much a daily
basis, I thought it was fair to include it here as well.
"What in the Nickelodeon is goin' on 'round here?"
3. James loves
to make fun of Jean-Robert
if there is one aspect of James that you should love in China, it is
this one. It is the fact that he pretty much makes fun of The
Frenchman at least once per episode.
If ever there was a reason why I think James was the real hero of
China, here it is.
Ready for some fun Bad Boy of Poker abuse?
It is night 21, and Hae Da Fung is just getting back from Tribal Council
Turns out that Jean-Robert got a couple of votes tonight. He
whines about to the cameras.
Jaime voted for me. Waaaaaaah.
in the shelter? The Frenchman is pouting in the corner
people voted for him tonight. In fact, he won't move over
Erik comes in and wants to sleep next to him.
Erik comes in and wants to go to sleep. Sorry Jesus.
No room at the Inn.
James hears this exchange and pipes up
Uh, yeah. Everyone is scared of the Frenchman.
Well everyone except James that is. James isn't the slightest
bit scared of him.
"What the hell? Move over!!"
"Goodness gracious, sakes alive."
James continue to rail on The Frenchman
"You wouldn't want to move, so shut up James."
James just stares at Jean-Robert in disbelief
And of course I love James' pitiless reply.
What? Somebody voted for Jean-Robert tonight?
But I'm the Bad Boy of Poker! People fear me!
Everyone laughs as Jean-Robert just turns and pouts in the corner
here's another great scene where James just starts mocking Jean-Robert.
I love how casually he just goes right into it here.
Jean-Robert is angry about the twist. He is furious that the
tribe is about to lose Aaron and James
"I can't stand it! We're losing our two strongest warriors!"
Courtney (snidely): "I thought you were our strongest
James (piping in, mockingly): "Yeah, you Jean-Robert."
James (laughing): "Ha ha! Yeah!"
BUT I'M THE BAD BOY!!!!
and here's my favorite James mocking Jean-Robert moment. This
happens at Tribal Council, and even gets a laugh out of the Frenchman.
Which is pretty cool, because you don't see a smile come out
the Bad Boy of The Baguette very often.
Jean Robert is at Tribal Council: Blah blah blah blah blah
"James, why does that bother you?"
"Jean Robert, he just don't be quiet. "
"I don't know. He just don't stop."
"When he's tired, he'll announce that he's tired."
"He doesn't have to do that. When you're tired, just go lay
"We understand, you're a card player. You've never been in
"You're used to people bringing your food up to you."
"Probably putting it in your mouth, and helpin' you chew."
"You know, we don't expect that much from you."
The Frenchman smiles
Ten minutes later, even Jaime gets it
2. James gives
the funniest answer in reunion show history*
(* other than Boston Rob thanking Sarah for bringing her boobs to
normally I don't include reunion show moments on the Funny 115.
Normally, I think it is cheating because I don't consider
shows or recap episodes to be real Survivor episodes.
I will make an exception for this one because it always makes me laugh
so much. And also because this is just part of a character
It is the Survivor: China reunion show, and Jeff just asked James what
it is like to be so popular now.
"The reaction has been nice. I've been enjoying it."
"I get it a lot from kids... and..."
"and... older guys?... a lot."
Why hello, sailor.
"Really? Just kids and older guys?"
"What's the craziest thing that's happened?"
"What's the weirdest situation where somebody's come up and said, hey,
you're James from Survivor."
"Um, a couple weeks ago at a funeral."
"You know, I'm doing my thing."
"What is your thing?"
set up. I set up the tent. I set up the chairs.
I set everything up.
Then they bring over the deceased and do their whole
then they leave."
"Well this time while I was waiting, I was waiting for 'em to leave.
They had two ladies, and they just stayed there."
they need help with something. Like with flowers.
So I walked over to
'em and I was like, you know, do you need anything?"
"And they were like it's him! It's him! It's the
"And it's all happy."
"And I was like, who else am I gonna be?"
"So I said yes ma'am. How ya doin?"
"I shook their hands, and I took a couple of pictures."
"Turns out later it was the mom and the sister."
legendary "You got to have one of theeeeeeeeeese!" confessional
If you are looking for the all time best James Clement
moment, I believe you have to pick this one. In fact, I
would go so far as to say that this could even be
considered the all time best Survivor confessional ever.
is this scene alone that I think pretty much skyrockets China up into
the stratosphere. To me, this is the single best moment of
the entire season.
yes, I know what you are thinking. Yes, The Fall of Jaime
is going to get an entry on the Funny 115. Matter of fact, it
going to wind up in the Top 10.
But I love this James
confessional so much that I am going to include it twice on the
countdown. I am going to include it here, as part of the
character entry, and I am going to include it again later during the
Fall of Jaime entry. That's how much I love this particular
Let's watch it again, shall we? Maybe after this you will
love it as much as I do.
is the seventh episode of Survivor: China, and James is laughing about
the fact that Jaime is about to play a fake idol at Tribal Council.
And with that... we let the magic begin...
"There's no way this dummy grabbed the wrong one."
"Cause it would have to say immunity or somethin' on it."
He starts losing it
"The thought of this woman, havin a blank one..."
"I would not be able to take it. I would pass out in pure
"My head would explode! (laughing) I mih... please
let that happen!"
"Please. That would be the best thing ever!"
this point James is now laughing so hard that you can't understand a
word he says. Combine that with his thick Louisiana accent,
you have no idea what the hell is actually coming out of his mouth.
He is just laughing and babbling. So from this
(at least in this entry), I will just write it out phonetically.
"She pull out blank thing. And sly..."
"One jew me??"
"Eyelow ha rye donnit!"
"Oughtta span unchin!"
know, I know. That's kind of mean. But seriously,
transcribing an excited and babbling James. Between the
and the accent and the giddiness, that is probably my favorite Survivor
confessional ever. I love that James knew this was about to
an amazing Funny 115 entry.
How 'bout one of theeeeeeeeeeese?
anyway, there you go. My tribute to one of my favorite
characters of all time. A guy who, even though he looked mean
imposing and scary, was still
one of the funniest and most giggly Survivor players of the past twenty
two seasons. A guy who, even though he was speaking English,
still had to subtitle.
James Clement become an asshole in Heroes vs Villains? Was
lot less likable later down the road, as compared to the first time we
saw him, in Survivor: China?
In the parlance of professional wrestling, at a certain point James
sort of turned heel.
Wait, who's that coming out to attack America's Sweetheart?
Good God! That's James Clement's music!
What is he
you know what? Yeah James eventually turned heel.
happens to the best of them. But you know, Andre the Giant
turned heel too. And by the time he ended his
wrestling career, people came back to loving him again.
all I care about is that James was one of the best characters in
Survivor history when he first appeared on the scene in China.
That is all I care about, that is all I will ever care about,
to me he is the reason that China stands alone alongside the earlier
J.T. "Hey James, would you like a banana?"
James: "I would love one, J.T. Just please don't
grab the apple."
I couldn't find a way to fit this scene into the entry, but
here's a great comment about James from a reader named Matt:
"I was just rewatching
Survivor: China and in episode 4 when they kidnapped Dave, James has an
awesome moment that you should include. James is eating a lime and Dave
asks what it is and James gives him one. Dave gets so happy that he
goes in for a hug, and James gives him this look and says "You know
what I told you about hugging, right?" And Dave responds saying "Oh
yeah, I know, I know."
In the short time he had been on the
tribe, Dave had already tried to hug James so many times that they
already had to set up ground rules about hugging. I had to
rewatch that scene so many times because it was unbelievably funny.
Rewatch the scene you'll definitely want to add it to the countdown."
Not a hugger