The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#66. Denise sucks
at life
China - finale
Courtney Yates - word assassin
On the original Funny 115, one of my favorite entries of them all was #79
- Boston Rob Slams the Rotus.
That's the scene where Rob Mariano sits there and
systematically
slams every single member of the Rotu tribe in Marquesas. It
was
the first time something like that had ever happened on Survivor, and I
thought it was spectacular.
When I first saw the famous Boston
Rob scene, I remember thinking that, as much as I loved it, it was
probably the most poorly thought out thing I had ever seen on
television. And I always wondered what Rob's mom must have
been
thinking the first time she saw it. I always wondered what
Mama
Mariano was thinking the moment that her son essentially committed
character suicide on national TV.
Ah yes, eight years
ago. Boston Rob slams the Rotus. Such a simple
time.
Apparently we lived in a much gentler time back in the early
2000's.
Because if you thought Boston Rob's comments about the
Rotus were mean and unnecessary... just wait until you see what comes
out of Courtney from China's mouth.
Denise Martin - victim
Here's
the scene: It is the final four in China, and the vote that
night is probably going to come down to one person. It is
probably going to be hard working blue collar lunch lady Denise
(above).
She is the last "older" player left in an alliance with
three much younger players, and she knows that her age alone means she
is probably doomed.
Courtney - one of said younger people who is not going home
Unfortunately there's
no way I can do the next scene justice just by writing about it.
To truly appreciate it, you sort of have
to experience it the way
that the viewers experienced
it.
And, well, hey. Look at that. Luckily the CBS
editors are going to help us out quite a bit here, because they
subtitled the entire scene.
So
anyway, here you go. Here is Denise arguing her case why she
deserves a shot to win a million dollars, followed by Courtney's
rebuttal as to why she doesn't. If you have children in the
room you might want to
cover their eyes.
Because this one is going to be ugly.
And Courtney's rebuttal?
Well
let's just say that Boston Rob is now officially off the hook.
Because he is no longer responsible for the meanest thing
ever said on Survivor.
Miss Yates?
Wow.
I
mean, I've seen a lot of staggering things on Survivor. I've
seen
things that I never thought I would ever see on TV. But to
see a
quote like "Denise sucks at life"? And even more staggering--
the
editors actually left it in???
To my dying day I will never
understand why the editors left this scene in the China finale.
I
will never understand why they thought it was a good idea to let Denise
and her family hear this on national TV. Because if you
thought
I was stunned when I heard it, just imagine what Denise and people who
knew Denise must have felt. Good lord. This quote
makes
Boston Rob slamming the Rotus sound like an episode of Elmo's World.
And
I know what you're thinking. You're probably sitting there
reading this and saying, "Well if this quote was so harsh and cruel,
why did you even put it in the Funny 115? Did you really
laugh
when you heard it??"
Well actually, to tell you the truth, yeah
I did. Not so much at Denise, but at the fact that the bar
for
mean things said on Survivor had now officially been re-set.
Nothing else was ever
going to come close to Denise sucking at life. Ever.
Courtney took everything that Boston
Rob ever said or
did in Marquesas and All-Stars, and she took a tiny blonde anorexic
steaming dump on it.
Oh,
and then she smiled and called herself the biggest bitch on the planet
because she knew the magnitude of what she had just managed
to
pull off.
Courtney knew her Survivor history. And she knew she was now
officially
a part of it.
Just like Boston Rob and his mom... man... I wonder what her family
thought when they saw this scene on TV for the first time.
Not a guilty smile. That's a smile of triumph.
P.S.
By the way, I know people are going to take this entry and
read
it the wrong way. They're going to say "Stop making fun of
Denise, that's not nice." Well I'm not making fun of Denise.
I happen to think she was an awesome Survivor character.
I
would never say anything like Denise sucks at life. If
anything, I think that
Denise is quite average at life.
"Well then you hate Courtney",
someone will say. "You're only saying this because you think
she's a bitch." Actually that's not true either. In
fact
it's so not true that it's kind of offensive. Courtney Yates
is
one of my top five favorite female players of all time. I
love
just about everything that has ever come out of her mouth.
You'll
see that as we get further and further along in the countdown.
No,
the reason I included this moment is because A) it is a historic
Survivor quote, B) it is the meanest and most poorly thought out thing
ever said on Survivor, and C) by including it, I now have a reason to
post this next picture, which is one of my favorite
pictures on
the countdown:
Jeff Probst asks Courtney about the "Denise sucks at life" quote during
the reunion, and Courtney subtly flips him off.
God bless you Courtney.
P.P.S.
I debated long and hard about including this next P.S., but
what
the hell. You came here for entertainment so here you go.
A
friend of mine who is prominent at Survivor Sucks (and who I won't
name), reminded me that Denise had been busted after China for lying
about losing her job, and she had to return all the money that CBS gave
her out of charity. If you never heard about that story, here
you go. It was quite the Survivor scandal at the
time.
My
friend pointed out "So let's see... Denise goes on national TV, she
lies about losing her job, and then when her boss busts her in the
newspaper she has to return all the money and apologize to the
public. Hmmmm. In the long run maybe
Courtney
shouldn't have had to apologize. Turns out that "Denise sucks
at life" might
-not-
have been entirely inaccurate."
P.P.P.S. I really don't have a third P.S. I just
didn't
want that last one to be the last thing you read. So here's
another picture of Courtney. Isn't Survivor awesome?
