The Funny 115 - version 2.0

#66. Denise sucks at life
China - finale

Courtney Yates - word assassin

On the original Funny 115, one of my favorite entries of them all was #79 - Boston Rob Slams the Rotus.   That's the scene where Rob Mariano sits there and systematically slams every single member of the Rotu tribe in Marquesas.  It was the first time something like that had ever happened on Survivor, and I thought it was spectacular.

When I first saw the famous Boston Rob scene, I remember thinking that, as much as I loved it, it was probably the most poorly thought out thing I had ever seen on television.  And I always wondered what Rob's mom must have been thinking the first time she saw it.  I always wondered what Mama Mariano was thinking the moment that her son essentially committed character suicide on national TV.  

Ah yes, eight years ago.   Boston Rob slams the Rotus.  Such a simple time.  Apparently we lived in a much gentler time back in the early 2000's.

Because if you thought Boston Rob's comments about the Rotus were mean and unnecessary... just wait until you see what comes out of Courtney from China's mouth.

Denise Martin - victim

Here's the scene:   It is the final four in China, and the vote that night is probably going to come down to one person.  It is probably going to be hard working blue collar lunch lady Denise (above).   She is the last "older" player left in an alliance with three much younger players, and she knows that her age alone means she is probably doomed.

Courtney - one of said younger people who is not going home

Unfortunately there's no way I can do the next scene justice just by writing about it.  To truly appreciate it, you sort of have to experience it the way that the viewers experienced it.  

And, well, hey.  Look at that.  Luckily the CBS editors are going to help us out quite a bit here, because they subtitled the entire scene.

So anyway, here you go.  Here is Denise arguing her case why she deserves a shot to win a million dollars, followed by Courtney's rebuttal as to why she doesn't.  If you have children in the room you might want to cover their eyes.  

Because this one is going to be ugly.

Denise pleads her case to Amanda - keep me because I need the money.  My family is poor and I work very hard.  I really need this right now.

And Courtney's rebuttal?  

Well let's just say that Boston Rob is now officially off the hook.  Because he is no longer responsible for the meanest thing ever said on Survivor.

Miss Yates?


I mean, I've seen a lot of staggering things on Survivor.  I've seen things that I never thought I would ever see on TV.  But to see a quote like "Denise sucks at life"?  And even more staggering-- the editors actually left it in???

To my dying day I will never understand why the editors left this scene in the China finale.  I will never understand why they thought it was a good idea to let Denise and her family hear this on national TV.   Because if you thought I was stunned when I heard it, just imagine what Denise and people who knew Denise must have felt.  Good lord.  This quote makes Boston Rob slamming the Rotus sound like an episode of Elmo's World.

And I know what you're thinking.  You're probably sitting there reading this and saying, "Well if this quote was so harsh and cruel, why did you even put it in the Funny 115?  Did you really laugh when you heard it??"

Well actually, to tell you the truth, yeah I did.  Not so much at Denise, but at the fact that the bar for mean things said on Survivor had now officially been re-set.  Nothing else was ever going to come close to Denise sucking at life.  Ever.  Courtney took everything that Boston Rob ever said or did in Marquesas and All-Stars, and she took a tiny blonde anorexic steaming dump on it.

Oh, and then she smiled and called herself the biggest bitch on the planet because she knew the magnitude of what she had just managed to pull off.  

Courtney knew her Survivor history.  And she knew she was now officially a part of it.

Just like Boston Rob and his mom... man... I wonder what her family thought when they saw this scene on TV for the first time.

Not a guilty smile.  That's a smile of triumph.

P.S.  By the way, I know people are going to take this entry and read it the wrong way.  They're going to say "Stop making fun of Denise, that's not nice."  Well I'm not making fun of Denise.  I happen to think she was an awesome Survivor character.  I would never say anything like Denise sucks at life.  If anything, I think that Denise is quite average at life.

"Well then you hate Courtney", someone will say.  "You're only saying this because you think she's a bitch."  Actually that's not true either.  In fact it's so not true that it's kind of offensive.  Courtney Yates is one of my top five favorite female players of all time.  I love just about everything that has ever come out of her mouth.  You'll see that as we get further and further along in the countdown.

No, the reason I included this moment is because A) it is a historic Survivor quote, B) it is the meanest and most poorly thought out thing ever said on Survivor, and C) by including it, I now have a reason to post this next picture, which is one of my favorite pictures on the countdown:

Jeff Probst asks Courtney about the "Denise sucks at life" quote during the reunion, and Courtney subtly flips him off.  

God bless you Courtney.

P.P.S.  I debated long and hard about including this next P.S., but what the hell.   You came here for entertainment so here you go.

A friend of mine who is prominent at Survivor Sucks (and who I won't name), reminded me that Denise had been busted after China for lying about losing her job, and she had to return all the money that CBS gave her out of charity.  If you never heard about that story, here you go.  It was quite the Survivor scandal at the time.  

My friend pointed out "So let's see... Denise goes on national TV, she lies about losing her job, and then when her boss busts her in the newspaper she has to return all the money and apologize to the public.  Hmmmm.   In the long run maybe Courtney shouldn't have had to apologize.  Turns out that "Denise sucks at life" might -not- have been entirely inaccurate."

P.P.P.S.  I really don't have a third P.S.  I just didn't want that last one to be the last thing you read.  So here's another picture of Courtney.  Isn't Survivor awesome?


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