The
Funny 115 - The Third One
#26.
The Most Excellent Sugar Rush
Philippines - Episode 13
This entry is fun because it manages to stretch over two different
seasons. Which were over eleven years apart.
And because I'm a Survivor
Historian, you know I'm always a sucker
for fun
little crossover moments like that.
One good example
And a second good example
So anyway, let's go back to the spring of 2001.
Let's say there was a guy on Survivor a long time ago with the name
of...
... well, his name's not important.
For now, let's just refer to this guy as "Bob Johnson."
Miss Johnson, if you're nasty
So there was this guy Bob Johnson. And he was kind of a spaz. He did
lots of spazzy things. He said lots of spazzy quotes.
Overall, he was just kind of a nutcase.
FUCK YOU, SIA. I WANT PORK.
I'm not going to sit here and give you an entire Bob Johnson character
entry. I already did that on the first version
of the Funny 115.
What
I AM going to do, however, is highlight one of the greatest
Bob
Johnson quotes of them all. One that is sadly not remembered
all
that well in Survivor history. Which is a shame, because it's
incredible.
The Bob Johnson quote I want to highlight is this one, from episode 2
of Survivor: The Australian Outback.
It's just before dawn, and for some inexplicable reason Bob starts cooking a
pot of rice
The rest of the Kuchas see him cooking up some rice. And this bothers
them.
"Why is he cooking a pot of rice when nobody asked him to?"
The level of deception here bothers Jeff Varner. Why mess with our rice?
Even Rodger looks up. The fuck is Bob doing with the rice?
Shhhhh, Bob tells them. I'm making rice for you.
Bob starts a pot of rice. And then he heads off to go fishing.
And meanwhile the Kuchas are still wondering who even decided he should
be allowed to do that.
"He just put the rice on and he left!"
Jeff and Rodger aren't the only ones who are bothered by this. Even
Alicia Calaway weighs in.
"No one was even hungry, that was not cool."
"And that's just another example of Bob only thinking about
Bob."
So anyway, Bob cooks the rice too long, and it all turns into soft,
mushy crap.
No one is happy about it.
We are not happy about it
And then comes the quote that I feel more people should remember.
Where Bob sits down in his canoe, and he gives a paddling confessional.
"I think people are starting to get a little bit edgy about
food."
"They don't realize how bad it's gonna get."
"I am a STUDENT of nutrition."
"And I know what this is doing to my body."
"But these other people have no idea."
So
anyway, there's that. The infamous "I am a student of nutrition"
confessional. One of the many amazing lines that came out of the mouth
of Bob Johnson.
Is also a student of spears
Now, I bring up the "Student of Nutrition" line for two reasons.
The
first one is... have you ever listened to the DVD commentary for
Survivor: The Australian Outback? Yeah, I know. Nobody owns any
physical media anymore. But if you DO still use physical media, you
should totally get your hands on the DVD of Australian Outback. Just so
you can listen to one of the greatest Survivor roast sessions of them
all. That pretty much starts exactly like this.
Bob starts cooking a forbidden pot of rice
Jeff then complains about Bob and the rice
Rodger Bingham:
Food is a group decision. This was a bad idea.
Amber Brkich:
You don't wanna mess with food. Ever. You need to be very careful with
the tribe's food.
Keith Famie:
Cooking was tough on Ogakor because everyone wanted rice a different
way.
Rodger
Bingham: Boy, Jeff complained a lot.
Keith Famie:
He really did
Rodger Bingham:
It really bothered me sometimes.
And then comes the fun part.
[Bob Johnson announces that he is a student of nutrition]
Tina Wesson:
*snickers*
Rodger Bingham: Did
it bother you guys when Jeff complained all the time?
[everyone talks about Jeff being annoying for a while]
Tina Wesson (finally):
WHAT THE FUCK IS A STUDENT OF NUTRITION???
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT??
I
know, I know, I'm exaggerating. Tina doesn't actually swear. She has
gone on record saying that she never swears. Even though of course her
daughter has debunked this in an AMA:
Tina
doesn't actually swear during the Australian Outback commentary. But
man oh
man does she have fun roasting poor Bob Johnson. Seriously, if
you
happen to own the DVD, go listen to the commentaries involving Tina.
She only appears in two of them, but she mentions that Bob is a
"student of
nutrition" at least five different times. Just because she
wants
to point out how stupid it is. And because Tina is as vicious as a
pitbull when she wants to make fun of you.
Is a student of the smackdown
So that's
the first reason that "student of nutrition" line has always been so
awesome. Just because Tina fixates on it so hard during the Australia
DVD commentary. She simply never lets up.
Staying out of the fire and singing Fiona Apple are hard
And now we come to the SECOND reason that "student of nutrition" line
has always been so awesome.
It's because it rears its head again twenty-three seasons later! It
becomes relevant again during Survivor: Philippines!
You see, Bob's back
Okay, so we're now twelve years later. We're now in the thirteenth
episode of Survivor: Philippines.
Bob Johnson is back playing Survivor again, for a second time.
And this time around, he's doing very well for himself.
He's in a final four alliance
He's pretty much dominating the game
He hasn't set himself on fire yet
All things considered, he's doing FANTASTIC at Survivor the second time
around.
And that leads us into the awesome reward he takes part in in episode
thirteen.
It's episode thirteen now, and today the Dangraynes are
competing for reward
"Wanna know what you're playing for?"
YES WE DO WANT TO KNOW
"You'll be picked up in a helicopter."
"Then you'll land, and board a boat."
A BOAT! *squee*
"Where we have pizza and soft drinks waiting for you."
"You'll also get to do some whale shark watching."
"The winner can choose two people to join them on
this reward."
"With the only rule being you can't pick Rodney."
So anyway, that's the challenge.
They're competing to do shit on a boat.
As usual, Bob pretty much dominates the challenge
He is a student of ring toss
"Bob Johnson wins reward!!"
So Bob wins. And like a great pyramid scheme, he quickly
recruits two friends to come with him.
I'll take Malcolm and Blair from The Facts of Life
Yay! This is even better than the three times I won Harvest
Queen!
And with that, the three reward winners are off.
No Bob, we can't go to Disneyland.
Okay, so here comes the fun part.
So they're on a boat...
...motherfucker, don't you ever forget
And this is where Bob being "a student of nutrition" finally comes back
as part of his storyline.
Because it turns out there are things like cookies
on the reward trip
And sodas
There are lots of sweets on the boat. And everyone loves them.
Oh my God, it's sooooo goooooood
And... um... apparently this is a problem for our old friend Bob.
Cookie? What is this thing called cookie?
See, you might not have heard this before. But apparently Bob Johnson
is a student of nutrition. He claims to know all there is to know about
human nutrition.
Bob is not only a PhD in nutrition, we also find out during this scene
that (presumably because of his nutrition mastery) he has not consumed
sugar in OVER THIRTY YEARS.
Which becomes kind of a problem when he starts to hit the drinks a
little hard.
I believe I'll try me one of them sodie pops
Mmm, these things is tasty
So Bob starts drinking.
And drinking.
And drinking.
And pretty soon he's...
Well...
Have you ever seen the TV show Arrested Development?
You know how terrible Buster gets when he drinks
juice?
JUUUUUUUUUUICE!
Let's just say Bob gets exactly like that.
He gets fucked up
Yes, Bob Johnson is such a huge student of nutrition, that the minute
he gets a couple of sodas into him, he gets punch drunk.
Bob, would you like another soda perhaps?
Bob, would you please stop playing with the pizza?
We even get this poignant little moment, where Bob drops a little
regional lingo from his home state of [redacted].
"I'm drinking pop."
"Haven't had pop in thirty years."
"I've been alive for twenty four years."
"Never once said the words I'm drinking pop."
So Bob's sitting there, and he's completely fucked up on soda pop.
To the extent that he starts feeding Blair a cookie off of
one of their snorkeling fins
Heh heh heh
He's having the most excellent sugar rush since Genghis Khan did when he had his first Twinkie.
Was also a student of nutrition
He even climbs up on a mast and he starts drunk-scouting for land.
Malcolm looks on in amazement
"I'm lookin' for shadows the size of my stomach."
Bob's having a blast being sugar drunk for the first time in
his life. He's like a kid grownup in a candy
grownup store.
And this is where we get this awesome
confessional from Malcolm.
"Bob Johnson doesn't eat sugar in real life."
"And he overate on sugar."
"And he acted like a drunk chick at a bar."
"He's laughin' and rollin' around in his seat."
"He's tryin' on clothes."
"All of a sudden, Bob Johnson's fun to be around."
"Who knew he had that side of him?"
So Bob hangs out on deck, and he's loopy for a while.
This party is off the hook!
At this point he's eaten more sugar than J.T.
He's so drunk he even makes a final three deal with the guy who would decimate everyone in a jury vote.
Hoo-ray!
He even explains what happened to him later in a confessional.
"I haven't had soda in thirty years."
"And I had three or four of them, I don't even remember."
"But, you know, they're GOOD!"
And then, juuuuuuust before they have to call in Dr. Phil
for the intervention, that's when part two of the reward trip happens.
Now they get to go swim with a whale shark
That's right. It's time for Malcolm and Blair to go into the water with
the world's biggest fish.
And also a drunk Bob Johnson
So the three of them gear up.
No matter what happens, don't goof around next to the shark
And they jump in.
Wow, that thing's as big as eight hundred Denises
And wild guess...
Guess which one of them goofs off too much and gets head-butted by a
whale shark?
FUCK YOU, BOB JOHNSON
That's right. Enjoy the first player in Survivor history to be
head-butted by a shark.
It's a drunk Bob Johnson
Hey guys, look at me!
Look at me, I'm Abi! I have two hundred fake idols!
Look at me, I'm Carter! Duhhhhhh.
... what the fuck?
It was later determined the shark was NOT in the attack zone
Hey shark, knock it off!
Now, unfortunately for us, we don't see the whole extent of the head
butting. We just hear Malcolm telling us about it after it happened.
"A whale shark head butted Bob Johnson."
"Funniest thing I've seen in my life."
"And my mind's become so calculating after a month and half
of this
game I'm thinking..."
"Oh great! One less competitor."
But the producers DO put a graphic on the screen
telling us they'll handle this.
As always, we can trust the Survivor producers when they tell
us they take care of this stuff.
So anyway, those were the adventures on a boat of a very drunk Bob
Johnson.
A student of showboating
"You guys didn't warn me there were fish in the ocean!"
*laughs in Shambo*
"You were down there showboatin'! What was I supposed to do?"
Afterwards, Bob goes back to camp.
And he gets attacked by the fire.
In Soviet Russia, fire falls into YOU
And he loses immunity.
Unfortunately, it's a sobriety test
But luckily for him, it's a happy day at the end because they all band
together and they vote out Abi.
Still room for growth
So Abi goes home. And The Student of Nutrition lives to fight another day.
Is not gonna remember this episode tomorrow
And that's reason number four why Bob Johnson is never invited to a little kid's birthday party.
P.S. I have to point out that the very last shot of this episode...
Is Bob dancing into the night because he's still hopped up on juice
Thank you to Aaron Flea Sperling for the Mark the Chicken FUBC picture!
