1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor

The Funny 115 - The Third One

#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long

We're back at camp now after Cochran has completely sabotaged the rest of the Savaiis.

Remember, dork... I know where you live

And as a result of this sabotage, we're about to be treated to the biggest ass-chewing since that day Coach ran into that tribe in the Amazon.

This one is NOT going to be pretty.

"You're a piece of shit coward."

"After all Keith and I did to look out for you."

"You are DEAD to me."

"You disgust me."

"Look man, I'm beginning to think you don't even know how to skateboard."

Even though none of this really applies to Coach and his storyline, I'm including it here because it is easily one of the most heated nights we have ever seen in twenty-three seasons of Survivor. The Savaiis go just absolutely medieval on poor Cochran.

"By my troth, I shall disclose that Cochran of Gingley is a hedge-born loiter-sack."

"For thou are a crooked-nosed knave."

"Beshrew thee!"

"What's his name? What was his birth name?
It wasn't Cochran, it was John."

God. Spede you. John.

"He goin' off of goofiness. Got them fee-
Oh John, you so goofiness. Come on now.
Everyday, he got a Harvard story.
I wasn't buyin' it. [scoff]"

"That wicked fopdoodle! FUCK!"

"John: "Let's say a joke." PFF.
Keep that joke. Boop! For me.
Cuz it wasn't funny."

Needless to say, it's not gonna be a good night for John Cochran.

"None of my hot country singer friends are ever going to hook up with you now."

"You just totally ruined that."

And again, none of this has anything directly to do with Coach.

The only thing Coach does through all of this is he's part of the Great Wall of Upolu.

The one that's standing there all in one line, protecting Cochran from getting beat up.

If you assault John Cochran, you're coming through me

You're coming through ALL of us

Yeah!

And Probst isn't here to massage my shoulders, motherfucker

Look in my eyes. Just look into my crazy eyes.

Ask yourself if you want that

And really, that's pretty much the end of the story of John Cochran. And it's pretty much the end of the story of Savaii, if you want to be perfectly honest. From here on out, the five of them (six of them if you still count Cochran) are going to be slowly and surely Pagonged. One right after the other.

They are basically going to all become as irrelevant as Rick

And thiiiiiiiiiiis is the point in the entry where I feel I need to insert a little editorial comment.

You know, there are a lot of people out there who love South Pacific. There are a lot of people out there (like me) who think it is one of the most underrated seasons ever. And that the story the episodes are telling is absolutely incredible.

And then, on the flip side, there are people who think that South Pacific is terrible. There are people who think this season is boring, it is weirdly religious, and it is uncomfortable to watch. And worst of all, it's predictable. Because the moment that Keith is voted out of Te Tuna, that means the entire rest of the season is now going to be a Pagonging*. And to a lot of fans, a Pagonging is pretty much the worst thing a Survivor season can turn into.

* Pagonging (English, circa 2000) - where people get Pagonged

Especially because this Pagonging doesn't even have Greg trying to get to first base with his own sister

To this day... still the most popular Buis kid at family reunions

Again, there are a lot of people who love South Pacific, and there are a lot of people who hate South Pacific. It is one of the most polarizing seasons of them all. You either love it or you hate it. And for most of those people, that division starts right here. It starts the moment that Keith is voted out, and South Pacific turns into a Pagonging.

"You're asking me, is this a Pagonging?"

"I mean, if Upolu votes out six or seven more Savaii members, I guess... then we'll know for sure."

"And then we'll be able to act accordingly."

Now obviously, you can probably guess my thoughts on this particular subject.

Is South Pacific a Pagonging? Well duh. Of course it is. It's as much a Pagonging as it was in Borneo the minute that Gretchen was voted out of the game.

Er, sorry. I mean Greckin.

And my thoughts on the matter are... yeah, I mean okay so it was a Pagonging. So what?

I mean, go back and look at the initial division between Upolu and Savaii. Look at how much the two tribes just absolutely HATED one another. And look at how much Ozzy didn't want to lose this season to Coach, and vice versa. And look at how how heated all the challenges got. And look at how many times it was mentioned in episode eight that NO ONE was going to switch sides once they got to the merge, no matter what. That everyone on both tribes was totally unified.

"I've never seen two tribes that seem so entirely cohesive, in their own separate ways."

"Wow. That's amazing."

"What are the odds that you'd have two tribes THIS unified?"

The point I am getting at here is... how on earth was this season NOT going to turn into a Pagonging? If Savaii had voted out an Upolu at the merge (which was entirely possible), it would have turned into the exact same scenario, only in the opposite direction. The boot order would have gone Coach, Albert, Sophie, Rick, Edna, and then Brandon would have ascended directly to heaven. With the asterisk being... yeah, it would have gone that way until Jim decided to get rid of Ozzy, because Ozzy was too dangerous. But for the first couple of votes at least, it would have been a straight-up Upoling.

And South Pacific would now be known as the origin story of Survivor legends Whitney and Keith

Which is where we come to the argument that I have always wanted to make here. Yes, South Pacific is a Pagonging. It is one of the most blatant Pagongings we have ever seen on the show. But that's not really a problem for me because Pagongings aren't inherently bad. All a Pagonging means is that the two tribes were SO unified at the merge, and SO stubborn, that no one was going to bend. Which is bad for the first few episodes right after the merge, sure. It means that the next few episodes after the merge are going to be predictable. But it also means something else. It also means that the payoff for the episodes after the Pagonging is now going to be SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Because what you have now (after the Pagonging ends) is a group of six that is SO close, and SO unified, that when they are forced to turn on each other at the end, it is going to be especially traumatic for them.

And I'm sorry, but watching a family turn on itself, and rip their own hearts out, is exactly what made Survivor so compelling in the first place.

"You know, Kelly, you're a *@#%&!, who can go *@#%& yourself directly in the *@#%&."

"Wow."

"And I seen that the moment we voted out Greckin."

In other words, a Pagonging doesn't mean that a season is bad. A Pagonging just means that the season now has the potential for greatness at the end. And I'd argue that the really great Survivor seasons (like both Borneo, and South Pacific) have all had some variant of one.

Is a Pagonging kind of predictable for a couple of episodes? Sure. But who cares about those episodes? Because what it also means is that the rest of episodes after that are going to be incredible. Which is exactly what we're going to see play out in this season. South Pacific as a story peaks right at the end. Just like a great story is supposed to.

Just like we originally saw... back in Borneo.

"You know, Coach, you're a *@#%&!, who can go *@#%& yourself directly in the *@#%&."

"Wow."

"And I seen that the moment Tagi voted out Greckin."

And this is where I finish with one of the most unpopular opinions you are ever going to hear in a Survivor writeup. But I feel really shouldn't be unpopular, because I have always felt it to be true.

You just can't have a great season unless there is some form of a Pagonging in it.

Not all Pagongings will turn out to be great. But every great season will have some form of a Pagonging. A Pagonging is the best indicator that a season might end not only emotionally, but also amazingly and epically. A Pagonging is generally a story that will peak at the end.

And this is why... as a fanbase... I think we really need to rethink this bias we have against Survivor Pagongings.

We also need to rethink Thailand... but that's a whole other writeup

And with that... let's break out of editorial mode... and let's get back to Coach Pagonging his way to his very first Survivor victory.

"If he tells just one more Chuckie The Cheese joke, I mean, then we'll know."

"Then we'll know this joke has been run into the ground."

"And then we can act accordingly."

Okay, sorry.

NOW we get back to the writeup.

So from here on out, Coach is basically just gonna Pagong his way to victory. And he knows it too.

And that's why we get his winner quote* at the start of episode nine.

* Survivor winner quote - a speech where the eventual winner reflects on what this journey means to them. And how much they have fought for it, and will continue to fight for it. Using featuring either a helicopter shot, inspirational music, or somebody perched up in a tree. Remember that definition, because we will get a couple of winner quotes from both Ozzy AND Coach during this season. Here is the first one.

At the start of episode nine, Coach takes a moment to reflect upon his Upolu successes

Now that the season has become a Pagonging, all the big guy has to do at this point in the game is shepherd his flock of six (seven?) little lambs to the end. And then give a good jury speech. Which he knows he can do, because Coach is arguably the single greatest Survivor speechwriter of all time. He has full confidence he can get up there in front of a jury, and knock everyone's socks off. He can give them the monologue that a show like Survivor has always deserved. And then he can finally... after three years of desperately yearning for it... collect that million dollar check.

At this point in the game, the path to victory is so clear to him that he can practically taste it.

And so here comes his big winner scene.

"We pulled off an amazing feat at Tribal Council last night."

"Our tribe of Upolu members stood six strong. Against all odds."

"And... ah... it's cause for celebration."

"It's cause for walking the beach."

"Saying a little prayer."

"Starting the day off right. Maybe do a little Tai Chi."

"I feel like if I can just be confident, and not arrogant..."

"I can be humble, but not weak..."

"I think I have a good shot of going all the way."

And, of course, we end with the power shot.

FOR I CAN ALMOST TASTE MY VICTORY!

FOR I HAVE THE POWER!!

The producers love this final shot so much that they actually just sit there and hold on it for a while.

And that's how you know it's a winner quote.

Coach is so close to winning now, that he is shaking with confidence

And to be honest, there's not really much of a storyline for the next two episodes. It's really just Coach and the Upolus finishing off the Savaiis. The editors are going to try to throw in a couple of red herrings along the way, because that's what they do. But for the most part, the producers know this is going to be the predictable part of the season. So they basically just fast forward through all of it with a pair of quick, forgettable double-boot episodes.

And that's what we're going to do here in my Coach writeup as well. We're just going to fast forward through most of it.

Hey, I never said that Pagonging seasons were perfect. I just said that they end strong.

At this point in the game, Coach asks Cochran which Savaii he'd like to get rid of next

And Cochran gives a long, rambling, awkward Woody Allen monologue, where he tries out his stand-up

Listen Poindexter, I'll give the long rambly speeches around here, okay?

Seriously, who should we target?

To which Cochran says...

"In terms of challenges, obviously Ozzy."

"But on a personal level... Jim."

See, it turns out that Jim is kind of a dick.

Oddly enough, he's the first dick poker player ever, in all of recorded history

And so this is the only real storyline in the first episode after the merge.

Is it going to be Ozzy first? Or is it going to be Jim?

I guess it comes down to which one of the two wins immunity today.

The Te Tunas head off to see if Ozzy can get a stay of execution for one day

Oh, and speaking of immunity challenges, guess which one this next one is going to be??

This is especially exciting if you know your Coach history.

Oh my god, look what challenge they're giving me right after my big winner quote!

That's right, everyone...

It's tossing things underhand at a target!

And hey! Guess who has done this before in his life??

He has

I mean come on, how can I... the writer of the Funny 115... not instantly love this season?

When they give Coach a chance to throw things underhand at targets again

YES!!!!!!!

But uh oh. Here comes trouble.

Because in a special cameo in episode nine...

Here comes the return of Coach's old nemesis again...

But why?

Why would Coach be excited about throwing things underhand again?

It's not like he was actually good at it the first time

No!

Not him! Anyone but him!

Go back to where I buried you in the Tocantins!

Brendan, you get the hell out of my entry!

And that's another thing. Why is this even an entry?

Why are we celebrating you?

I mean, it's not like you've ever actually won anything

I don't get it

Is it because you're... like... funny?

Get out of my writeup!

NOW!

You know I make more than you. Right?

Benjamin?

In fact, Chuckie the Cheese told me a good joke the other day

He said... do you know the difference between a pizza and a musician?

A pizza can actually feed a family of four

You shut your lying dragon mouth!

CHUCKIE T. CHEESE WOULD NOT SAY THAT!

And you know Erinn is still laughing at you

Tee hee. Tee hee.

In any case, yes. Coach gets to throw things underhand at a target again.

Which is a joy and a privilege for us all.

Oh, and I should also point out...

... that Brendan was right. He's not good at it.

*sigh*

But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if Coach is good at it.

Because he doesn't have to be good at it.

He just has to hope that Ozzy is not good at throwing things underhand as well.

And luckily for him, Ozzy is not

Crap

This part of the writeup really blows

And for the second time in the game, that's means it's pretty much the end of the line for poor Ozzy Lusth.

Because Jim just won immunity, thus sealing his fate

Damnit, Cochran! Look what you did to me!

This storyline SUCKS!

Although I should point out that... before Ozzy leaves... Coach DOES at least share one nice personal moment with the guy.

From one legend to another... I really love you, man

This next scene is actually pretty important to the storyline. Because there's going to be a big payoff for it later, during the finale.

For now, just file this little interaction away until later...

It's day twenty-two. The day we lose Ozzy.

And here comes the first real scene between the two stars of our season.

"Anything I can do to save myself, Coach?"

"Because I don't wanna go."

"All I can offer is, just, you know... who I am."

"Because you know I'm a warrior."

This whole scene is an especially sad moment for a once legendary Survivor figure like Ozzy Lusth.

Because his entire game has now basically come down to how hard he can grovel to Coach.

And that's it.

And that sucks

"If you want to tell me a Chuckie the Cheese joke, I promise I'll laugh."

I can't believe I just said that

And Coach, for his part, DOES have a lot of empathy for the guy...

"Ozzy is a warrior. And you know I like warriors."

"I don't want you to leave, man."

"I don't wanna leave, either."

Hmm, what to do? What to do?

But at the end of the day, Coach also has an alliance to think about right now.

And he's sorry, but Ozzy aint in it.

"I actually appreciate Ozzy's humility."

"If it's fate, if it's too late, or if it's just born out of desperation, that's okay."

"Some of the greatest inspiration is born of desperation."

"I believe Vasco da Gama once said that to Optimus Prime."

"But at this point... it's too little, too late."

And with that, Ozzy finally cedes the win in this game... to the Dragonslayer.

"I really love you, man," says Coach

"As Chuckie said when he went vegetarian... I have absolutely no beef with you in the slightest."

"It was a good ride," agrees Ozzy

And then we end on this fun little moment of poignancy.

"Oh your game's not over," predicts Coach

"You're coming back."

"I'm convinced of that."

And on that day, I shall battle you with sword

"Thanks," says Ozzy, wearily, "I'll try."

"Come on, man," reassures Coach. "You got this."

I'm directing you to come back... with my eyes

And with that, let Coach's march to victory officially begin.

"You've got the game all wrapped up now, big guy. Congratulations."

Because there goes Ozzy.

And with Ozzy, there goes the heart of Savaii.

See you later, noble warrior

*lick*

Goodbye, my fellow Slayer

Until our paths cross again

And with that...

*smuff*

And honestly, we can pretty much just zip through these next three boots as fast we can.

You're not really gonna miss much.

Hey guys, for the next immunity challenge, you can choose to either eat... or compete

Yay! We get to eat or compete!

So what's it gonna be, Coach?

Coach is conflicted about this

For he knows the path of the righteous man is not paved with muffins

But at the end of the day, the Upolus all want to feast.

So Coach decrees that they'll feast.

"The thing is, Jeff... we ARE a family."

"And we stick together."

"As always, we are unified in our stance."

"In fact, God Himself told me He baked us some cookies."

Oh great, this horseshit again

In any case, the Upolus all sit out and they feast.

Remember, guys! First bite is for Jesus!

Isn't this awesome?

"Coach, still wish you were participating in the challenge?"

Mmmppppf

"Yeah. That's what I thought."

Anyway, Whitney wins immunity.

This delights me

And then Jim is voted out.

You're a pokah playa, Jim. A pokah playa!

*lick*

*smuff*

Coach even makes the extra special effort to wave him goodbye.

Take care now, Jim. Buh bye.

And it should be noted that Jim has some very specific predictions about what's going to happen in this game, as he heads off to Exile.

"They kept talking about strength and honor. Are you fucking kidding me?"

"That is a cult unlike I've ever seen before."

"And the longer that Coach has them believing that they're all one tribe..."

"The more likely it is that he wins the million dollars."

"Coach is gonna win. And he's gonna bring Edna and Cochran to the end."

And with that, let the Pagonging continue!

This whole stretch of the season is basically just the Upolus goofing around at camp, as they pick off the Savaiis

Although we do get this fun little scene in episode nine, as they are hanging around camp.

Look at me! I'm the Dragon Slayer!

Gonna put on his coat. Gonna get me a kayak.

Gonna start quoting Martin Luther King

Gonna understand the plight of the black man

Coach, of course, is delighted any time he's ever the center of attention.

And so he instantly pops wood at the sight of a doppelganger version of himself walking around camp.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! That's amazing!"

"I love it! More Coach!!!"

Quote, quote, quote. Gonna go on a quest. Gonna get me a stick.

"Look at this guy!"

"Cochran, what is up, man?"

"We are seeing a new side of you, baby!"

To which Rick once again delivers his beloved catchphrase...

"Dragonnnnslaaaaaayer, baaaaaaby!"

"Yeahhhhhhhhhh!"

This doesn't have much to do with Coach's storyline.

I just thought it was a fun little scene.

Why do I suddenly love Cochran so much?!?

Is it just me? Or is that guy the sexiest creature I have ever laid eyes on?

Can you pull your hair back into a bun?

Maybe look more like The Karate Kid 3's Terry Silver?

Oh, and then Cochran adds Rick's hat to the ensemble, and he decides to turn himself into a full Texas cowboy.

Giddyup, y'all

Look at me buckaroos, I'm from Texas

I'm gonna go rope me some steers

Reckon I'll go get me some horse paste

It's good... but you really looked sexier when you were just in the jacket

Could you just look like me again?

Oh, you

Oh, me!

Hang on, hold that pose for a second. I'm almost done. Let me finish myself off.

*sigh*

Isn't this humiliating, folks?

I've got a Harvard Law degree... and I'm apparently now some sort of a cam girl for Coach

Gotta say, I've had better days in my life

There's other stuff going on during these episodes too, of course...

Like Albert putting together a sub-alliance, and trying to wrest all the power from Coach

But we're going to ignore that for now, and just come back to it again at the end of the chapter.

For now, let's just continue with the Pagonging.

So Jim has been voted out of the game

After the Jim vote, Coach comes back to camp and he rallies his troops.

Just to remind them that there are only two Savaiis left in the game.

And the only thing left Upolu needs to do at this point is just finish them off.

Also, he wants to openly shit on Jim for a while

Anyway, here is Coach trying to rally his troops, right after the big Jim vote.

"You guys are gonna roast me for this."

"But Jim. Is the most dangerous kind of person."

"Because to your face, and on the surface, he looks like the best friend of everybody."

"But when the chips are down..."

"He wouldn't do shit for you."

"And that's the worst kinda guy."

And this is where he ties it back to his famous old mantra of "strength, unity, and family."

"Now that he's gone, we're gonna grow as a family even moreso."

"You guys have to believe me on this."

"Trust me."

Now, on paper, this speech actually seems kind of stupid. Because why on earth would he be telling Whitney that the Upolus are getting stronger and stronger every day? And that the Upolus are only going to get stronger as a family now, right after the Jim vote?

I mean... isn't Whitney NOT part of the family?

Last time I checked, Whitney isn't one of the six

But the key to this speech is to realize that Coach isn't really talking to Whitney. It looks like he is, but he isn't.

Who he is REALLY talking to in this whole ~~shalingua~~ shakwaria is Albert.

The one who is trying to quietly put together an overthrow

He is subtly reminding his underling...

Don't fuck with me, Albert. I've got more votes than you.

Anyway, I just wanted to point that out.

At this point in the game, you'd think that Coach would be super passive, and he would just ride out the Pagonging. But he's actually NOT super passive and just riding out the Pagonging. He is actually expecting a blindside from Albert and Sophie to come any day now. Because he KNOWS that they're the two most aggressive players on Upolu, not to mention the smartest. If anyone is ever going to make a move on this tribe, it is going to be them. And it is going to be soon.

Coach might not be the best strategist who has ever played this game, but he definitely knows where the danger is.

The biggest threat in this game is now clearly from these two

Coach even goes on to explain this in a confessional in episode ten.

He explains how most of his attention these days isn't spent worrying about Dawn or Whitney, or the Savaiis. Most of his attention at THIS point is keeping an eye on his alliance. And making sure no one has the balls to make a move against "the family" of Upolu.

Most specifically... the two who he knows are the attack dogs, Albert and Sophie.

Woof woof, motherfuckers. You two come after me, and I'll neuter you.

Anyway, here's Coach explaining that there has been a strategy behind "the cult thing", and "the family thing", and "the circle prayer thing" all along.

There is a very functional reason why he has set up the Upolus this way.

It was NOT just a character quirk.

"Survivor 101, rule thirty-seven."

"Anybody that's on the bottom of an alliance better not feel like they're on the bottom of an alliance."

"Or they're gonna revolt, and try to scramble to find themselves a better place in the game."

"So I keep talking to people about unity."

"And respect."

Why?

Because he wants people to respect him?

"No, because people get scared in this game."

"Blindsides happen every day."

"In fact, more blindsides happen than alliances sticking together."

And this is why Coach has specifically set up Upolu so it feels like everyone here is a family member. And that everyone feels like they are a necessary and equal part of the prayer circle.

It's not so much that he wants them to be all warm and cuddly and lovey with one another. And it's not that I'm assuming he really gives a shit about the religion or any of the prayer stuff. It's really so he can trick them all into thinking that everyone here is on equal ground. That they all have a chance at the finals.

But mostly, it's a way he can keep Brandon from ever getting fidgety.
And from going out and doing something unpredictable.

Because remember, as I have pointed out at least one hundred fifty to two hundred times already in this writeup...

Brandon can be a bit of a wildcard

And so this is why Coach has set up the tribe the way that he has. As a family. As a religion. As a prayer circle.

Or, as the Savaiis describe it... it's really just more like a cult.

"Coach is runnin' the show like he's Jesus!"

"All of them think that they're gonna go to the end!"

"You know, obviously, seven can't go to the end"

"It's so frustrating!"

But again, this is all by design.

A lot of Survivor fans hate the way that Coach does it in South Pacific, because it involves religion. And the religion part of the season makes them feel icky. But I would argue it really only involves religion because that's the one way he knows he can control Brandon. If Brandon weren't there, I doubt there would be any prayer circles at all.

This is the one and only way you keep Brandon from being a wild card

Is Coach manipulating other people in South Pacific? Well, sure. But that's what they all do. Take away the religion part, and he's really just doing what Boston Rob did the season before in Redemption Island. Or Tom Westman did back in Palau. Or if you want to go waaaay back, it's the same thing Brian Heidik perfected way back in Thailand.

"We're a family, Jeff."

"Sometimes, you know. You can just feel it."

If you can convince your tribe that you're a family, you will all stick together.

No matter what.

"The thing is, Jeff... we ARE a family."

"And we stick together."

"We will always be unified in our stance."

"And that stance is... Savaii can go straight to hell."

That's right, motherfucker. We're a family.

Oh, and on Survivor, there's a bonus to being a family as well.

Being Italian myself, I happen to be familiar with this little mob tactic...

"Because if one person turns on the family, then the rest of us go after them."

"Right, Albert?"

Um, yes sir. Very well said sir.

I really like the way that you said that

I really like your threat process

And anyway, yeah. That's why the Savaiis refer to Upolu as a cult. And I have to add, they're not wrong.

Even if, you know, Coach is going to deny it publicly anytime the accusation comes up.

"You guys on Savaii have been around me. You guys see me."

"I don't dictate ANYTHING."

"I NEVER tell these guys what to do."

"We ALL make suggestions."

"It's EQUAL."

Yeah, sorry. I'm not buying it. You guys are a cult.

You disturb me

"You don't think we all make suggestions?"

"Edna, make a suggestion."

"Um... maybe we could anesthetize something?"

"See? Edna wants to..."

"... the fuck, Edna?"

"Anyway, we ALL make suggestions."

"We are NOT a cult."

Yeah, whatever

"And if you'll excuse me.."

"The seven of us are going to get naked now, and pay tribute to He Who Walks Behind the Coconut."

"I say good day."

And with that, let's finish off the Pagonging once and for all.

*smuff*

Now, the thing that's important in this final Pagonging episode (episode ten) isn't so much what happens with the boot order. I mean, we all know what happens with the boot order.

First, Sophie wins immunity

Then, Probst announces there will be a twist at Tribal Council tonight

Then, Dawn gets expelled by the cult...

"Their camp has been so serious about the issue of trust."

"Coach, he's got this loyal following. They're impossible to break!"

"Is Dawn one of us? Hell no, she's not one of us."

"And for that, she must pay."

Then, Dawn goes out kicking and screaming.

"The people at the bottom of the alliance seem content to all stay there."

"So you're saying the five, six, and seventh in the alliance need to team up."

"There is no fifth, sixth, or seventh, my friend. We are all the same."

"It feels like Coach is the leader. With the way they always report back to him."

You disgust me

I'll tell you this. Aint none of these cult mufuggas ever getting bread.

*smuff*

And then Whitney is eliminated via a surprise twist as well.

"We all know the Savaiis are just going home anyway, so let's speed things up."

"We're gonna vote again."

"And fuck it, whoever speaks the most Russian, you get immunity this time."

Hey look, Sophie wins

And with that...

This desmuffs me

So that's the boot order in episode ten. Which some would say is the important part. But I'd argue is mostly just the procedural part. That's just the stuff you have to write down so you can put together a Wikipedia page.

Now let's get to the actual important part of this episode.

At least.. in terms of Coach's storyline.

First off, we have to watch Ozzy kick Jim and Keith's ass in the Redemption Island duel

"Hey Upolu, watch this."

This Ozzy/Keith/Jim duel is an incredibly important scene in the overall storyline of South Pacific, and it's a shame that people tend to overlook that. Because what is happening here is that this is the one and only time that Ozzy is going up against a big, strong, alpha male challenge beast in one of the duels.

That's right. This is the challenge where he has to square off against the monster named Keith.

Coach (and Cult Upolu, of course) know that if they are EVER going to get Ozzy out of the game, THIS is the duel where it is probably going to happen, in episode ten. THIS is the challenge that will likely determine Ozzy's fate. Because this is the one and only time he will ever have to beat Keith.

And that's why if you watch this scene again, and you look closely at the Upolus...

You will notice they are all watching this particular duel very intently

And they all seem especially crushed when Ozzy still wins.

You thought you were scared of me before, Upolu? Just watch.

For I. Am a Survivor god.

"Ozzy! Wins the duel!"

"Ozzy! Stays alive in the game!"

Muhahahaha

And again, look at the faces of the Upolus after he wins.

They're crushed.

They really did think that Ozzy was going to lose in that duel.

And now that he didn't...?

That means that he's probably NEVER going to lose.

See what I did? Now I'm coming for all of you.

Assholes

And that is a bad thing.

"Think you can keep doing it, Ozzy?"

"I mean, you've seen my videos. You know I can go all night if I have to."

And this is where Ozzy starts in on his little speech about how nobody will ever be able to stop him, because he's now in the best position in the game. All he really has to do is keep winning duels, eat as much food as he wants, make friends with every single juror on their way out of the game, and never actually make any enemies.

On paper... because of the quirks of a season with Redemption Island... he might technically now be the single most dangerous player.

"Right now, I'm sitting in the best place that I could, Jeff."

"I don't need to rely on other peoples' trust anymore."

"I'm sitting there at Redemption, eating my heart out."

"Getting ready for the next person to come in."

"I'll be nice. I'll make you fish. Make you fruit."

"And then I'll come and I'll beat you. I might even literally do both."

"And I'll be sitting at the end of the game too."

"And then we'll see who backstabbed who."

"We'll see... who has taken the higher road. If you will."

"And that's your mission?"

"Yeah. My return. Basically."

And again, Coach might not be the best strategist who has ever played the game of Survivor. But even he can see that what Ozzy is saying isn't just braggadocio. Ozzy actually means that. Ozzy can actually DO that. And even worse, it would actually be a really solid winning strategy. Especially if he's up against a cult leader who is going to have to backstab half of his cult at some point.

In an Ozzy vs Coach finale, Coach is going to be crushed

And this is why I'd argue that Coach is going to change his entire strategy around this point in the game.

From here on out... the minute that Ozzy wins that duel against Jim and (more importantly) Keith... Coach starts switching around most of his plans for the endgame.

"Later, boners."

Because from here on out, it's not really a game anymore of who would be the easiest to beat in the end...

For Coach, it has now turned into a game of...

Just don't let Ozzy win

And that's where we stand at the end of the tenth episode.

"These guys are a cult! They're a *@#%&! cult!""

"I hate them so much!"

"May Ba'al bless us, every one."

"The Upolu tribe is a bunch of *@#%&!s, who can go *@#%& themselves right in the *@#%&."

"We seen it the moment they sacrificed Greckin!"

P.S. Oh yeah, remember how I said we would end this chapter with Albert trying to take over Upolu?

"I am a baseball. And I think that I should be running this tribe."

Well, first off, even though that was built up pretty heavily in episodes nine and ten...

"I don't know what it is, man. I'm just worried."

"There's something in the air. I can just feel it."

"Albert's been really, really squirrely the last couple of days."

"He's still a baseball. But I don't know if he's still dating me."

"I really can't tell. He's wily."

And even though it was presented as this really significant subplot...

"Coach is really concerned about Albert's mind in the game right now."

"There's a sort of a power struggle going on between the two of them."

And even though we saw lots of instances of Albert trying to pull something...

"I know you're a baseball. And that's why I've drawn up a little proposal for you."

"Think of this middle box here as the pitcher's mound."

"You talk about me dating Coach. But Edna is the one who is really dating him."

"She's up his butt harder than a strap-on."

"Hey man, why don't you dress up as me and walk around ever?"

"I mean, I'm hilarious too. Aren't I?"

Even though we see ALL of that in episodes nine and ten... at the end of the day I don't think it was really even all that significant to the storyline.

Because there was no way Albert was ever gonna take down Coach without the assistance of...

Brandon

Or Edna

Or Cochran

Or Sophie

Or Rick

With Brandon and Edna... right there... you could already tell those two were going to be a no-go. Those two weren't going to turn on Coach for anything.

'Cause we're a family, motherfucker

And then there was Cochran.

Who even flat out admits to us in episode ten that...

"As painful as it is to admit it, I am drinking the Coach Kool Aid."

"Mainly because if I'm not on the cult leader's side, I'm gonna meet my untimely death."

"So basically, I gotta obey the father of the family."

So that just leaves Sophie and Rick.

They were literally the only two options Albert was ever going to have to do any sort of an overthrow.

And unfortunately...

Sophie essentially tells us... very early on in the plan...

"That would be stupid. Why would I do that?"

"That wouldn't even benefit me."

And Rick... uh...

Um...

Hell, I have no idea what Rick ever thinks about anything. Ever. At any point in the season. The editors don't even try to make an effort with him.

In fact, I bet... somewhere... sometime... Purple Kelly watched South Pacific for the first time, and she was like well thank god, at least I got a couple minutes of airtime. At least I wasn't THAT guy.

You get to milk your own milk, baby! Yeahhhhhhh!

Rick's edit. R.I.P. 2011.

I have no idea what Rick was thinking, EVER, so the only logic we can really go with here is to flash back to what happened back in episode six.

When Albert wanted to vote out Edna

And Coach said go fuck yourself, baseball. We're voting for Mikayla.

And Rick wound up siding with Coach

And that's literally the only insight I have into Rick's Survivor game.

Although I should point out that in a couple of episodes...

He's gonna say that he thinks Albert's a douche

In any case, this is a just a long and rambly way of me saying that yeah, "Albert is trying to take down Coach" wound up getting a lot of airtime in the episodes. But I don't think it was ever actually all that likely a scenario. Albert never had the votes to take down Coach, and he never would. Especially when Sophie has already made up her mind that she thinks Coach is going to fuck up his game at the end. And that she will probably be able to...

Whoops. Never mind. Got a little ahead of myself there.

For now, let's just say that Albert never really had a chance to take out Coach, despite all of his efforts.

You know, I'm doing my best. But this sucks.

For now, the only big variable that's important to the story is that Ozzy is probably going to return to the game pretty soon.

And there is a very real chance he is going to win.