The Funny 115 - The Third One




#1. Coach Finally Masters Survivor
South Pacific - All Season Long



Note: Before I get to the famous Brandon episode, there's an elephant in the room here that I feel we need to discuss. And that elephant in the room is the fact that the version of Brandon we saw in the episodes, and the version of Brandon that came out after the season, in all of the interviews, were not even remotely the same. In fact, to this day, I'm not sure I can think of another Survivor player where the two versions of them (the TV version, and then the "actual" version) wound up being so entirely different from one another.

Brandon in the episodes (left): Crazy person; scary; an absolute lunatic
Brandon in the interviews (right): Everyone's little buddy; the heart of Upolu; a huge threat to win



I'm not going to spend a lot of time delving into this, I just wanted to point out that when South Pacific ended, and all the interviews came out with the players, the thing that stood out in almost every one of those interviews, over and over and over, was the idea that "What the viewers saw of Brandon was only the bad side." And "For the other ninety-five percent of the time, he was actually the sweetest kid ever." In fact, I believe Sophie (of all people) even said that if he had gotten to the end, Brandon was so well respected for his loyalty and his honesty, that he probably would have cleaned up in a jury vote. The consensus among the players seemed to be that Brandon would have beaten just about anyone.

Which technically makes him the most successful Hantz on Survivor



Anyway, like I said, I'm not going to delve too far into this. If you want, you can google them and read the interviews for yourself. I can assure you they're all still out there. And I can assure you that they all say pretty much exactly what I just said. That Brandon was a huge threat to win, and if he had gotten to the end, any other member of Upolu would have had a hard time beating him.

This is NOT the story that we saw in the episodes, of course. It's not even the version of Brandon that we saw. But then again, when have we actually ever been shown reality on Survivor? It's entirely possible that if Brandon gets to the end, and he wins, then he gets an ENTIRELY different storyline. Because if there's one thing you have to keep in mind when you are watching Survivor (this is especially important to be aware of if you are new to reality TV), it's that your ending dictates how your story is going to go. If a player wins, or if they are chosen to be narrator, that means that they're now a star. And if they don't win, and they're not chosen to be narrator, that means that they have basically now turned into a supporting character.

Basically... as we saw in the movie Sky High... in the world of reality TV, you are either a hero or a sidekick.

How Survivor works



Naturally, because the story is told through his eyes 150-200% of the time... Coach is a hero.

 

HERO!



And naturally, because the entire second half of the game revolves around how amazing he is, and how no one earth can possibly beat him in a challenge, Ozzy is ALSO a hero.

HERO!



And of course, because he has no relevance to either of these two major storylines, you know what that makes Rick.

SIDEKICK!



And of course, because Brandon doesn't win, and Brandon doesn't really factor into either the Coach ending, the Sophie ending, or the Ozzy ending, you know what that necessitates he turn into in the final edit as well.

A SIDEKICK!



Although okay, sure, if you want to get technical, he DOES kind of factor into both the Coach ending and the Sophie ending. After all, it's his blindside that I'm guessing sways a couple of the Coach votes eventually towards Sophie. But again, Brandon doesn't really have all that much to do with all that. It's what HAPPENS to Brandon that is far more significant. Because what HAPPENS to Brandon impacts Sophie and Coach, who are both far more important "heroes."

And that's why, for as much airtime as Brandon gets in the episodes, at the end of day, for purposes of the storyline, he is still just a lowly hero-supporting....

SIDEKICK!



Anyway, keep that in mind as we watch what happens to Brandon in the following episode. To us watching at home, it's a classic case of a guy doing something dumb, and then paying the price. Very similar to how Erik's story was portrayed on TV back in Micronesia.

"I'm giving my immunity to Natalie."

ERIK, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Ha ha! The girls got him! He's so stupid!



On paper, it seems like Brandon's story is the exactly the same as Erik's. A guy wins immunity late in the game, but then gives it up to his friend when they get to Tribal Council. And then everyone else just turns around votes him out of the game.

On paper (and of course, superficially), they are the exact same basic storyline.

Oh my god Brandon, you idiot



However... and this is the big takeaway here... if you watch the two episodes back to back, you will see they're not the same story at all. Because when it happens to Brandon, the reaction from the jury is much different. When Brandon does the exact same thing that Erik does, the jury isn't laughing AT ALL.

The reaction when it happens to Brandon is more along the lines of...

I can't believe they did that

To a sweet little puppy dog like Brandon

Coach and Albert, you assholes...




... you disgust us



Anyway, that's the end of my little disclaimer. I just wanted you to keep that in mind as you are reading this chapter.

Keep in mind that the version you have of Brandon in your head (and admittedly, the version I have of Brandon here in my writeup) is probably not the way Brandon would have been seen in the game. In the game, he would have been seen as "the hero." And what happens to "the hero" at the end of this episode would have gone a really, really, REALLY long way towards how Albert and Coach would have been viewed at the end, when it came to the jury.




Coach and Albert, as they are facing the jury

Realizing that now it's time to atone for what they did to the good guy



Basically, if you want to get blunt, I'm not sure that Coach or Albert EVER could have won after what they both did to Brandon. Either one of them. We can debate that more when we get to the end, if you want, but I am entirely sure of that.

The minute Coach and Albert teamed up to humiliate "the hero", their chances to win "a game based on integrity" were quite small.

And that was sure good for someone like Sophie!



And never forget that if Brandon had wound up winning South Pacific (which was entirely plausible, based on the interviews)...

... well, then his story's much different.

"I can't believe I won the title of Sole Survivor. This is so surreal right now."

"I feel like Natalie White. I just want to hug the whole world."

"Why? Because you've finally broken the family Survivor curse?"

"No, because now I can sell the title to Russell for a million billion dollars."

"This is amazing, bro. I think I'm gonna be rich."



And with that, let's get on with the episode...

The main story of episode fourteen is that, after thirty-three days, THE FAMILY is finally forced to turn on each other



And as you can guess, these final two episodes are going to get very ugly.

"Albert thinks he has this great strategic mind."

"And I don't think he's come up with one good plan yet."




"He's an idiot."




"I'm worried that Brandon's going to kick over the kettle at the most inopportune time."

"He's a mess!"



This mess at the end, as I pointed out a couple of chapters ago, is what just tends to happen in a season with a Pagonging. The longer a tribe sticks together, the closer they tend to all get with one another. And the closer they all get with one another, the more painful it is when they're finally forced to turn on each other. That's just what tends to happen when a tribe sticks together all the way to the end, and thus the story has a strong central narrative.

And this is why I will always argue that, from a storytelling point of view, if nothing else... Pagongings can be good.

A Pagonging makes the ending all that more epic.

"Sophie has become the most dangerous one here. She has to be stopped!"

"Albert, I will punch you in the mouth! You are lying to EVERYONE!"

Why is everyone suddenly being quiet around me?

"Look Albert, I'm not taking out Sophie, so SHUT UP."

"Albert's little a little piece of turd in the toilet."

"Desperately trying to float to the top."

"Hey Coach, you'd never vote for me, would you?"

Of course not, little buddy

"HEY ALBERT! FUCK OFF!"



Episode fourteen (aka, "The Death of a Cult") begins with THE FAMILY returning to camp after they have all just voted out Edna.




And the first thing they do is... appropriately... they get together and they celebrate.




Coach even gives us a speech about how amazing it is that that little group that first night on the beach somehow made it all the way to end. And along the way, they never really even came close to actually turning on each other. Despite what the edit would have told you.

This is a rare feat to pull off in the days of modern Survivor, and I think fans tend to forget this.

Most alliances aren't able to stick together all the way to the end anymore, but THE FAMILY actually did it.

"Final five, it's a beautiful feeling."

"Just walking back into camp, you could feel as if that cloud has just lifted off of us."





"We proved we can go at it with honor, loyalty, and integrity."

This is awesome, you guys. We did it!



And then Brandon calls them all over for one last little prayer group.





"Dear God, please remove the darkness from Edna's heart."

"And please make her a good person like us. Amen."

"Amen!"



And this is literally the last time in the game the five of them will ever be tight as a group.

"You guys, I love you. Every one of you."



Coach, of course, is aware of the significance of this last little prayer moment. He knows that this is the end. He knows this last little prayer circle officially marks the end of THE FAMILY.

And that's why he's so much less animated than usual when he gives us this sad little confessional.

You know what, this actually sucks



Unlike the other four members of Upolu, I don't think Coach is actually celebrating at any point during the festivities. In fact, it would be my guess that the main emotion he is feeling here is that he is actually depressed.

And just WHY would he be depressed?

Well part of it, I'm guessing, is because he feels bad about Edna. I'm guessing that's part of it.

He feels bad that he just voted out his close friend.




She was one of the only people to ever accept his hug on the way out

And I'm sure he felt bad about that



But the other reason why Coach is sad (the bigger reason, I'm guessing) is because I bet he hasn't been looking forward to the next part of the game (where the family has to turn on each other) at ALL. In fact, I don't think Coach has really been that interested in the backstabbing individual part of Survivor, EVER.

I'd bet his REAL love for Survivor has always been in the team part.

You know... as if he were actually a soccer coach



And again, that's why this confessional from him isn't like most of his earlier confessionals.

We don't see him very often, but this is what sad Coach looks like.

"We knew this day would come."

"More stuff is gonna hit the fan."

"Because, you know, we know that there's no more loyalty."

"We know that it's every cat for himself."

"The alliances that people have built up to this point..."

"... the alliances within the alliances... so called..."

"Now they are going to be revealed."

"The real game begins... tonight."



And he's not wrong about that. Because not more than five minutes later...

The two most aggressive players in the game, Sophie and Albert, have already begun whispering

And plotting



And these are the two that Coach has to be particularly worried about right now.

The baseball

And the (base)ballbreaker



And I can't resist throwing this picture into the writeup as well, which is something a reader named Ken Bollinger created for me specifically for this entry.

Here is the OTHER dilemma Coach knows he is dealing with now, this point in the game.

Aside from only being worried about Albert and Sophie.

How, exactly, is he going to deal with the unpredictable Brandon variable?



And with that, let's move on the morning of day 33.

The fateful day, when it all goes to hell



Coach, of course, is a little more down today than he usually is.

Probably for the reasons I outlined above.

This sucks. I doubt I could bench even half as much as Brendan today.



And unfortunately for him, this is the episode where a much more animated Sophie is going to start to dominate the narrative that had previously only been his.

For the purposes of the story, this is where "Sofierce" (as she is known on the message boards) is going to start to take over.

"Hey Coach, how you feeling? You seem ennui."

"Yes, I am actually incredibly ennui."

"I'm feeling alright. My head was just spinning all last night."

"Boy, that sucks."

"I wrote a little poem about my dilemma. Want to hear it?"

"Nope."

"Anyway, hope you have a good day!"




And I'm really not kidding. People always complain that Sophie gets shafted in the edit when it comes to South Pacific. But if you pay attention to the last two episodes of the season, she actually doesn't. From here on out, from here through the rest of the game, the storyline is almost ENTIRELY hers. You just won't notice it until I point it out later, in my final Sophie chapters.

Eat shit Coach, you know I'm coming for you now



If you go and you count confessionals (which I know a lot of Survivor fans tend to fixate on) sure, Sophie doesn't get as much airtime as Ozzy or Coach. But I defy you to watch the final two episodes of South Pacific again, and tell me it isn't mostly just setting her up for the win. In fact, this episode (the Brandon one) is really THE episode where they begin to start telegraphing it. It doesn't only happen in the finale, it happens in this episode as well. And that's great for the legacy of Sophie, because this happens to be one of the single greatest Survivor episodes of all time.

And anyway, this is why I will never agree with the argument that Sophie gets an unfair edit in South Pacific. Or that she somehow got "purpled"*.

* Someone who is edited out of the story because the editors didn't find them very relevant**
** Or, alternately, if the producers just hate you, and they want to make a joke out of you, like Purple Kelly

Purple Kelly. Never forget.



Sophie never got purpled in South Pacific. Rick got purpled. Rick got horrendously purpled.

Sophie's story just isn't as elaborate as Coach's. Or as Ozzy's. Or even as Cochran's, for that matter. Sophie's story is basically, "I was a good soldier, and a valuable part of the cult for thirty-three days, just like everyone else. And then when it turned individual, it turned out I was simply better than them. When the game turned individual, that's when I activated kill mode."

And you know, for purposes of the story, that doesn't make her a sidekick, that makes her a...

HERO!



The problem Sophie faces in the edit isn't the fact that she got "purpled." The problem she faces in the edit was that South Pacific just had too many other HEROES as well. And two of those heroes (Coach and Ozzy) just so happened to be two of the world's biggest camera whores.




"Want to hear me compare the plot of this season to Ovid's Metamorphoses?"




"Okay hunker down. This interview is probably gonna last for a while."




"First off, we have Albert. He's Dolos. He is the spirit of trickery..."



And we haven't even STARTED to talk about what an impressive camera whore Ozzy is.




"Hey guys, come follow me up here. I want to do another confessional where I stare at the sunset."




"Those bastards. Those bastards THOUGHT they could beat me."




"BUT I'LL SHOW THEM!"



In any case, Sophie doesn't get purpled. And I'd go even further than that, and say she doesn't get disrespected by the edit either. Sophie just doesn't happen to be a huge camera whore like Coach is. Or like Ozzy is. Or like Brandon tends to be. Or like Cochran tends to be. Or heck, like Albert tends to even be at times. Sophie's far more succinct in most of her confessionals, because that's just how she talks.




"You know what makes me want to take my own life out here?"




"Adam Sandler movies."



And on top of that, her storyline isn't nearly as intricate as most of theirs are. So there's not really any REASON to give her all this extraneous airtime. Her storyline is basically... as unexciting as this sounds....




"I didn't do anything stupid. And I was good at most everything."




"And when I needed to kick into a higher gear at the end, I did."




"And the rest of them can kiss my ass, because I was the best player out here."



Anyway, enough about Sophie. We'll have much more to say about her when we get to her chapters.

For now, let's get back to the sad (but unfortunately necessary) fall of Upolu.

Naturally, it's going to start with the guy who has always been the most aggressive player on the tribe, Albert



Albert's going to fire the first shot, of course, by trying to turn the group against Sophie.

Who he has clearly pegged as being the most dangerous one here.

"All along, I've planned to go to the end with Coach and Sophie."

"But Sophie is getting increasingly dangerous."

"She's a very well spoken girl, and very intelligent."

"She's starting to build a little bit of a resume*."



*Author's note: Damn you, Coach-dating Baseball. Were you the one who introduced that word to Survivor? I never realized that until right now. It's entirely possible that Albert is literally the godfather of what Survivor turned into in seasons thirty through eighty. When everyone spent every waking minute of the season talking about goddamn resumes.

"Resume! Resume! Resume!"

"What do you mean resume? I think it's pronounced rezumay."

"Rezumaaaaaaaaaay!"



Anyway, back to the breakup of Upolu...

"Sophie's got two immunity wins under her belt, and that's dangerous."

"Quite frankly, I don't know if I want to sit next to her at the end."



So Albert goes around camp and starts his crusade to get rid of Sophie.

"I don't think Sophie has ever even BEEN to a rodeo, Rick. I think she's a fraud."

"She's not a rootin'-tootin' country boy like you and I are."



Although this crusade to get rid of Sophie does bring up an interesting question. And it's one I think more people need to think about when it comes to this season.

That question is... why isn't Coach ever a target?

Seriously, when people talk about the players who they don't want to be there at the end, the two they almost always bring up in their confessionals are Sophie and Brandon. Sophie and Brandon are the two you don't want to face at the end. Oh and Ozzy, of course. They all know it is suicide if you go up against Ozzy. And then later, at some point in the season, someone will mention they don't want to go up against Rick.

And when you hear these names always being thrown around as the big threats... it sort of makes you wonder a little bit...

... and I know Coach is going to hate this...

Was anyone even slightly threatened by Coach?



This is probably a question I should save for my Sophie chapters. Because those are the chapters where Coach is going to take... ah... a little more of a beating. But I do feel it is important to bring it up here, earlier, as well. Because seriously, how come Coach is NEVER mentioned as a possible threat. Never, ever. Nobody EVER mentions him.

"You know who scares me in a jury vote? Ozzy. Sophie. And Brandon."

"And then Rick. Rick could be scary."

"Also... it's possible Edna could go psycho and anesthetize us all. We don't know."

"I also think Jim could make some very good arguments."

"Also, Whitney is hot. That could play very well."



Seriously... WHY ISN'T ANYONE EVEN REMOTELY FRIGHTENED BY COACH?

"Well I do have a hidden immunity idol."



Okay fine. I'll give you that. Coach has a hidden immunity idol.

But did you ever notice there's not a single conversation where people start talking about trying to flush out his idol?

Seriously, go back and watch South Pacific again. Nobody EVER mentions it!

"Boston Rob could come back in the game. He would be a scary final tribal opponent."

"And Naonka. Man, that girl is crazy."

"But maybe she's crazy like a fox."

"And Morgan from Guatemala. She's probably next on the list of who I'd be scared of."

"And then next comes B.B. Andersen."

"After that comes the piece of claw that was embedded in Fabio's foot. It could probably win in a sympathy vote."



Okay thanks, Albert. Anyway....

All I'm saying is that we never hear anyone say that they're worried about Coach. Never, ever. Nobody (at least no one in the final five) seems to be even remotely frightened of him as a final three jury opponent.

And for me, a guy who sits here, and who tries to parse out the storyline, the reason WHY it's never mentioned in the episodes seems perfectly obvious.

Either Coach is NOT especially threatening to anyone, and the Upolus all know that



Or Coach is INCREDIBLY threatening, and the editors are trying to hide that from you.

Because they don't want the story to turn into "Coach had an easy win in his hand, but then he fucked it all up at the end."

"This was YOUR game, Coach! You controlled everything! How could you BLOW it!"

"I understand. Clearly, I could have played things more optimally."

"You told us you were a jury threat! We believed you!"

"Hey I never ever said that. I declared it."



If you want my personal opinion on the whole thing, I'm guessing that the first of those scenarios was probably the truth. I'm guessing that Coach was never a big scary jury threat to anyone on his tribe. And I'm guessing the other players on Upolu just sort of humored him, and played to his ego, because they all thought they'd be able to beat him at the end. They knew he was going to take a beating in that final jury. And they knew he wasn't going to be able to do anything about it, because he'd get all wrapped up in all the loyalty and honor and integrity nonsense. And THAT'S why they all wanted him as part of their final three. That was probably why he was never a target.

And unfortunately, there's very little evidence in the episodes that backs up my theory, other than it's just my gut feeling about the whole thing. And it's something I've parsed out of the postgame player interviews a little.

Although Albert does sort of... at one point, in a roundabout way... actually hint at this...

"Whether it's perception or reality, Coach has always been seen as the cult leader."

"And the cult leader is the one who's going to take all the arrows at the end."

"Not me."



And again, this is why I think Coach never actually threatened anyone else in his alliance as a possible Survivor winner.

They all wanted him to take all the arrows for them.

They all NEEDED him to be in that final three with them.

"... and then after the lowly piece of claw in Fabio's foot, we have Drew Christy."

"That guy hasn't even played yet, but I bet he's an incredible manipulator."

"I think he also might be dangerous in a jury vote."

"And then after that, we have Mike Skupin."




"That guy seems shady. But I bet he is also super ethical."




"After that, the next person I'd be worried about is Brian Heidik's wife, C.C...."




"I'm not sure she's a great strategist, but I really respect the way she dances."




"She's a great dancer."



Okay thanks, Albert.

So let's head over to the duel now, and let's see what Ozzy is up to.

Oh look, Ozzy is winning again

"Ozzy wins the duel! And stays alive!"

"For the ninety-third straight time!"





Yes!



Just because we're never supposed to forget that...

For the purposes of South Pacific...

Ozzy is, and forever will be...

HERO!



Anyway, Ozzy's still here.

And Ozzy's a variable they're gonna have to deal with pretty soon.

Damnit!

Cacafuego!

"Peace out Upolu. See you guys real soon."

We're really just side characters in an "Ozzy wins" storyline, aren't we?

At this point, you can just feel it



And now we head back to camp, to let the implosion continue...




Albert is still on his crusade to gather votes against the most dangerous one



And for the purposes of Albert's plan, the key variable in all of this is Brandon.




Who we learn is much closer to Albert than we have previously seen



Brandon is going to be the all-important swing vote in this episode, for a couple of reasons.

The main one being... I mean, it's pretty obvious... because Albert and Rick want to get rid of Sophie, and because Coach and Sophie most definitely do NOT want to get rid of Sophie.




Mainly because Coach knows that Sophie is easily the smartest one here




And at this point, with Ozzy probably coming back, he considers her way too valuable to lose




It's possible, and I know this is debatable, that she is also the most athletic* and the most competitive* one here



* Much more on this later, in the Sophie chapters. Because I don't think most fans realize what a jock Sophie actually was. Basically, when you think of Sophie, don't think of her as Aubry, instead, think of her as Stephenie LaGrossa. That's the comparison that makes the most sense. To Coach, Sophie isn't just a brain, she is his Stephenie. She is his super secret weapon who he thinks can take Ozzy down.

And that's why Coach is never, EVER going to budge over voting out Sophie




If there's ANY chance that Ozzy comes back in the game, then she needs to be here



So that pretty much leaves Brandon, in the middle, as the only real variable right now.

He is the swing vote.

He will literally decide how this season plays out next



And that's why Albert works on Brandon SO HARD throughout most of this episode. It's because Brandon will, and forever will be, the guy in the middle.

Either Albert wins Brandon's loyalty tonight, or Coach does.

Either Albert or Coach takes control of the game.

It's that simple.

"The problem with playing with "honor, loyalty, integrity" is that I don't care about any of those."

"Brandon knows I am never going to write his name down."

"And he knows he's guaranteed the final three because Coach won't either."



Very important sentence there, by the way. Don't forget that.

Here, I'll even simplify it for you a little bit more.

"Neither Coach nor I will ever vote for Brandon. He trusts the two of us implicitly."



And again, this is why the plan today is for everyone to win over Brandon.

"Ozzy is the only thing that can stop us now, man. We've got it."

"Sophie goes first. Then it's all over."

Yes. Yes. Sophie does look rather hot lately. Perhaps it is best we destroy her.



And I should point out that Albert is actually using the exact same argument that Coach is going to use. That we need Sophie around because she's the only one who can beat Ozzy. It's just that... Albert frames it around a Redemption Island duel as opposed to taking down Ozzy once he's back in the game. They are using the exact same argument to Brandon, they're just approaching it from different directions.

"Sophie is good in challenges. She could actually beat Ozzy on Redemption."

"We need to keep both of them from making the finals."



And, of course, Brandon agrees with this. Because it is actually pretty sound logic. You really don't want both Sophie and Ozzy in the finals.

"You're right, bro. The only thing that can spoil it right now... is us."

"This is fate, man. We're in God's hands."



And thus the transformation from "Coach as Brandon's most trusted best friend" to "Albert as Brandon's most trusted best friend" officially starts to begin.

Which, I'll be the first to admit, would have been more powerful a storytelling device if we had actually seen how close Brandon and Albert were earlier in the season. They, uh, don't really ever show that in any of the earlier episodes. But what can I say, it's a 40-minute show. And half of the earlier episodes had to be dedicated to the stories of Cochran and Ozzy. I can GUARANTEE you that a director's cut of South Pacific would have had lots of earlier Albert and Brandon moments. Because you know they were there. You can tell they are close just by watching this episode.

It's gonna be me, you, and Coach in the final three




Just me and my two best friends

For this is God's will

"Also, want to hear the latest joke I heard about Chuckie?"

"Hold up, bro, I thought Coach only got to tell Chuckie jokes."

"Well God told me I could tell this one. He said it was okay."

"You'll like this one. It's about cheese."



And again, this is where Albert had far more power in this game than I think most people realize. And it's why I mentioned a couple of chapters ago that I think the South Pacific final three is maybe the strongest final three of all time. Because you have to remember, Coach wasn't the only one who Brandon looked up to. 




Albert had influence over him too

And this is where Brandon officially throws his hat in with Team Albert

And as a bonus, it's also where he learns that gouda is so much cheddar than swiss



And of course, as Albert is trying to swing the vote around against Sophie...

Now let's cut over to Coach and Sophie.

And let's see who Sophie is arguing that they need to vote out instead...




And here's the thing I love about this scene. Sophie is going to use the EXACT SAME ARGUMENT against Brandon, that we just saw Albert use against Sophie. It's literally the exact same logic. "Player X is way too big a threat to win a jury vote*, so we have to get rid of them. Plus, they're really good in challenges, so they can knock Ozzy out of Redemption. Look at that, (fill in name of listening party), it's amazing! We can kill two birds with one stone!"

* this argument makes way more sense when you go back and you read my disclaimer at the start of this chapter. And you realize that Brandon was indeed considered a huge jury threat.

In any case, here's Sophie using the exact same logic against Brandon that Albert just used against Sophie.

Sophie and Albert always did have a parallel thought process.

"The way I see it, Ozzy is the most dangerous one here. Not any of us."

























I hate that Ozzy has a pleasure dome, and I don't



And then here comes the pitch...

"We HAVE to put the two most dangerous players in the game together."

"Brandon and Ozzy."

"We have to get one of them out."

Hmmm. She makes sense. Sophie ALWAYS makes sense.

What to do? What to do?



I do have to add another little disclaimer at this point, because I think this one is especially fun. And again, this ties into Sophie and Albert always having such a parallel thought process. They really were very similar players for most of the game.

It's entirely possible (in fact I would say probable) that Albert and Sophie are both 100% full of bullshit here, and they don't believe any of this nonsense for a second. Because I'd bet that Albert considered himself the most dangerous player in the game at this point, not Sophie. And I'd bet that Sophie considered herself the most dangerous game at this point, not Brandon. And all they are doing is they're both playing the old Sandra game of "As long as it aint me."

We gotta vote for Sophie. She's just waaaay too dangerous.

We gotta vote for Brandon. He's just waaaay too dangerous.



Meanwhile, they're probably thinking the exact same thing as they say this...




Although Sophie does at least back up my intro, where I said that Brandon was actually very well respected in the game.

And that he probably would have done very well in a jury vote.

"I think Coach and I are really on the same page."

"We both recognize that Brandon has done things in the past."

"But I think you've seen a change in Brandon since the merge. Superficially, at least."

"He's THE most loyal. THE most trustworthy. THE most Godly man out here."

"And that's not somebody I'D want to go to the final three with."



And pretty much the entire rest of the episode is one side trying to swing the vote against Brandon, and the other side trying to swing the vote against Sophie.

And it goes very poorly, of course, because Upolu isn't used to this. They're used to always being so damn close with one another.

This is the first time they've had to "play Survivor" against each other all game.

Coach tries to turn Rick against Brandon

Albert tries to turn Coach against Sophie




And this is where we finally get the showdown that has been hinted at, and hinted at, and hinted at, in the episodes for weeks...

The eventual showdown between Albert and Coach

Which is basically a dick-measuring contest

To see which one of them is TRULY the guy who is calling the shots on Upolu



I know it's common Survivor mythology to say that Coach was running the show at Upolu, and that everyone else was simply a cult member who was following his orders. But I don't think that was ever the reality. In fact, if we go back to what Stacey said about the Upolu alliance... waaaaaay back in episode five....

... well she pretty much lays it right out there for you.

"Those are liars. Red team, look out for those, right there."

Those

Got it. Those.

"It wasn't a team."

"It is Benjamin, Albert, and Sophie."

"But who's it endin' to? Benjamin. And Albert."



The perception among the Upolus wasn't that Coach was just steamrolling everyone, and that Coach was the leader. The perception among the outsiders was that the ones calling the shots were both Coach AND Albert. That's who all the strategy was endin' to.

And that's why the two of them having their showdown here is a really big deal

This conversation will decide not only who controls Brandon, but also who was actually the guy at the top

You could argue that the entire ending of South Pacific will be determined right here



And anyway, let's see who winds up becoming the South Pacific level boss.

"We need to get rid of Sophie. She's the number one threat."

"I disagree with that, totally."

"I've been watching what she says at these Tribals, Coach. She's too dangerous."

"Chuckie wouldn't vote for Sophie, and neither will I."

"Come on, man. This is the smart play."




"No."

"Think about it. You know that Chuckie would want this."

"No."

"If I make the case for voting out Sophie in Russian, would that help?"

"Nyet."




"What if I said I was a baseball, and this is the only way I'd be interested in dating you. Would that sway you?"




"No. And you bastard."



And I should point out that Albert actually calls the ending of the season here.

He goes on to predict exactly what is going to happen.

"You don't want to sit next to Sophie, Coach."

"They aren't going to respect the way you play the game."

"I know that you think Sophie is not a threat. That's wrong."





"Think clearly, man."

"I'm thinking more clearly, dude, than I've ever thought in the game."



At this point... right in the middle of this conversation... the editors now insert a confessional of Coach, where he is complaining about Albert. And again, as I pointed out in the last entry, in my Dan Foley entry, this is one of those sneaky things that editors do to trick you into thinking about a conversation in a certain way.

If you don't get how sneaky it is when editors do this, just watch...

"You don't want to sit next to Sophie, Coach. She's too good.'"

"As the group finally starts to scramble..."

"It's really the first time we've had to turn on each other."

"And it's a very unsettling feeling."

"Coach, here are the reasons why Sophie has a chance to beat all of us..."

"Albert came up to me, and he was adamant about voting Sophie off."

"He just blows whichever way the wind goes."

"It was disheartening."

"Sophie is very, very dangerous, Coach. Why can't you see that?"

"I've been in a very tight alliance with Sophie since I found the idol."

"I tried to reason with Albert, but he's not having any of it."

"He's got a thing about Sophie."

"And I think it's because Sophie is smarter than Albert."

"THAT'S the reason why Albert is intimidated by Sophie."



Okay, now that I've laid it for you, see what the editors did with that confessional? See how they tricked you into rooting against Albert? Just like they often did with Dan Foley?

If you don't see it yet, I'll show you.

Albert is saying something very logical

He is spelling out exactly how the final episode is going to go

Everything he is saying is one hundred percent true



But we're going to instantly invalidate that by Coach saying it can't possibly be true... because...

"Albert is just scared of women."



And of course the audience is going to have an emotional response to that comment, right here in the middle of Albert's speech, because that's what Survivor audiences do.

And that's why from here on out, even though you didn't even realize it yet, even though Albert is a hundred percent correct in everything he's saying...

... you've been tricked into rooting for Albert to lose.

"Albert is hearing Sophie at Tribal. She's speaking up."

"She's not this quiet little mouse that he thought that she was."

"And now all of a sudden he's like... I gotta get rid of Sophie!"



The point I am making here is that even though you think this scene is saying one thing ("Albert is a mess; Albert is panicking because he's intimidated by women"), it's really actually saying something else ("Maybe Coach should have listened to Albert and not tried to diagnose him; Maybe losing to Sophie was all Coach's fault.") But the editors want to hide that line of thinking from you, because they want you to believe that Coach should have won.

It's not until you watch this season for a second, third, or fourth time, that you see through the editing, that you start to see what REALLY probably happened at the end in South Pacific. And you start to see what this scene between Albert and Coach is ACTUALLY saying.

It's saying that Albert warned Coach what was going to happen

And if he lost to Sophie at the end... well... that was really on Coach



So in the words of the Iceman himself, Brian Heidik...

Coach caused this effect



Anyway, let's get back to the rest of the scene.

"Albert, when it gets down to the end..."

"Coach, listen... will you just..."

"That's a terrible argument, man, it really is."

"You really don't understand it, man."



And even though the dick-measuring contest hasn't quite been resolved yet (it's leaning towards Coach, but we still have at least a hundred "mans" and "dudes" and "bros" to go), it doesn't really matter in the end because...

As he does...

Brandon just walks up and interrupts them.

"You know Coach, if you listen to me, you'll see..."

"Hey fuckers, what's up? Are you guys talking about Christ?"



Thus leading to at least a temporary truce in the big showdown.

"Yes Brandon. We were talking about Christ."

"Sweet. What's your favorite psalm?"



And anyway, this is where Coach starts to get irritated a little bit.

Because I'm guessing the stress of the game is starting to get to him.

"I was just explaining to Albert that he doesn't know how the jury works."

"The jury is a totally different animal."

"Coach says it's a totally different animal, Albert. So stop questioning him."

"Coach knows everything."

Hey what up, little guy. Good to see you.

*sigh*

You know who I miss? I miss J.T. and Stephen.



Brandon starts to dig around, to find out what they were talking about...

And this is where Coach finally snaps.

"What are you guys discussing? I'm getting nervous."

"Were you telling him something about Chuckie? Please tell me."

"Did Mikayla leave some of her panties around camp?"

"Let me know if they're tempting you, and I'll take them."

"Just tell me. What's going on over here?"



And that's it.

Coach is officially DONE with this shit.

"Come on, man. Don't sound like Russell."

"We're just talking about jury votes. Don't try to bully us, man."

"Seriously, man. You've turned into a bully."




"We're talking about jury votes, and how the jury thinks."

"And you're accusing us that that's not we're thinking about."




"Don't play like that, man."

"I mean, would Chuckie do that?"

"No sir. He wouldn't."

"Why don't you think about that?"



And again, even though Coach was probably already leaning this way...

"Brandon's too dangerous in a jury vote. We have to get rid of him."

She's right. Poor Bubble Bible Boy.



Even though he was probably already leaning this way, I think THIS is where he officially makes up his mind that Brandon has to go home.

Coach just isn't interested in dealing with any of this kid's shit anymore.

"First of all, it's rude to interrupt somebody's conversation."

"Number two. Bullying people is not gonna help you at this point."

"In fact, it's gonna seal your fate."

"I mean, it's so reminiscent of Russell. I'm having flashbacks."



Brandon's feelings are hurt because his big brother figure just snapped at him, of course...

"That definitely hurt my feelings, what you just said, bro."

"Well I know. But I'm just telling you the truth, man."

"It hurt, bro."

"I know man. But sometimes life hurts."

"Bro."

"Man."

"Bro-Man."

"Man-Bro."

"Please stop, bro. This is stupid."



Anyway, Coach apologizes for hurting Brandon's feelings.

"I'm sorry, man."




"You know I accept it, bro."




"It's just that Russell really did a number on me."

"And so when I see you doing the same thing that he did, it kinda freaks me out."




"But I never took a shit on your head when you were sleeping, bro."




"No, Brandon. I'm talking about all the other stuff."




"The psychological stuff."











"It's a big word, Brandon. It means..."




"Actually, never mind. Let's just hug it out, man."




"I love you, man."
"Love you too, bro."




"This is ridiculous, dude."



And this leads into one of my favorite little moments of... well... pretty much ANY Survivor season.

If you want to see the very definition of unintentional comedy, go watch this scene.

Or better yet, go read the entry I already wrote about it.




Coach goes off to pontificate over what he's going to do about Brandon tonight

He gives a little monologue about how Brandon always comes up and interrupts people

And how annoying it is



And right in the middle of his speech about how annoying it is that Brandon always interrupts you...

Brandon comes up and interrupts him

"Taro?"

"Why yes, Brandon. It is."

*big Coach sigh* Thanks for ruining my monologue, asshole



Sorry, I've always just loved that little moment.

It's so perfect.

"Coach, tell me again how we're gonna live off the fat of the land."

"Coach, tell me again about the rabbits."

"Coach, tell me the one about Chuckie and the Ethiopian gymnast."

Man, this mercy killing tonight is gonna be a bastard...



And with that, let's head off to the episode fourteen immunity challenge.

And hey, guess what? Ozzy wins immunity again.



Wait. That can't be right. Ozzy isn't even in the game.

Sorry about that one, guys. That was a knee-jerk.

In today's immunity challenge...

In a surprise to most everyone...

Brandon defies the odds, and winds up winning immunity today

"That one was for you, Jesus!"



So anyway, it looks like our favorite Bible Boy WON'T be going home tonight.

Even though the votes were all lined up to get him, it turns out he's going to be perfectly safe.

DAMNIT!

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you father!"



As an added bonus, not only does Brandon win immunity today...

As a reward, he also wins the right to have his own little pizza party.

"Here's the menu, Brandon. Check it out."

"You get to be the author of your own toppings."

"Hey Coach! Look! Pizza! This is the stuff that Chuckie makes!"

Yes Brandon, you're right. Very good!



Brandon gets to choose one member of the tribe to join him for pizza.

And naturally, he chooses his best friend in the game, Coach.

And not surprisingly, he chooses his friend and trusted mentor, Albert

And for some reason he chooses... uh... Rick?

Rick



Look, I have no idea why Brandon chooses Rick at this point in the game. So don't even ask. I couldn't possibly tell you.

We're thirty-seven days into South Pacific, and at this point, as viewers, we still have no idea what Rick's storyline is supposed to be, what his strategy is, who he's actually close to, who his allies are. Who he is. What his stance is on mustache wax. Who his favorite Spice Girl is. What he thinks about the new Evo 3D from Sprint. Nothing! As viewers, we don't know ANY of that.

So just WHY does Brandon choose Rick to go with him on this particular pizza party?

Fuck if I know. Let's just skip over that.

So anyway, Brandon and Rick have their little pizza party on the beach right after the challenge

Which a very jealous-looking Coach is now forced to watch



We do get this fun little confessional, though.

*big sad pouty face*

"I believe in divine intervention."

That's right, bitch

"It was not Brandon's time to go home tonight."

"He saved his own skin by winning immunity today."









"I am at peace with that. But I'm pissed."



And naturally, because Brandon isn't going to be eligible to be voted out anymore...

"Today, worst case scenario happened."



Sophie and Coach both agree.

If the vote tonight can't be Brandon, that means it has to be...





"Albert has just been getting on our nerves, more and more and more, since the merge."

"He's been sneaky. He thinks he's more strategic than everyone else."

"Everything he does is the smartest, most strategic decision possible."

"More and more, I'm feeling like Albert should go home tonight."



And this is where the drama is going to ramp up on Upolu very fast.




Sophie is lobbying very hard for the vote to be Albert



And Albert is lobbying very hard for the vote to be... well...




Not Albert




"Sophie is definitely game-playing, Coach. You gotta watch out for her."



And once again, stuck in the middle...

Is the guy who everyone wants to take to the end...




Coach




"Sophie's over there talking to Brandon and Rick right now, Coach. "Smelling their pizza.""

"Hey guys, this pizza smells GOOD. And also, isn't Albert a prick?"

"She's making a move."



And this is all going to culminate in easily the biggest argument of the season.




First, Brandon announces to the pizza crew that he will be voting for Albert tonight




Rick (off camera, as usual) says that he'll vote for Albert as well



And this is where Rick shares a little bit of info that Brandon hadn't been aware of.




Rick admits that Albert promised him a spot in the final three yesterday




Which is pretty much the exact same deal that Albert also offered to Brandon



Which means for the first time... maybe for the first time all game... one of the Upolus has been busted trying to double-deal everyone.

And for a guy like Brandon, that's a big no-no



And this is where it all turns into a great big bash-fest about Albert.








Ohhhhh my lord. Albert's a LIAR!




And God says that liars will BURN!



Sophie is right there to fan the flames, of course.

Because of course she is.











And I'm not going to include all the details... but the whole thing ends with Albert trying to lie his way out of it...

"I've never, ever lied to you, Brandon. I promise!"

"So you're really a baseball?"

"I am! And I'm also dating Coach!"

That's ridiculous! I know that only God's dating Coach!



And it culminates in everyone pointing fingers at Albert and yelling.

"Hey fuck you, liar!"

"This is ridiculous! I'm being railroaded!"

"Hell is right over there! In case you're planning to walk there!"

"Hey man, I hope your pizza was shit!"

"That pizza was awesome. And fuck you!"




"That pizza was from Chuckie! Albert, why you gotta hurt Chuckie?!"



And I should point out that Coach doesn't really have anything to do with all this.

All he can do at this point is sit back, stay out of the crossfire, and watch his little family implode.




Well... at least the first part of the game was fun



Anyway, Albert gets absolutely massacred here.

"Hey Sophie, can I explain?"

"How about you kiss my ass, baseball!"

"Where is your strategic mind NOW?!?"

Sofierce goes off on him



And even though this fight seems irrelevant to the story of Coach, because he isn't directly involved... I can assure you it is actually quite relevant.

Because everything that is happening right now on the beach (the arguments, the finger pointing, the accusations, the pizza flinging) is going to culminate later... for just about everyone involved (except for maybe Sophie)... in a tragic, and absolutely heartbreaking, domino effect...

Or... I guess... as Chuckie would say... a Domino's Effect.

Seriously, Coach? How did the fight on the beach lead to THIS?

And you always said you were GOOD!



So let's see...

How can I summarize how we go from the fight on the beach, to Coach and Albert both tanking their jury chances...?

As always, we'll say the instigator for this whole next final tragedy was Albert



Okay, so after the big fight on the beach, Albert sits down for a confessional.

And first off, he admits to us...

"You know, that could have gone a little bit better."



And then he spells out the only shot he has to be possibly ever be able to recover from this.

"I have one shot left in this game, and that's Brandon."

"All I have to do is draw Brandon back onto my side, and I know I'll be good."



And so that's exactly what he does.




He goes to Brandon, and he tries to be all humble and repentant and apologetic and shit



And not surprisingly, because Albert is as smooth a talker as Coach is most of the time...

And because Brandon will always hold Albert in the highest of esteem...

It works.

"And do you see how I had to lie to Rick, and pretend I had a final three deal with him?"

"Do you see why the game forced me to do that?"





"Well I can assure you my final three deal is with you."

"I just don't want you to close your heart on me, okay man?"




And just like that, Albert has managed to get Mister Swing Vote back on his side.

"Albert is a wild card. But you know, I love him. He is my friend."

"Who am I not to forgive?"

"I am an imperfect person, too."

"I forgive him."



And I have to say... Albert, to his credit, actually does a really good job here.

He goes in there and he does what needs to be done.

He is actually able to win Brandon back.

"I had side deals with others, but they were broken a long time ago, man."

"My final three deal is with you."

"What I have with others is nothing compared to what we have, man."



And with that, they officially shake hands and make up.

Because this is God's will



And this is where Brandon officially makes up his mind.

On the decision that is going to fuck up pretty much EVERYONE.

Brandon declares he will not vote for Albert tonight





"Holy shit," thinks Albert. "That actually WORKED!"



And from here it's just gonna go from one unfortunate, tragic plot twist to another.

Because now that Brandon knows his buddy Albert will probably get a couple of votes tonight...

Albert will probably get votes from Sophie and Rick



Brandon now ups his sense of godliness even further, and he makes a promise to the guy who he thinks is his friend...





Wait. Seriously?

"Yeah brother, if I honestly think you're in danger, I'd be willing to help you."

"Really?"

Wow hey! This little guy is okay!



And this is where Brandon walks into the trap that he doesn't realize is coming.

"If I have to, I'll give Albert my immunity."

"And Coach will not vote for me."

"Albert will not vote for me."

"And I'll vote for Sophie."

You little fuckwad, you wouldn't!




"Yes ma'am. I would. And God will protect me."



And ohhhhh shit.

You can now see this one coming, a mile away.

Because it's time to see what Coach's integrity is actually made of.




Coach right now, trying to deal with his integrity



So anyway, just watch the rest of this infamous episode now, and cringe.

Because we're about to officially turn into... "Scott's Tots."




"You know me, Coach. I'm your best friend here."

"I can't lie to you."

"You know by now that God speaks to me."




Yyyyyyyeep. He sure does.

"You know I would never make a decision to hurt me or you."

"More than anyone in this game. I would never hurt either of us."





"And I pray that you accept this."

Oh shit. He just figured out that Chuckie's not real. God help us.

"Coach, I pray that that we will make it to the end of this game."

"And I pray that we will do that if we keep Albert here."

"And I pray that, because you believe in me, I can be the next President Obama!"

Coach starting a die a little on the inside, because he knows what is coming



And anyway...

You know I've said it before...

"Wildcard, bitches."

"If I have to, I'll give Albert my necklace."

Oh shit

"And I know you'll never vote against me."

Mmmmm hmmm

"And I know you'd never do anything, or vote any way, that you knew I was going home."




"Because I trust you."

Awwwww FUCK!



And again... if you like cringe humor like Scott's Tots... well you can kind of see why I compared it to this...

"This example will probably be the pinnacle of why we're out here, Coach."

"We can teach the world about forgiveness. And about loyalty."

"We can show that in Upolu, we all play with honor."

"And that if we can't forgive our brother, our Heavenly Father will not forgive us, either."

"One day they will write about our season in biblical texts, Coach."

"And you. YOU! You'll get to be the big hero!"

"This is your moment, Coach! The summary of everything you stand for!"

"This is the day that you can make God... and also Chuckie... SO PROUD!"



And... you know... I can keep going with this, if you want. I can do this all day.

I've always loved cringe humor on Survivor.

It's fun. :)

"You set an example for EVERYONE, Coach. That's what God sent you to do!"




"You are my SENSEI!"

"South Pacific won't be like any other season, bro"




"When they cover our season on Reddit, it will just be one big, long paragraph about how honest and noble you are."

"It will be a tribute to you! To YOU! To the king of Upolu! To the lord of sincerity!"

"This is your legacy, Anakin."

"FOR YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE!!"



Sorry, just one more.

Because I can't resist.

"Dragonslayers are always coming around, telling us they're gonna play with honor."

"They're gonna change the game."

"Promising this and that."

"But not you, Mister Coach..."

"You are actually doin' it!"



And again...

The Artist Formerly Known as Benjamin, deep down in his soul



And with that, the wheels of tragedy (or comedy*, I guess, depending on how you look at it) are now set into motion.

* Who the fuck knows at this point?

"I want things to be easy and simple."

"And earlier today it was kinda black and white."

"Because we had one man, Albert, that had just completely lied to camp."

More like Baseball/Liar

"So it's justification that he goes."

"But then Brandon brings in forgiveness..."

"Hey Coach... forgiveness."

"And the immunity necklace."

"Hey Coach, do you think Mikayla could deepthroat the immunity necklace?"

"And it makes it SO hard to determine right from wrong."

"It makes it so hard to figure out... who should go?"

"Who deserves to stay?"

"Which alliance I should be in? Which people I can trust?"

"Is it so wrong if I want a pizza the pie, too?"

"These answers are no longer black and white."



And I'll be perfectly honest with you.

All kidding aside, Coach actually DOES look a little bit shellshocked at this point in the season.

Because this game- the one that he was previously controlling- has somehow turned on him now, and forced him into a corner




A corner he hadn't seen coming



And worst of all...




A corner that's going to be lose-lose for him either way




Either Brandon goes on and probably wins the final jury vote, or Coach blindsides the kid tonight and backstabs him




And what kind of a choice is THAT? Honestly?



And this is why I mentioned that Coach looked a little bit different way back at the start of this entry.

It's because, again, the individual part of this game is kicking him square in the nuts




He isn't used to the other players now dictating HIS moves



And with that, let's set up the big backstab...

"I just honestly believe that this is what God wants us to do, Coach."

"God wants us to show we are noble."

"No, remember now. This is what God wants YOU to do."

"What God wants ME to do is he wants me to go pray."

Well that's good, I guess. God does like to pray.

"I promise you this, Brandon..."

"I will do whatever God tells me to do."

"Alright?"



So Coach goes, and he prays.

"Dear God. First off, why did you put Brandon Fucking Hantz on my tribe?"

"Couldn't you at least have given me Phillip??"



And at the end of the prayer, God apparently gives him his orders....

"I bowed down, and I humbly sought God to give me an answer."

"Of what I should do tonight."

"I begged God to speak to me like He's never spoken to me before."

"And so He did."

(in broad, fake Jamaican accent)
"HEY MON, WHAT SEEMS TO BE DE TROUBLE, MON?"

"I forgot that... sometimes... God tends to be kind of literal."



In any case, yada yada yada, Coach speaks to God.

And God gives him a name.

And this is good, because now Coach can now claim he wasn't responsible for this backstab at all, it was all God's fault Coach knows what God wants him to do.




"It was the same name. Over and over and over again."




"THAT'S who needs to go home tonight."




"For that is God's will."



And anyway, let's head to Tribal Council now.

And let's watch how basically ALL the big power players on Upolu are going to somehow lose Survivor: South Pacific tonight...

... except for basically Sophie.




Which I'm sure Sophie was very much in favor of

I mean, you know SHE was definitely a fan of this episode



Okay, so we get to the infamous Tribal Council scene...







And right off the bat, Brandon makes his fateful announcement.




"You're in a very powerful spot right now, Brandon."




"You're the only one who has..."




"I wanna give my immunity necklace up."








"... seriously?"



Even the jury is stunned.




My god, that is NOT optimal poker play!




BRANDON! NO! YOU FOOL!




"No!," says Coach all the way from Heroes vs Villains. "Don't do that to Coach!"




Once again, Becky sees Survivor history unfold, and she goes apeshit



Brandon then walks over, and he gives his necklace to Albert.

Just like he promised he would.




Here, bro




"Love you, man."
"Love you more, pal."



Everyone just sits there and watches in amazement.




Holy shit. I think they're Terrance and Phillipping.




"I'm always your friend, buddy."
"I'm your buddy to the end, guy."







And with that, Albert is now immune tonight.

And Brandon is dead meat.




Baseball/Conqueror




"Are you sure you want to do this, Brandon?"




"Yes sir."

"You sure you don't want to get up first, and go whisper in somebody's ear?"




"And maybe start a chain reaction of little side conversation whispering scenes?"




"Maybe make this a bit of a live Tribal?"




"No sir. This is only season twenty-three. Survivor's not that dumb yet."




"Fair enough."



And this is where Brandon explains his motivations to everyone.




"Well I've made a statement here, every Tribal Council..."




"That I would stay true to the commitments that I make."




"And that I would give my own place in the game up for them."




"I've started something, Jeff, and I'm gonna finish it."




"So you have an alliance with Albert. And you think that Albert is in trouble tonight."




"So you are in effect laying down on the sword for Albert tonight."




"Yes sir."



And this is where Coach steps in, and he (I would say wisely) tries to head off the narrative he knows is being developed here...




NO, NO, NO, says Coach. Brandon is martyring.



I mean because... let's be honest here... if there's ONE guy who would be able to tell when someone else is trying to martyr for the cameras...




... it's Coach




"Coach, you're shaking your head no."




"You don't believe Brandon's story?"




"I just want to set the record straight."



And I have to give the guy credit here.

Coach KNOWS what is going to happen tonight.

What he's DOING is he's trying to mitigate how much political damage he's going to wind up taking over it.

What he's doing is he's basically trying to cover his own ass.




"A couple of hours ago, Brandon was gonna vote for Albert."




"But then he prayed about it."




"And he felt like he should give the necklace to Albert."




Basically, Brandon's strategy



And with that, let Brandon's breakdown continue...




"Brandon, you seem like you have the weight of the entire planet on your shoulders."




"I've had time to pray with Albert, Jeff."




"I know that if I don't do this, then he's going to Redemption."




"I'm curious, Brandon. Why would you do that?"



And (I'm guessing, much to Coach's chagrin) this is where Brandon pulls out his unbelievably tragic life story, and all of the betrayals he has experienced in his life. And he casually just drops all this info on everyone.

It's a REALLY good speech.







And the fact that Brandon pulls out an amazing speech here about his backstory is... again... rather unfortunate for Coach...

Because what it does is... it instantly makes the jury all that more sympathetic towards Brandon.




"I used to be in a gang, Jeff. I used to run with a bad crowd."




"But they'd hurt me, Jeff."




"People always said they had your back. But they never did."




"I was really willing to give my life for these guys."




"But they'd always betray me."




"They'd always hurt me."



Brandon's speech is so good that even SOPHIE, of all people, looks like she's about to tear up a little bit.




And when you can win over Sofierce... that's saying something




Jeff, I was always the one who would be incredibly loyal to people."

"People were freaked out by me because I'd step in front of a bullet for them."




"Is that where the loco tattoo comes from? The word "crazy"?"




"Yeah. But it's not in a negative way."




"It's because my friends knew that they could trust me."



And now here comes the incredibly sad part.




"Coach promised me I could be the next President Obama. And I BELIEVE in him!"




Coach right now



Oops, sorry. I don't know why I keep dropping Scott's Tots references in there. Sorry, that one was an accident.

Here is Brandon's ACTUAL sad story.




"Sometimes my gang would get into a huge brawl, and I'd be the only one standing there."




"None of them would show up."


"None of them ever had my back in return, and it was heartbreaking."




"So it wasn't really a gang."




"It was people taking my loyalty for granted."




"Using for me what they wanted to use me for, then leaving me hanging."




"Is there any chance that's happening tonight?"




"I'd like to think it wasn't."








"But Brandon. These are your competitors."




"In a million dollar game."



And man, this is where this episode just keeps on twisting that knife...




"And the funny part about it is, I consider these two guys my best friends!"




"We have a very solid connection with each other."




"Because of Christ inside of them."




"I was drawn to 'em, man. It wasn't by coincidence."




"Look, Coach will even let me touch him on the tummy. Now that is God's will."



And this is where the jury can see what's about to happen...




Oh my god. Brandon's gonna get Jesus fucked, isn't he?




Coach is clearly weighing the odds on how the jury is going to react to this




Naturally... Sophie is, too



And this is where everyone starts trying to spin what is about to go down.

Albert does it the way Albert likes to spin things, of course...

He just does it through bullshit.




"When I got to this game, something told me that there's a bigger reason why I was here."




The classic Sophie eye roll




"The bond that Brandon, Coach, and I have is SO REAL."




"It's what led me away from making similar bonds with Rick and Sophie."




"It's a different level of bond. With Brandon and Coach, it's a spiritual bond."



And we'll get to this more in the Sophie chapters, of course...

But it's fun to watch how blatantly Sophie plays to the jury.

Especially whenever Albert is talking.

Come on jury. Are you buying this?




Of course he would say that. He's fucking ALBERT!



And this is where Albert's bullshit is probably going to cost him the game.

I don't think he is ever going to be able to recover (at least among the jury) from what is about to go down.




"Albert, as a Christian man..."




"Would you give the necklace back to Brandon if you felt he was in danger tonight?"




"If I realistically believed he was in trouble, then yes. I would."




ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, JURY?!?




THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY ON EARTH ALBERT IS GIVING THAT NECKLACE BACK!



 Probst sees Sophie making eyes at the jury (like he always does), and he actually calls her out over it.




"Sophie, do you believe Albert would give the necklace back?"



And just like we're going to see in the next episode, in the finale, this is where Sophie proves to be a master at gleefully bashing her "family members" in front of the jury.

Any chance she gets to shit on Albert or Coach, she'll take it.




"Ah..."




"I don't know what to believe from Albert anymore."




"He's been sneaky."




"So I'm not sitting here relying on blind faith from Albert that I had on day one."




Oh Jesus Christ, Sophie



One of the things I want you to keep in mind when you watch this scene... is my belief that I think Albert and Sophie both considered themselves the favorite to win at this point. In fact, I'm guessing that neither one of them were actually scared of Coach all that much of as a threat. I think, at this point, the ones they were worried about the most were each other.

And that's why Sophie is so happy she gets to throw Albert under the bus in this episode.




Well I guess that's now one for point for ME!




Cause I know full well Albert aint gonna be giving that necklace back




You know what, Sophie? You suck.



The thing when it comes to the members of Upolu is... and remember this, because this is important...

Sophie will bash Albert. But Albert will NOT bash Sophie. Because he's too diplomatic.

Sophie will bash Coach. But Coach will NOT bash Sophie. Because he's probably too nice.

And if you want to understand why one of them winds up winning South Pacific, and why two of them lose...




... I mean, that's probably your answer



Anyway, let's finish off the fall of Brandon with a bang.




At some point, Rick announces that Coach is hiding a hidden immunity idol




Which is something Coach appears to be exceptionally happy about



And Sophie appears to be exceptionally happy about this too...




Because...



Um, crap.

I guess I should probably save that for the Sophie chapter...




Hey guys, Coach didn't actually play with honor and integrity!



And then with that, we finally come to the end.

And we lose Brandon.







The guy who, according to the players in the game, was actually a...




HERO!



But because the ending didn't work out in his favor...

By the rules of reality TV...

He now goes down in Survivor history as a...




SIDEKICK!



Anyway, bye Brandon.

Thanks for being this season's big punching bag.




"Brandon, I'm guessing you're sensing that you're not as secure as you thought tonight."

"Yes sir. I honestly believe that tonight might be my night."




"I definitely feel like my gang is going to abandon me once again."




"Is there any part of you that expects Albert to give that necklace back now?








"It's up to him, sir."




"How's that feel, Albert? That's a lot of pressure."




"It IS a lot of pressure. But I hope Brandon feels comfortable with me, him, and Coach..."




"I hope he knows that he CAN make a move like this... and he'll go untouched..."




Yeah, we'll just see how untouched he'll wind up being




Hey jury, I hope you guys are watching this



 And now, Albert's famous bullshit last words.




"Honestly? I don't think he's going home tonight."




"So I'm not gonna give him the necklace back."







And with that, we now know that this...

... the most ethical dilemma in this season, BY FAR...

Will now one hundred percent come down on the shoulders of Coach.




He is now officially sitting in the Michael Scott chair




It's time to see just HOW he is going to handle his little God Padawan



And to be honest?

I don't think Coach could have handled it any worse if he had tried.




"Coach, so somehow you got involved in all of this."




"I did. And you know, I don't mind the responsibility."




"Because I got down on my knees in the sand, and I prayed that God give me an answer."




"On what I should do tonight."




Oh my god. He's going to say it, isn't he...?




Seriously, are you guys in the jury hearing all this???




He's going to blame it on God



And I'm going to paraphrase what Coach says a little bit, for comedic purposes. But I'm doing it for a reason.

Because despite what he actually says, THESE are the words the jury would have heard from him.




"I'm completely at peace with my decision tonight."




"Because I didn't choose this. God chose this."




"Voting out Brandon wasn't my fault. It was GOD'S fault."



And again... I'm shocked Coach got even ONE jury vote at the end, after using that copout.




"Brandon, are you at peace with all this?"




"No sir. I'm not."




When you realize your sensei is officially using the God card against you




Albert hears this. And he still won't give back that immunity necklace.*

* although in Albert's defense, at this point he'd be pretty dumb to



And at this point, everyone's beaten down face pretty much says it all...




Playing Survivor against YOUR FAMILY is hard



And with that, it's bye Brandon...




Good luck, little buddy. Remember to vote for me in the jury, guy.




Happy trails, buckaroo. Consider this a sad little yee-haw.




Hey Brandon, sorry about your necklace. But we're still best buddies, right?




Remember that Coach and Albert suck, and I don't. See you at the next Adam Sandler movie.




The face of utter shellshock



And... of course... if there's one thing you can count on when it comes to South Pacific...

It's that... at the end... here comes Michael Gary Scott with the big cringe line.




Sorry Brandon. I'm sorry that God was an asshole.




But this wasn't my fault, man. God wouldn't give me the pen.



And I have to appreciate that the editors enjoyed the hypocrisy in this moment as much as I did.




Because as Jeff is off tallying the votes...




The camera zooms way in on the crosses around Coach's neck...




Just to remind you



And that means it's officially Bye Brandon.




Sorry Brandon. I guess the Creator has spoken.




*scotstottsed*



Although of course... we do get one last screenshot that sorta foreshadows the ending...




And you always said you were good!




You did all that to me? And you wouldn't even WARN me?



And I should point out that Coach's instinct to hug people who are amazingly pissed at him hasn't gotten much better...




"There there, little buddy. Sorry that God did that to you. I tried to stop Him, but I couldn't."




"This is God's will. Now go win Redemption."



And I can't resist pointing out THIS little reaction shot I caught, as I was grabbing this screencap.




Where Sophie is REALLY REALLY happy that Coach played that so amazingly horribly



I should also point out that Albert doesn't come off any better than Coach does, right after the Brandon vote.

Because Albert TOTALLY knew that Brandon was going home tonight.

And EVERYONE else in the game knew that too, including Brandon.




Meanwhile, Albert is just sitting there afterwards, as if he's trying to piece it all out




What the heck? Holy doodle! How the heck did Brandon go home?



Albert should be dancing on this kid's grave.

Instead he's pretending he had nothing to do with it.




These are the things that the jury notices




These are the things they don't like about Albert



And anyway, that's how Sophie winds up winning this episode.

And that's how Brandon, Coach, and Albert all lose.




*smuff*




*shamed*




*shady*




*had no part in this backstab at all*



 Oh and then... right at the end...

Just to drive home the point even further...

Out of revenge for what they just did to the hero, God breaks the clasp on Albert's necklace, and He makes it fall into his lap.

Which the editors accompany, of course, with a cute little church chime




DAT ONE WAS FOR BRANDON, MON! 




YOU DON'T FUCK AROUND WITH MY FAVORITE!!



And thaaaaaaat, my friends, is how you end one of the single greatest Survivor episodes of all time.




It also sets us up nicely for the finale




From a reader named Foxx des Lauriers: "Brandon's boot is a top five episode for me. Albert’s game collapses. Ozzy’s Pleasure Dome. Edna almost beating Ozzy. Coach scheming to get Brandon out in front of his face, and using Russell against him. Brandon gives up immunity. The scene where Coach is talking about how Brandon is like Russell and he needs to go, and Brandon walks up to him and offer him food- It’s chilling. Such a powerful, haunting scene. It's just a masterpiece. So much visual and subtle storytelling. That whole episode is just...every part of it is excellent and it shows why people win Survivor and why people lose."



From a reader named Ken Bollinger: "Hey Mario, here's something I wanted to add onto the whole Coach and Brandon dynamic. Have you heard of the story of Don Quixote? The parallels of Coach's story in Survivor and that old novel are staggering. Of course, the whole knight errant theme fits, but there's sooo much more.

Although Don Quixote is meant to be farcical in nature, it can also be seen as a tragedy. In Tocantins and Heroes vs Villains, Coach is the guy who shows his ideals and nobility in what is obviously a post-chivalric TV game show. And everyone (even Probst) thinks Coach Quixote is insane. Although clearly, Coach WAS tilting at windmills. And he was imagining his competition as being greater than they actually were (Brendan being called "dragon" comes to mind). Back then, Coach's Sancho was Tyson. Tyson's not a simple farmer like in the book, but Tyson did enjoy being co-Coach, so the storyline fits.

Brandon being Coach's SECOND Sancho is different. Because over time, in South Pacific, Brandon sort of becomes more and more like Quixote than Coach does. And Coach kind of slips more into the role of Sancho. And now COACH is the guy who is more grounded in reality the second time around. And now it's BRANDON who is tilting at windmills, and having ideals, and chivalry, and lusting over the imaginary Dulcinea (Mikayla). And of course now it's BRANDON who's "doing the right thing" by giving his immunity away. And of course, people are calling Brandon crazy all season long. It's fantastic comedy material!







And with that, let's finish off Coach's new, improved, Don Quixote tragedy of a storyline. By heading into the finale.

In a final chapter I like to call "May The Hungriest One Win."

Back to The Funny 115 - The Third One