The Funny 115 - The Third One


The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - The Danimal Gets in Your Head


Felt cute, might expose my nads to the camera later



" Hey Mario. I'm a huge fan of the Funny115, and am following the countdown to number one. I'm assuming that everyone's favorite adopted gorilla is still coming (hopefully at #1). I just wanted to let you know Dan's instagram is literally called "chxdigme2". It's so stupid and ironic that it's fucking brilliant."



If you're a Survivor viewer (like me, and like all of us are), the problem when a tribe never goes to Tribal Council is that we have no idea what the alliances on that tribe actually were. And that's why I have no idea what the alliances were like on the Blue Collar Tribe prior to episode four.

I mean, we can take what the show presented to us:




Hey guys, it's us four all the way to the end



But there's no way it was ever that simple. There's no way Sierra and Lindsey were just sitting around all day with their thumbs up their butts, while everyone else strategized.




Then again, maybe they were. I mean, she did have a tattoo on the side of her damn face.



If you were to put a gun to my head, here's how I'm guessing the alliances on the Blue Collars probably really broke down. And this is after many viewings of Worlds Apart, and lots of paying attention to all of the background details. And especially paying attention to which players are often hanging out with each other.

I'm guessing Mike was the hub, and pretty much everyone was aligned with Golden Boy Mike.




Happy dance



I'm also guessing that Sierra was aligned with pretty much everyone. She is almost always sitting right there in the middle of camp, having conversations with people.




Just look for the tall one



"When we came back from filming Worlds Apart, and the episodes started airing, the thing a lot of us were surprised about we just how purple they made Sierra in the edit. Sierra was a much bigger factor than they ever showed in the episodes."



And, of course, because Rodney is such a street hustler, you know he was aligned with pretty much everyone. Whether they actually liked him or not, you know he was out there putting on his hustle pants with people.




You can see it in the first few minutes of the premiere, Rodney is all over this game



And then, of course, we come to the Danimal.




McRib is back! Yay!



People might be surprised when they read this, but I'm pretty sure Dan ALSO had a solid alliance with just about everyone. I don't think he was nearly as bad at Survivor as the show made him out to be. I mean, yeah, the guy was a big blustery Chris Farley character. And yeah, the guy did cringe-worthy stuff, and people always reacted to him. But from a social game/alliance perspective, I bet he was actually in a pretty strong position on the Blue Collars.

The key is, you just have to look in the background.




On one hand, the show loves to show Dan moments like this




SNAKE! KILL IT!








DO IT! MOVE!




Horrified reactions from The Dan Foley Fan Club



But on the other hand... check out the screenshots of the Blue Collars simply hanging around.

Look who Dan is usually hugging and laughing with.




Yeah we all know he was BFFs with Mike



But did you catch he is often palling around with Sierra?











And then we get this moment, where he appears to be close to Lindsey. Telling her that she should be the one to go get the immunity idol.




You get it. You've earned it.




Oh never mind, Lindsey. Rodney got it.




And then this scene, where Dan and Lindsey also appear to be tight with each other



The point is, I don't think Dan was nearly the stumbly, bumbly buffoon that you probably think he was. This superfan knew (like all superfans do) that you need to have a bond with everyone else on the tribe. And I'm pretty sure he had that.

At least... up until the first Tribal Council anyway.




Dan, you fucking idiot. Shut up.



Did the other players take Dan seriously as a threat? I doubt it. But that doesn't really mean much in the early part of Survivor.

All you really want in the early part of Survivor are people who are physically strong, predictable, and loyal. And even the biggest Dan Foley detractor in the world would probably admit that yeah, he probably IS at least physically strong, predictable, and loyal. That's pretty much the Encyclopedia Britannica definition of who "Dan Foley" is. At least, before you add in all the other stuff.


"I actually met Dan in line at the casting call at the Big E where he got cast. Before he had his turn there was another guy in line who had a bit of an episode, and Dan jumped into action as sort of a self-appointed hero and body-blocked him, even though I don't think he was actually gonna do anything. The next time I saw Dan he was bragging about how his doctor was so impressed with how strong his heart was in his pre-show physical."


"I know Dan in real life. For Dan, respect, forgiveness, love... it all has to be EARNED. Especially forgiveness. You have to do something to show him you care, to admit, and grovel. But the wild thing is he is also incredibly loyal. He is always looking for acceptance; a way in to your heart and to settle in there for the long haul like a little snuggly puppy curled on the couch - which is probably due to him being adopted and never having felt wanted or fought for by those who should have loved and fought for him in the beginning. Dan is a mother bear: he will fight for you, cry for you, provide for you, snuggle you forever and ever in his big bear arms... but in the off-chance you cross him or cheat him or take advantage of the love he gives he will spin on a dime and then rip your fucking face off."



The takeaway here is that yeah, Dan was basically comic relief. But once he got through his first awkward days in the game, at that point he actually became a really good ally for people. He is the EXACT type of player you want to be aligned with on Survivor. Never forget that.




We're the kings of the world!



Although of course there are pros AND cons to being a player like that. Which several people have pointed out on message boards over the years. 


"If Dan is ever invited back, and accepts, I'd like for him to be asked why he was doing it again considering he thought they gave him such a horrible edit this time. In an All-Star season, he would get eaten alive."


"Dan is a super suckhole of neediness. If Boston Rob had played with him he would have stroked his ego and made him feel special and listened to. That he was important and calling the shots. No matter what one thinks of Boston Rob, he always knew that he puts his own personality on the back burner, and you stroke and sooth everybody else for the ultimate goal. Make them feel special and important. That is exactly how you treat a blowhard like Dan. Look at how Rob got Philip to be a good soldier, same exact thing. It is just Mike was a bit too honest in that respect and not playing the social game on the same kind of level. Not sure if Mike even thinks like that, either. Any of the prior girls who were great with the social game would have had Dan wrapped around their fingers. Parvati, for one."


"The thing about Dan's personality is that he would be SO easy to manipulate, if you could bring yourself to pander to him. I mean, look how easily he folded up his hate-tent when Mike simply spent one minute apologizing to him at FTC. Then he went on a voted for him! It brings to mind Natalie Anderson indulging Jon's pretentiousness with the wine, etc., which allowed him to get comfortable with her. She was repelled by him, but she still found a way to flatter and validate him. Dan should be happy it was only the producers that exploited him. If he'd been playing with a Natalie or a Boston Rob, you know he'd have been made to look like even more of a patsy and a fool."



Anyway, so that was the alliance situation on the Blue Collar tribe. I think they were all really strong players, and I'm guessing they were all aligned with each other in some way, especially by the fourth episode. And that includes Kelly, of course, too. As the mother of the tribe, and probably the most stable one, she was probably in the best position of them all. I'm guessing she was allies with basically EVERYONE.




Don't forget about me. I was basically T-Bird.



Remember, alliances in real life are never going to be as simple as this:




Okay, we're the four. Nobody else is strategizing.



And now we're leading up to the Blue Collars' first experience at Tribal Council. You knew it was coming.

I mean, even the strongest of Survivor tribes has to turn on itself eventually.




The audacity



Speaking of Marquesas, side note, did you know that Superfan Dan's knowledge of Survivor history is surprisingly lacking?


"Interviewer: I need to call you out on your statement that flippers never win.
Dan Foley: They don’t.
Interviewer: Okay, but Vecepia Towery won season four, and she flipped twice.
Dan Foley: But did she win?
Interviewer: Yes. She won the million. She beat Neleh Dennis.
Dan Foley: Huh. Okay."



Anyway, it's the fourth episode of Worlds Apart, and the Blue Collars are about to lose their first challenge.




"You guys ready to get to today's reward challenge?"



Say it with me, of course...




"ABSOOOOLUUUUUTELY!"




In this challenge, you're gonna yell at people and boss them around. You're gonna tell people how to do things from behind them.




Sounds like a challenge that was tailor made for Dan Foley



Although.... surprisingly... the Blue Collars choose NOT to pick Dan as their bossy pants.




They pick Sierra



Why?

Well here's what Dan said about it an interview.


"Kelly and Sierra didn't want me to be the caller because I apparently couldn't take directions well."


Every time I read that quote, it makes me laugh. I mean, it does sound like they probably knew Dan pretty well.




Nobody lets me be caller



Anyway, Dan is tasked with just standing there and holding a rope.




The audacity



"Oh my god, that rope challenge reminds me of my youth basketball team when I was a kid. We had this kid on our team, named Neal, and he was the worst basketball player you've ever seen in your life. Any time he touched the ball, he'd dribble it off his foot and it would go out of bounds. So our coach had to design this whole new set of plays called the Anti-Neal plays. They were all specifically designed to make Neal go stand in the corner, where he would never, ever, ever interact with the ball. That's what I look at when I see Dan having to go stand in the corner. They designed an Anti-Neal play specifically to negate him."




Guys I'll be over here if you need me



In any case, Dan really isn't a part of this challenge.

But he does still manage to help injure his teammate.




It's because he releases his side of the rope before Lindsey releases her side




Causing the left side of the platform to crash down much faster



You're supposed to lower the platform carefully down to the ground, but Dan's side just drops.




*smuff*



Jeff sees Dan doing this during the challenge, of course.




DROPPED!



And he even yells at him.




"DAN, BE CAREFUL WITH THAT!"




DAN! IS GOING TO BE WRONG! PREEMPTIVELY!




pew pew



"Yeah Dan dropped his platform too fast. But to be fair, Will was doing the exact same thing. He also dropped his platform right to the ground. I polled the internet, and apparently they were both trying to drop it onto Shirin."



Anyway, the accident soon happens. When Dan drops his platform too fast.




Bang




Oops




SPECIAL DELIVERY, FROM THE POST OFFICE!



And Jeff, of course, reacts with horror.




Mother!




FUCKER!




DAN, THIS IS WHY WE DESIGN ANTI-NEAL PLAYS!



In any case, Kelly winds up being banged up pretty badly.








Thank you, The Danimal



And the medics are called in.




I got here as fast as I can. Can ya poop?



As usual, head injuries turn out to be pretty bloody.







But Kelly isn't going to have to leave the game.




All she needs is an old timey bandage around the head



And the Blue Collars wind up suffering their very first challenge loss.




We're no longer the Michael Jordans, bro



I love this next little moment, by the way.

The Blue Collars get back to camp, right after the challenge.

And someone asks Kelly how many stitches she got.











And Dan, of course, with the over-laugh.




BWAHAHAHA



"I just watched Dan's Day After Video. Sigh. There is something off about this guy. He is talking about his kids hugging him and being grateful for what he has in life, and yet I still want badly to punch him in the face." 


"God Dan makes me laugh. I simply didn't remember how often his mouth is open. He looks like he's always gargling."



Okay so that's the first Blue Collar challenge loss.

And it's immediately followed in the very same episode with the SECOND Blue Collar challenge loss.




Damnit



And at the end of the fourth episode, the Blue Collars are headed to Tribal Council for the very first time.




Turns out, the fourth boot is standing somewhere on this very mat



And this is where we're finally going to see how Dan politics when he's facing a vote.




You just know he's been waiting for this



And, well, if you had any QUESTION if Dan was intended to be a buffoon/idiot/downfall character in Worlds Apart, the editors pretty much tip their hands on his story arc in the very next scene.

Note: When you see a quote like this show up on Survivor, there's a 150-200% chance this person is going to be embarrassed later. You can almost always count on it.

"I am soooo much smarter than I look."




And here we go. Be prepared to see Dan bludgeoned to death by his own confessionals. Pretty much over and over and over.

That is going to be the entire point of his story arc.


"I've been reading your new Dan Foley entry and I just want to say that my favorite thing about the whole Dan manties storyline is the thought that production had to look at Dan's dick-sling bathing suit and willingly approve it to be worn on the show. I feel like that was the exact moment they realized they were going to have to humiliate him harder than anyone in the show's entire history."


Anyway, here come Dan's thoughts on why negotiating with women is different than negotiating with men. Which, I'm guessing, is probably something a lot of people would secretly agree with, to be perfectly honest. The problem is that it's really just more of an inside thought. It's not the type of thing you're supposed to go talking about in a Survivor confessional. You can really only get away with it if you are charming like Tyson.

And, uh, a Superfan probably should have realized that.




"There's two ways to listen to people in this world."




"You can listen like a guy. Or you can listen like a girl."



"The entire Internet: My God, Dan Foley is transphobic!!!!!"




"When you listen like a guy, you try to solve the problem."




"Because that's what we do. We wanna fix things."




"When you listen like a girl, you empathize."




"You just nod your head, and agree."




"You just smile and nod."



Look, nothing he's said so far is all that earth-shattering. And, again, I think it all goes back to that quote I included in the previous chapter. If Boston Rob or Tyson says this stuff, it's insightful. It's now a master class on how to negotiate with different people on Survivor. But because it's Dan Foley, and because Dan is a blowhard, the audience hates it.


"I think it's easy and satisfying to hate Dan. Just like it was easy and satisfying to root against Max. People are cast to be specific antagonists on Survivor, and the audience buys into it."



Then Dan gets to the last part of the quote, the part that riled everyone up....




"Yes, dear. I understand. You're right."



And all this makes me think is... I mean... it's clear that Dan has been married for a long time, ha ha. And comedians have been using "Yes dear, I understand, dear" as a comedy trope for like five hundred years.


 

And remember, Dan thinks he is out there doing comedy shtick



So anyway, the editors are setting a trap for Dan later in the season, and they are doing it by using his own confessionals. That's all they are doing here. That's exactly what they have done to blowhards like Dan for the past twenty years. They're not trying to make any greater point about how Dan is an asshole. What they're doing is setting up for you how this...




To win a woman over, you just say that you're sorry



Eventually leads to this...




I'd love to win you back, Dan. I'm sorry.




Thank you Mike. I needed that. I love you.




Winner



And I really think people fixate on this speech because they just don't want to like Dan.


"I've been interviewing Survivors for many years, and Dan Foley gave me my longest interview ever at over four hours. The man is an enigma."


Anyway, so Dan gives his thoughts on how to negotiate with women.




Which essentially boils down to "Just listen to what they say. Don't talk over them, listen."



And then we see him doing that exact same strategy, with Lindsey.

"We have to vote out Rodney, he's killing our tribe."




You're right. I totally agree.




So you agree that Rodney's the problem?





"I can't disagree with you, Lindsey. I really can't."



He does it by throwing in a Dan-ism, of course. One of my personal favorites too, "I can't disagree with you, I really can't." That's such a Dan Foley thing to say. But otherwise he's doing exactly what he claimed you should do in his/Tyson's/Boston Rob's confessional.

He's as subtle as Coach being told he's on camera, of course, but he's really not bad at it.




You know that I'm here for you

Thank you, Dan Foley. There's just something about you. You listen.

Good luck, little lady

And good luck to you, huge man



Although I can't resist pointing out THIS little Dan Foley slip-up. This one is sorta like Chris Daugherty with the whole little Chad/leg thing.




"Chad, I think both of you have a leg up on me."




Oh shitttttt, did I just say that?



Here's Dan also making a little word slip up.




"Rodney's my vote," says Lindsey, "He doesn't have morals."




"He has absolutely no respect for..."




"... for girls," says Dan, completing her sentence



Lindsey quickly corrects him.




"No respect for WOMEN," she points out
Ha ha. I just thought that was funny.




He really didn't listen to me



And with that, Dan solidifies his final alliance. Which, again, is likely much different than his alliance(s) were prior to actually having to vote somebody out. Prior to this, like all smart players, he was probably in tight with just about everyone.




This four here," says Rodney, "We are the four."




Dan is now part of the Tom Brady Brigade



"The Tom Brady Brigade", by the way, is probably just Rodney-code for "Dan decided to team up with the two most popular kids."




The real heart of the Blue Collars



And as a bonus, Rodney is part of it too.




Rodney



And I'm guessing this first vote really just came down to everyone wanting to split up Sierra and Lindsey.




Who appeared to be super, super tight with each other



So Dan goes to Tribal Council for the first time.

And it is here, at Tribal, that it is pointed out (probably correctly) that the Blue Collars are especially close to each other.




And that's not that surprising. That's what happens when you don't vote anyone out for a week and a half.




You all become super tight with each other.



And of course, at the end of the fourth episode we lose Lindsey.




*smuff*



And Dan, of course, he does Dan things.




Cue whatever his prepared little movie quote was




There's no crying in baseball, baaaaybeeeeee



And, you know, Dan should be on the top of the world at this point. I mean, he's part of a power alliance. He's in with Mike and Kelly, the two most popular kids. He's also on the most dominant tribe in the game, the seemingly unstoppable Blue Collars.

Plus they just split apart the power duo of Sierra and Lindsey.

How could Dan NOT be on top of the world here?

Plus, he just survived his first Tribal Council. Which is a superfan bucket list item.



Dan has no idea that Sierra being left out of the plans tonight is really going to hurt her feelings, on a personal level.




You guys, Lindsey was my friend



And that he's about to make things a hundred times worse, by being (as usual) epically, historically bad at certain parts of Survivor.




The reason your feelings are hurt is because you just suck








You really need to be thinking about OUR feelings, Sierra. This is rude.



And, well, that will be the next chapter in this entry.

Fasten your seatbelts for this next one.

It's Dan Foley and the Sierra Chronicles.




Oh just shoot me now



"I remember in one interview, Dan said something along the lines of "Life is filled with disappointment, so pull up your big boy boy Dankini and deal with it."
Please note that this quote was said about other people and not about Dan or his edit."









Continue on to The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - The Sierra Apologies

Back to The Funny 115 - The Third One