The Funny 115 - The Third One


The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - When You're Just Tyler's Play Toy




Felt cute, might blow my massive advantage later
"It's nice to see discussion of Dan amid all the hatred online. I don't love Dan, but I still see him as a full-fledged human being whose life is greater than his stint on Survivor. I think he was just absolutely blindsided by his portrayal on the show and the reaction of the audience to his portrayal, and now, he's constantly in defense mode. I think he does take things too far when he gets so aggressive on podcasts and in interviews, but I don't think it means he's the scum of the earth. He really just sounds hurt when he reacts so bitterly - as if he believes it's him against the world."



Before we get to the last few chapters of this entry, I wanted to first throw in one of the best quotes about Dan Foley of them all, from Tyler Fredrickson.

This is from two episodes down the road, in episode twelve. But I wanted to throw it in here, instead, because it so perfectly encapsulates everything that is going to happen in Dan in his final three episodes.

Seriously, this is literally Dan's ENTIRE story arc, the minute he decides that he and Mike are no longer friends.

Hit us with the quote, Tyler.

"I wouldn't call Dan extremely gullible, I'd just call him extremely loyal."

"And, you know, this game, they're kinda one and the same."



That's right. The minute that Dan breaks all ties with Mike (over Dan simply misreading Mike's motives, that's it), Dan officially becomes a free agent in this game.

For the first time ALL game, once he willingly splits off from Mike, he is officially now a man on his own.

I'm a free bitch, baby



And this, of course, is where we have to bring up the all-important subject of "perception" versus "reality."

Is Dan's future in this game black and blue, or is it white and gold?



See, "Dan is a free agent now" means entirely different things, depending on who in this game you are asking.

Oh please, you guys all know I'm a god



In Dan's mind, "Dan is a free agent now" probably means he considers himself especially dangerous now.

After all, without Mike in his way, blocking his path anymore, now he can go talk to whoever he wants. Now he can go align with whoever he chooses.

The path is now wide open for a sweet-talking wordsmith like Dan Foley.

Did you know I came up with the forty-three cent stamp? It's the most important stamp of them all.

Stamps are what bind the system together. They're like alliances.

You and I should have an alliance, Shanice



That's probably how Dan sees himself when you say "Dan is a free agent now." As a killer.

And that's probably NOT how everyone else sees it.

Everyone ELSE probably sees "Dan is a free agent now" more like this fun little moment from Galaxy Quest.

When the smarter players realize Mike doesn't offer you any protection anymore



And so here we go.

The last three episodes of Dan's story arc.

Where the better, more aggressive players all realize how easy Dan is to manipulate.

From here on out, it's basically all just one big gangbang.

Should I say that Mike hates the post office? Or Mike is jealous of Dan's little fat guy hat? Which one works best?

Dan would probably go into a rage if Mike made fun of Dan's mom




Alright, so that's what we'll go with today



Again, all anyone has to do to gain Dan's loyalty at this point is just talk about how horrible Mike is.

That's all it takes.

Watch how easy it is.
"Hey Mario, there's a great interview with Dan out there, where he claims he was okay with his exit because he played on his own terms, and he wasn't manipulated by anyone. Unlike Rodney, of course, who Dan claims was always hustled by Mike. This is why I love listening to Dan interviews."



Okay, so it's the morning after the big Jenn vote.

And after his official break with Mike Holloway.

And free agent Dan Foley is feeling pretty good about his new place in the game.

Being part of the good guys is fun



After all, there are six people in his majority alliance now. And only eight people left in the game.

Which means, from a pure numbers perspective, Dan is now considered one of the favorites.

The six popular kids left in the game. Basically everyone but Mike and Shirin.



And episode eleven starts, of course, with everyone just sitting around and talking shit about Mike Holloway.

I can't believe Mike still has the gall to try to manipulate everyone.



Why?

Well because this is how you ensure Dan is going to stay loyal to you. That's why.

This is just what you do.

"He freaking flipped. I can't believe it, Dan. He freaking flipped on you."

I know. It was terrible.

"You almost feel bad for Mike. He seems so desperate now."

"I DO feel bad for him."

It's too bad Mike turned into a such a big villain. I feel horrible about it.

I do too. But he just. Believes he's the good guy. So passionately.

"So completely."



I mean, I don't know what more I can say about this.

Other than, you can kiiiiiiiiinda guess why Dan might have had a problem with the edit when he started watching the episodes.

Hi, I'm the hero from Texas, and this here is my idiot sidekick

Dan watching at home



So the Special Six just sit around all morning, and they talk shit about Mike.

I heard Mike even took credit for inventing the forty-three cent stamp

No way!



And then we get this confessional from Dan.

Which, as you can guess, is just the editors setting him up for his fall.

Note: The editors absolutely murder Dan in this episode. Just watch for it.

"When Mike blew up at camp, he lost everybody's trust."

"Mike can say that Sierra and I are at the bottom of the alliance."



And Mike did indeed say that.

In his speech to Dan right before the big Jenn vote.

Those other four don't want you, Dan. They're only using you.




You and Sierra are only a number to them



Back to the confessional...

"Mike can SAY that Sierra and I are at the bottom of the alliance."

"Does it make it true?"

"No!"

"I do not believe that I am at the bottom of my alliance."



Narrator: Dan was at the bottom of his alliance.

"I know it looks like I'm playing a passive game."

"That doesn't mean I don't have schemes brewin'."
"You know what, THIS is what bugs me about Dan Foley. He wanted to be a memorable character, but even as the recipient of a huge new advantage in the game he played a safe and boring path to a mid-jury spot with no noteworthy moves. What a fucking waste of a casting spot."



So anyway, there's the famous "I'm not at the bottom of my alliance, Mike was completely wrong about that!" confessional. Which, uh, yeah. You pretty much know why a confessional like that shows up in an episode.

It's there for a reason.

Also, Dan, please close your thighs, honey



The editors are also sure to include lots of shots of Dan in this episode...

With his mouth hanging open whenever someone is talking to him

Dan, do you know what splitting the vote is? Mike said he wanted to do it to you.




Or yawning.

This game is so easy for me



And now we go to a moment where the editors are REALLY going to murder poor Dan.

The "cheering up Shirin" scene.

You know, Shanice, I too, know a lot about Cagayan



Okay, before we get to this scene (which is actually a pretty nice moment, at least until the editors fuck with it), let's give a little backstory as to why it goes down.

So last night at Tribal Council, Shirin complained about the way that Will treated her

She says she has domestic violence in her past, and she is angry that no one stuck up for her

In fact, she specifically calls out everyone but Mike for not helping her out



And that's all well and good. She had every right to do that.

No one in camp DID stick up for her.

Except here is the problem.

Dan never even had a chance to stick up or not stick up for her. Dan wasn't even there.



And this, I'm guessing, is why Dan finally sits down with Shirin by the fire.




I'm guessing this is the FIRST time Dan has actually had a chance to talk to her since he finally heard about the Will incident. In fact, it's possible he never even HEARD about the Will incident until last night at Tribal Council. It's possible that was the first time he was ever even aware that it happened.

Jeez, I leave camp for one hour, and everyone goes nuts



And again, keep in mind that Dan and Shirin weren't as big of enemies as it appears in the episodes. As I keep quoting from that person who knows both of them, he was really only ever about tenth on her shit list.

Dan is literally the ONLY person we see (other than Mike) actually go try to console her.

Never forget that.

So Shirin is sitting all alone by the fire, and she is crying

And here comes her fellow superfan, The Danimal

"Are you okay?" he asks

If you aren't, then let's gab about it, girlfriend



And here is the thing that has always bugged me about the way the audience reacted to this scene.

You can hate Dan all you want. You can think he's the biggest scumbag on earth. Or the douchiest villain. In fact, a lot of people still do.

But if there is ONE thing you know about Dan Foley, it's that he is terrible at lying to people. He is a terrible Survivor player.

And most of that is because he is inappropriately honest.

"It's because you're terrible at everything, Sierra. That's why we lose."



Because Dan is so brutally honest with people, and because he is such an emotional guy, that's why I'm sure EVERYTHING he says in the following scene is coming right from his heart.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"What Will did to me? That's assault. He verbally assaulted me."

"He personally attacked me."

"And he used his personal history against me."

"I don't know what's missing in his brain that he doesn't realize he's personally attacking a human being."

"Like, are you just really that dumb? Or that cruel?"

"And I think he's actually just that stupid."



So Shirin lays her heart out to Dan.

And again, she wouldn't say this to someone she didn't trust. At least, trusted a little bit.

She wouldn't say this to Rodney.

Yeah that sucks, baby doll. Did I ever tell you you look cute in that top?



But she lays it all out there to Dan.

I'm guessing because she knows that Dan is so sensitive.

He is one of the rare people in this game who probably gets this



And here we have an actual nice moment between two big Survivor fans.

A moment that can actually bring a tear to your eye.

Buried in Worlds Apart, of all seasons!

Dan takes it all in for a second



Then he turns and looks over at her.




And he gives her the one thing no one else in the game has ever given her.

An apology.

"For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about what happened last night at Tribal."

"I really am."



Shirin follows up with...

"Sorry about what part of it?"



Dan hears this.

And they both laugh.




And his response is so beautiful that I can't believe it actually came from Dan Foley.

"Sorry about the part that brought tears to your eyes."



And again, the apology.

For something he wasn't even a part of in the first place.

"I had no idea."

"I'm sorry. I really am. I mean that."



This, to me, is one of the standout scenes in Worlds Apart. Because there is REAL emotion here. And Survivor doesn't GET real emotion very much in its episodes anymore. This is one of those rare times you see two people actually sharing an emotional moment in an episode of modern Survivor.

Dan feels her pain in this scene. I know some people are going to argue with me on that, because they hate him, but I feel very strongly about it.

Dan means everything he is saying to her.

And I think Shirin can feel that.

I love the part where they laugh with each other



And thennnnnnnn...

The editors are going to shit all over this beautiful moment...

By inserting this confessional.




The Shirin is a drama queen confessional



Which I'm guessing was filmed earlier in the morning, before he had even talked to Shirin.

Remember how I said they absolutely murder Dan in this episode?

This is how you do that.

"So, at Tribal Council, one of the things that came up was the blowout between Shirin and Will."

"Apparently there is violence in her history."

"If that's the case, I feel very bad for her."





"However... that being said..."



Oh shit. Here we go again.

Back on the Dan Train.

Leaving full speed from Dan Station.
"Here's the Dan Foley moment I always remember. I remember the moment where he felt sorry for Shirin, and then proceeded to pause before saying "However" and then completely negating the nice thing he just said. Such a classic Dan moment."

"Shirin is a drama queen. She is a two faced liar."

"She loooooooves to play the victim."

"For Shirin to say that Will is worse than her?"

"That's hypocritical."



Now, if you're reading this, you're probably wondering why I have a problem that the editors would insert this confessional right here. I mean, that's what Dan really said, right? He said that Shirin was a liar and a hypocrite. It's not like they were putting words in his mouth. He really does say that.

"Shirin is a drama queen. She is a two faced liar."



The problem I have with this confessional is that we don't know WHEN Dan actually said it. Did he say it AFTER he walked up to apologize to her? Or did he say BEFORE he walked up to apologize to her? Because it kinda makes a difference where you place it in the episode.

Keep in mind we've already seen this particular confessional earlier in this episode

I know you didn't forget this earlier crotch shot



Now, there are two ways you can think about this confessional placed here.

Either Dan walked up to Shirin, apologized, had a nice moment with her, and they bonded as two goofy, dorky superfans who didn't really fit in. And then he went and cut a confessional, and he shit all over her.

OR...

He cut a confessional where he shit all over her. And then he decided to go talk to her. And he got her side. And then they bonded over their place in the game, and they shared a nice moment.

Remember, as viewers, WE DON'T KNOW IN WHICH ORDER THOSE TWO THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. All we can do, as viewers, is judge the scenes in the order that the editors presented them to us. As a storyline.

And I'm sorry. I don't buy the particular storyline in this case.

I don't personally think Dan would give that interview right after he had shared a nice moment with her. I just don't think human beings actually work like that. Especially not a particularly sensitive human being like Dan.

Does this look like someone who could bond with a person, and then immediately shit all over them?



Remember, just because that's the order that we see in the episode, that doesn't mean it's the order that it actually happened.

"Shirin sucks. But she's amazing."




"Shirin's amazing. But she sucks."



The same soundbyte can be played two different ways. Depending on what you want the storyline to be.
"Part of why I’m not a fan of Worlds Apart is because I feel so bad for Dan. I know he is asking for it somewhat, but he gets absolutely demolished by the editors. And I can’t help but feel bad when I watch it."



Anyway, yada yada yada, Dan continues to shit all over Shirin in his confessional.

"Did Will go overboard? From what I've heard, yes he did."

"But she's calling HIM names."

"When she has no gratitude or appreciation? I'd call that karma."



And anyway, that's why I have always had a problem with where the editors inserted this particular confessional.

They took one of the most legitimately nice moments we have ever seen, from the past twenty seasons of Survivor.

I feel horrible that Will actually put tears in your eyes



And smack dab in the middle, they inserted Dan calling her a liar and a crybaby.

Not to mention another zoom shot right up his crotch



And then, at the end, they showed him looking all douchy and smug about it.

Even though that is probably his legitimate smile



I'm sorry. I just don't buy the way it was presented in the episode.

I think this was a total Dan Foley character assassination job.

Thanks a lot, editors



Also, I should probably point out that Dan was FAR from the only Worlds Apart castmember who claimed that Shirin was an especially big drama queen. Pretty much EVERY single player said that after the game, at some point, in their interviews. The Cambodia players said it, as well. But of course Dan is the ONLY one we actually see bring up this very popular opinion in the episodes.

And the only time they show someone (him) saying it is right in the middle of his big apology to her.




I'm sorry, Shirin. You didn't deserve that.

Also, stop being a drama queen.



Which means, once again...

Thanks, editors



So anyway, that's that.

Let's move on to the episode eleven reward challenge.

"For today's reward, you guys will enjoy burgers."



As you can guess, this is going to be a very important motivator for the Danimal.

BURGERS?!

"Burgers with cheeeeeeeese. And baaaaaaacon."





Alllllllllllllllll the fixins!





"And for dessert? PIE."

"Ohhhhhhhhh! Piiiiiiiiiiiiiie!"



By the way, I love this little exchange.

"Pie? Now you're talkin'."



And you know it's coming, of course.

"Worth playing for?"

"OHHHH YEAHHHHH!!!!!"
"Hey Mario, I know you love Angelina as much as you love Dan Foley. Well if you ever watch David vs Goliath again, pay attention to what Angelina does at the start of every challenge. Jeff will ask "ready?", and every single time she will say "yes." Sometimes loud, sometimes under her breath, but every challenge. It's not exaggerated the way that Day plays it up for the cameras, but clearly the editors loved it just as much, because they almost always focus on her. Dan and Angelina, two of the greats who will never pass up a chance to respond to a Jeff Probst rhetorical question."

Also, did I tell you guys I got rice?



Okay, so let's go back to the competition for cheeseburgers.




Dan loves cheeseburgers so much that he helps propel his little band of misfits to a win.

WE DID IT!!

You better believe it, baby! BACON-!

-ATOR!



Although I can't resist pointing out that, in this challenge, we finally get to see another side of Dan Foley.

The backside



That's right. You've already seen his crotch plenty of times this season.

Never forget



This time we get to see the old poop chute.

Buttcrack showin' every damn day

Putting the ass in "audacity"



Anyway, Dan finally wins his beloved cheeseburgers.

The audacity voracity



Although there's a very interesting that happens at the end of this reward challenge.

This is something you might not remember being part of Dan's storyline, just because there were so many other things that were going on in the episodes. But it is definitely there.

And no, I'm not talking about his impression of Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien







What's the first thing Dan does at the end of the challenge?

He feels bad about it



He feels bad that he has won a bunch of rewards. and people like Rodney haven't won anything at all.

Again, Dan is one of the most sensitive people out there.

The more you start looking for it, it's pretty obvious.

"Why do you look sad right now, Dan?"

"It's a hot day, and you can't help but feel bad for the other four."

"Rodney's been on no rewards. I feel very bad right now."

"I'll get mine, Dan. Don't worry about it."

He still feel bad about it, though



I should also point out that Dan is one of the only players out there who almost always does this.

Tells the other side good job, you tried hard



And with THAT out of the way, let's get back to everyone else in the game playing Dan for a fool.

Like they pretty much always do.

We'll start with one of the best Dan puppeteers of them all, Mama C



Why are you so happy that Dan is going to be on the reward with you today, Carolyn?

"Because Dan has options in this game. He's a loose cannon."

"We want him to feel comfortable so that inkling to go back to Mike never crosses his mind."

"Being on a reward with him is a good place to make him feel comfortable."



That's right.

This ENTIRE next scene is everyone on the reward trip just shitting on Mike Holloway.

Just so they can trick Dan into never going back to him.

It's completely blatant, yet Dan will continue to fall for it every. single. goddamn. time. they start doing it.

Hey Dan, did you ever notice how Mike always took credit for your tribe?

I know, it was so weird

It's like he never actually respected you
From an interview with Tyler after the season:
"Mike always maintained the best move I ever made in the game was winning Dan over to my side. I desperately wanted Sierra to flip more than anyone but she drank Blue Kool-Aid and held true until the very end. But once Mike pulled Auction Gate all I needed to do with Dan was "nod and smile." He was pissed enough on his own... now I just needed to be his electric fence."



In any case, watch as the other three people on the reward...

Well okay, not Will. Will was a dead fish.



I mean, watch as the other two people on the reward...

Namely Tyler and Carolyn



Watch as Tyler and Carolyn completely mind-fuck Dan Foley for a while.
"It's too bad no one was perceptive enough to use Dan's personality against him throughout the season. Although I guess maybe Rodney did sorta, unwittingly. Mike tried to influence Dan many times, but he didn't pander to him/stroke his ego sufficiently for it to work. The only ones who really seemed to get how Dan operated were Tyler and Carolyn."

Woot woot, isn't being part of a family awesome, Dan?



So they start off on the yacht together.

And, obviously, the first thing they do is they all pound some cheeseburgers.

om nom nom nom nom



Dan loves his cheeseburger so much that, of course...

He nearly cries



Then they drink their little fruity drinks.




And I'm assuming that, at some point, there was pie.

I guess... we'll just tell Probst... that you, uh, ate it



And now, after dinner is done, here come the mindgames.

Tyler is so much better at Survivor than Dan is, it's almost not fair



Prepare for the carnage.

Who's the man, Dan Foley? You are.



First off, we get this confessional.

Which you know is the editors, again, setting Dan up for the kill.

"Now that Mike is on the outs? The fact that I got to hang out with these three made it even better."

"Because they are my alliance right now."



And this is where Tyler starts in on him.

"What snapped in Mike Holloway's brain to make him want to throw everyone under the bus?"

"And to want to team with Shirin?"



And now Carolyn helpfully pipes in with the assist.




To which Dan agrees that yes...

Mike indeed did go psycho crazy



Then Dan busts out with what I am assuming he thinks will be the title of this episode.




"We won today because of no Mike. There is NO MIKE IN TEAM!"



And then Tyler and Carolyn keep going with it.

You know, if we're smart, the four of us can get to the end

Yes, I would very much like to get to the end

With us

With us

And not Mike

No, Mike Holloway's a douche

Good



And of course here comes Tyler in a confessional, telling us exactly what he is doing to Dan.

"Dan doesn't get it. Mike was correct!"

"We were all going to target Mike!"



And of course the implied part of the whole thing.

Dan really IS on the bottom of the six now. He just doesn't realize it!



Dan has no idea what is going on here, of course.

He just continues to talk shit about Mike.

"Mike's teflon. He never takes the blame for anything."

I don't get how he gets away with the shit that he does

I know, it's weird, huh

I don't get it

Have you ever thought that maybe Mike Holloway is the devil?

You know, he really could be



And of course here comes more of Tyler in his confessional, absolutely murdering Dan.

"My goal is keep Dan focused on 'The Others.'"

"On 'The evil.'"

"The guys like Mike."

"The "flippers", who don't belong."

Hey Dan, did you notice how Mike flipped on you? And joined up with Shirin to get rid of you?

He really did flip on me, didn't he? What an asshole.



And man, this is honestly one of the most savage confessionals of the season.

The more I watch Worlds Apart, the more it surprises me that they didn't make Tyler into a much bigger character.

He really did have a lot of the best soundbytes.

"Dan should be worried right now, because he needs to be thinking further along in the game."

"All he can see is top six."

I'm here with my friends now, this is awesome!

"And that's a perfect place for his mind to stop."

Ha ha. I got pie.

"I LOVE the fact that Dan cannot see beyond top six."



And again, remember how I said the editors absolutely murder Dan in this episode?

This, once again, is how you do that.

Here's Dan being incredulous one last time that Mike could be such an idiot.

"Mike believes with ALL HIS HEART that the rest of you plotted against him!"

"And that Rodney turned on him!"

"I don't get it. I just don't get Mike's strategy."



Oh Dan.

Ohhhhhhh, The Danimal.

This endgame is going to be sooooo painful, isn't it?

"You know somethin', this boat is fitting. Just stay the course."

That's right, agrees Carolyn. Just stay the course.

It's the only smart way you can play



Oh, and also, Will Sims II was there.

Will laid there like a slug. It was his only defense.



And we finish the scene with this little coda from Dan.

Which is maybe my favorite Dan Foley quote of them all.

"The next immunity Mike loses..."

*breathes in sharply*

*puff!*

"Smell ya later!"
"Hey Mario, I'm glad you are shedding light on Dan. Many people disagree, but Dan is hilarious if you realize that the edit is just absolutely burying him, probably worse than anyone in the history of the show. No one else has ever had a storyline quite like his."



I like that quote, but I can actually think of ONE player in Survivor history who had a storyline kinda like Dan's.

But you have to go all the way back to Survivor: The Amazon.

Was it me? It was probably me.



No, Heidi. And stop jumping into my writeup. If I need you, I'll call you.

You can reach me at the Hamels Foundation. They have a couple of phones there.



Thank you, I'll remember that.

No, the person I am talking about is Matthew Von Ertfelda.

The oblivious one



I know Dan is going to hate this if he ever actually reads this entry (sorry Dan!), but I sorta have to point out the obvious. The parallels are just too fun to overlook.

Remember THIS fun little storyline?

"Every morning I give Matt a debriefing on the wild goose chases I want him to work on for the day."

"Just to keep his mind busy."

"So he doesn't really have any chance to figure out what's actually going on."

You know, I heard Butch was having a passionate love affair with Deena. You might want to check into that.

I WILL! THANKS, ROB!

And also, Christy has been acting awfully suspicious this morning. I think she and Jenna are secretly friends.

THEY PROBABLY ARE! LET ME LOOK INTO IT FOR YOU!



This is exactly what I see when I watch the last few episodes of Dan's storyline.

It's just Tyler dangling a bright shiny object in front of Dan's eyes. Again and again.

Just because he knows it is going to distract him.

Something tells me Mike is actually a No-Collar. You might want to check if he is actually an oil driller.

He does seem like the type who would make up a fake job

He's also secretly having an affair with Deena from Amazon

Well now you're just making names up. There was never a Deena on Amazon.

The audacity



And again, why the hell didn't Tyler get a bigger edit in Worlds Apart?

In my opinion, he was probably the most dangerous player in the game, at least once the Blue Collars all split apart.

Rodney was the one who got all the camera time, but Tyler was the one who was actually messing with everyone.

And Dan believes me every time. What the hell?



I hate to be mean... but you could take this exact quote from Amazon, word for word, maybe change one of the names in it, and it would fit Worlds Apart like a glove.

"Matthew has no idea that he's being played by myself. The guy is... uh... a complete idiot. And has no concept of what's going on in this game around him."



You could also use this one.

"I am taking my life into my hands with the amount of lies I am telling him, just to keep him happy."

When Dan reads this entry, and he realizes he was Matthew Von Frankenstein



So anyway, that's the fun little Amazon/Worlds Apart parallel I have always wanted to point out.

Again, just reason four hundred and forty-two why I think you should appreciate this season.

I can't believe that spaz actually outsmarted and outlasted me!

I can't believe that spaz didn't outsmart me, but still outlasted me!

As Dan himself would say, blood and damnation!



Oh yeah, and Tyler the Troublemaker is also responsible for THIS little flaw in Dan's game plan.

Alright, dude. I know you won this "massive advantage." What is it?

You know what I'll do? I'll just walk over there, and I'll look in his bag.




I bet he keeps it right at the top



So Tyler goes and he opens Dan's bag.




And he discovers Dan's secret advantage




"Dan has an extra vote. Great."



And again, because of Tyler, the secret is now officially out.




Looks like Dan gets an extra vote at some point




Well, that was easy



Okay, with that out of the way, let's get to the episode eleven immunity challenge.




Say it with me, my friends...

"You ready to get to today's immunity challenge?"

"Absolutely!"



Now, the name of the game in this particular challenge is DON'T let Mike or Shirin win immunity.

Because remember, it's six against two right now



If either Mike or Shirin win immunity today, that starts to make things really complicated if either Mike or Shirin also have a hidden immunity idol.

That could really fuck things up when the "Special Six" go up and vote.

And that's why it is ever so important today that....

Neither of these two people win immunity



And of course, because it's Survivor, you know the producers were excited to throw in a new "random" twist right here at this moment.

"Hey guys, guess what? New rule. Two people are winning immunity today."

"One man, and one woman. Deal with it."

I love that the superfans will ALWAYS have the biggest reaction shots

Also, this was always totally planned



And all of a sudden, the game doesn't become "don't let Mike or Shirin win today." The name of the game now becomes "Don't let Mike AND Shirin win today."

Because if both Mike AND Shirin win immunity today, that would obliterate the six.

And that would be a real shame for our storyline, wouldn't it?



So anyway, the challenge begins.

It's basically, hold on to this rolling bar for as long as you can



Dan, as is typical, has to make a big show of rubbing his hands together before he grabs his little bar.

Because of course he does.

HERE WE GO! THIS IS WHERE I END MIKE HOLLOWAY!



And Dan does pretty well in this challenge.

As you would expect from probably the strongest person in the game.

Must beat Mike! Must beat Mike!



He even gets this fun little exchange with Jeff Probst.

*struggling with his bar* Hurrrrr! Hurrrrrrrr! Hurrrrrrrrrrrrr!

"Dan! Trying to wrench it back up!"



And then, Dan Foley with the mic drop.

"Not trying. Succeeding."



I love Probst's little reaction to this.

*trying to think of a comeback to this*

*can't think of a comeback to this*

*realizing The Danimal just owned him*



And then, finally...

"Duly noted."



In any case, Dan tries as hard as he can.

But he just can't beat the evil, horrible, murdering infamous Mike.




Aw fuck it all, anyway




I can't believe Mike put all that extra weight in my bag. What an asshole.
And from here on out, once Dan is out of the challenge...




It becomes a game to see if anyone in the six can actually beat Mike



It turns out...

They cannot




You can't beat me, Special Six. For I've got the Lord on my side.




Go Mike Holloway!



And when Dan realizes he's now up against the team of Holloway and Christ.




THIS IS HORSESHIT!



Although we do get this fun little moment.

Of Dan practically willing Rodney into beating the Mike and Christ Dream Team.




"Dedication. Motivation. You've got it, baby."




"You want it more."




"He's twitchin', dude! He's twitchin'!"




This isn't how I wanted to spend my birthday, Rodney whines




"DIIIIIIIGGG, Rodney! DIIIIIIIIGGGGGG!!!!!!!"



But in the end, it doesn't matter.




Mike wins immunity




Well, that sucks




Why does Mike always get all the Jesus?



And with that, you can practically hear Dan go into full-blown "Rupert in Pearl Islands" mode.



*growling* So much rot. And DEATH!



But there is some good news for the six, at least.

The good news is... at least Shirin didn't win immunity on the women's side.




Carolyn won the women's necklace



So at least they can still all vote for Shirin tonight.




Miracle of miracles
And so here comes Shirin's last stand in Worlds Apart.

Time to get rid of the final Mike Holloway sidekick.



"You know what I realize the more that I watch it? The story of Worlds Apart is almost identical to an alternate version of Exile Island where Terry wins. Big American hero rubs everyone the wrong way, and finds himself alone against a group of heels who have to stick together whether they like it or not, because the dude just keeps winning immunity. If Mike falls just short of the finals, he probably looks even worse than Terry did in the edit, since Terry at least got some level of protection for being an Air Force pilot. Mike wouldn't have gotten that. Other than that, Worlds Apart is just an alternate retelling of Panama."



So this is Shirin's last day in the game.

She knows that it's coming, obviously.




Eighth place? This is exactly what happened to Jeremiah!



But we do get one final scene of her pleading to Dan.




If you teabag Will tonight, I promise I'll give you my jury vote



This is actually a pretty cute scene.

I have always liked it.




So Shirin comes up to make her final pitch to Lord of the Superfans
Dan knows what she's here for, of course.




And he laughs

"Alright," he says, laughing. "Go."




"I'll get straight to it," says Shirin




"Please do," replies Dan

"We're not exactly the type of people to mince words," he points out



And here is her pitch.




"You're all incredibly stupid to vote me out. I'm not a threat."




"Vote out Tyler instead. He's much more dangerous."

"You can vote me out any time you want to," she concludes, "I can't beat anyone."




And there. That's my pitch.



And you know what?

Everything she said was probably a hundred percent correct.

Tyler WAS probably the most dangerous one at this point.




No way, protests Tyler. It's Mike Holloway!



And here we get Dan's overly-detailed, overly-dramatic, and... as always... overly-enunciated response.




"Nah."



Just kidding. Dan would never be that concise with his answers.

Instead, he's going to treat his fellow superfan to a shakwaria.




"I AGREE with you."





"I agree with EVERY..."



 
"...SINGLE..."




"... THING..."




"You're SAYing."



Here's another fun thing about grabbing Dan screencaps, by the way.

He looks like he's angry in this shot.




FUCK YOU SHIRIN, GO ROAST IN HELL



But he's not.
 
That's not angry Dan. That's just overly-enunciating Dan.




It's good to be straTEEEEEEEEEEEEEgic out here. You have to have STRAAAAAAAAAtegy.




I wish we could somehow both make it to the FAAAAAAAAAAAmily visit



In any case, Dan points out that he COULD save Shirin tonight. But he won't.

Because doing so wouldn't be strategy.

To which Shirin replies... simply...




"If you were truly strategic, you'd find a way to not vote me out."



I love that answer from her, by the way. It's so blunt.




Don't be a tool, Dan. I don't threaten anyone.



And here's Dan's wonderful reaction to Shirin suggesting she knows Survivor strategy better than he does.

Cause you KNOW the Lord of the Superfans isn't going to like hearing that.




Annnnnd he doesn't




I know strategy better than you do, Dan. I played in an ORG once.




Oh no




You sweet summer child




Oh no, you just didn't



God, I love grabbing Dan Foley screencaps.




Sit and spin, Shanini. Shut your mouth, close your eyes, and just watch.



 In any case, Shirin's final pitch to him doesn't go very far.

Although we do get this pair of glorious, dueling confessionals.




"Because he doesn't like me, he's going to vote me out. Instead of voting out the threats."




"Dan, you are being STUPID!"




"Open your eyes, bro!"



And then the Senate yields the floor to the viking from Maine.




"In a dream scenario? Of COURSE I'd love to sit next to Shirin in the finals."




"Who wouldn't?"




"Nobody LIIIIIIKES her!"



And then here comes one last pitch for Dan's vote.

As Mike rises up from the depths of hell just hours before Tribal Council...




You know what feeling's awesome, Dan? When I stop delivery on my mail.




The audacity



And he dares to speak strategy with the Danimal.




"You go to the end against Tyler, Dan, and you lose. Do you get that?"




"I know! I don't disagree with that!"




Well then why the fuck are you doing it?



Okay, Mike doesn't actually say that. Mike is a good, Christian man. He doesn't swear like a sailor.

But he does make this perfectly good point.




"You'd get a lot of brownie points with the jury by taking out Tyler tonight."




The jury likes people who are proactive, Dan



To which Dan replies.... basically...




I AM proactive




I'm GOING to be proactive




I'm GOING to make some moves in this game, you just haven't seen them yet



Here are his actual words, by the way.

If you'd like to hear the Danimal's thought process.




"If I made it to the end, I obviously made enough moves to get there."




"And then, I could just point out all the moves I've done along the way."





Which is basically no moves




I don't disagree with that!



So... anyway...




Well, good luck Dan. Enjoy either third or sixth place.



And then we get this final, disappointed confessional from Mike.




"There was a time in this game, when I would have said Dan is my strongest ally."




The glory days




The before times




"But I screwed up."



And here is the most poignant quote of them all.

And, I'd argue, also the heart of this season.




"I wish there was a way that I could convince him of how loyal I truly am to him.




"But Dan is unwilling to give me a chance."



And again, if you want to finally tie this back to the Tale of Dan Foley basically being a retelling of the Monkey's Paw, here you go.

Here's where it alllll falls together as a Greek Tragedy.




The only reason Mike pulled that stunt with the letter...




... was because he was trying to get some kind of protection against the Rodney coup




He was trying to keep Mike, Sierra, and Dan in this game




Mike even explained that to Dan



Mike and Dan were never actually enemies in this game.

Dan just believed that they were.




You broke my heart, Mike Holloway



And to be honest, it's actually kind of sad the more that you think about it.




Just a week or so ago...




They were blood brothers



And with that, Mike gives one final summation of what he now thinks of The Danimal.




"It's sad that you put your faith and trust in someone, and they turn out being a lot different than you thought they were."




"Now I see what kind of person he truly is."



And with that, it's time to vote out Shirin.




*smuff*




"If Dan is ever invited back, if it is possible to make him look like more of a blubbering delusional idiot, then they will. But I'm sure he will want to come back and be the Rupert 2.0 superfan that he thought he was going to be the first time. Hey, he wanted to be memorable. He got his wish. Hopefully enough time goes by before the next All-Star season, or they do another fan vote season, that he won't even be considered. If Dan Foley ever came back and played Survivor again, I would honestly stop watching the show. That's how much I can't stand him."



And so anyway, that's the story of how Shirin was finally voted out of the game.




Oh well, could be worse. At least I wasn't on One World.



But wait.

You didn't think I was done with this chapter yet, did you?

There's ONE glorious Dan moment in this episode we still have to bring up!




I'm adopted. So I was also domestically abused.




I am, essentially, Shirin



Dan doesn't actually say that, of course. But it's how everyone remembers it.




When Will yelled at her, it was like he was yelling at me




I feel like Will Sims II assaulted me




Yeah whatever, The Danimal



Again, Dan doesn't actually say that.

But let's take a look at what he DOES say.

Just because I don't feel you've had enough cringe in your day today.




So we're at Tribal Council



And the incident where Will yelled at Shirin has come up again.




"And Shirin, you were telling everyone how much that moment was hurtful to you."




"You were explaining to everyone why you have no family."



Shirin affirms that, yes...




"Trust is very hard to come by in my life."




"Who I will share this experience with back home is fundamentally different from what everyone else has."



And Dan disagrees with this comment by softly shaking his head.




Nuh-uh



Jeff sees Dan disagreeing with this, and he questions him on it.




"Dan, you're saying no it's not true?"




Great, here comes another shalingua



And here is Dan's response, word for word...

At least, the way it is shown in the episode.




"I don't want to take anything away from Shirin, but I'm an adopted child."




"All I have for blood in this world is my mother."




"I've got my adopted family. I've got my wife, and her friends..."



And so far, he is absolutely correct. As a direct response to "Shirin has no family to share this with," everything he is saying is actually perfectly accurate.

It might not be the best TIMING to try to shoehorn his whole life story in right about now...

But when has Dan ever NOT taken the bait in knowing not to talk when he shouldn't?




You guys ready to compete today?




Absolutely!




And also, my dad didn't love me



That's Dan. That's who he is.

He likes the sound of his own voice. And he says way too much when he shouldn't.

That's exactly what makes him such a great comic relief character.





Hey Rodney, I was just thinking. I wonder if your mom is available on Craigslist.




Ha ha ha ha ha ha




Bro, I just met the guy. And I'm already sick of him.



So Dan speaks when he should know not to speak.

You can't really hate the guy for that. It's probably why they cast Dan Foley in the first place.

That's literally what he DOES.




When he says he also has no family at home, he is technically correct



But then he follows it up with this line.

And this is where he starts accidentally walking into a mine field.




"My scenario really isn't much different from hers."



Ohhhhh Dan.

Uh oh.

Watch out, buddy.




Even Mike rolls his eyes at this point. Be careful, The Danimal.



Sure enough, like a cat, Probst is quick to pounce all over this.




"So you had domestic violence in your upbringing?"



Again, Dan never said he had domestic abuse in his background. He just said he also has no blood relatives he can share his experience with.

Probst just walked him into a trap.




Be careful how you answer this, Dan. You know that Twitter is watching.



Dan shouldn't reply to that.

But, of course, he does.

"I'm an adopted child."




"Dan, not to split hairs, but that's a very big difference."



Well no shit it's a big difference. But that's not what he was trying to say.

Dan realizes where this is going, and he quickly tries to back out of it.




"Not to take away from anything that happened."



And this is the part where Dan just gets absolutely buried by Jeff Probst.

Kind of unfairly, I should add.




"Jeff, I don't think people here really appreciate how wrong what Will did to me was."




"The fact of the matter is, he verbally assaulted me."

"He took my family situation, and really made light of it."


And here comes the line that I have always felt was unfair.




"And Dan, is that just the way it goes? When there's a million dollars on the line?"



This is where Jeff plants the idea in your head that Dan was the one who was bullying Shirin. When he wasn't. Dan never had anything to do with it.

Other than his answer two minutes ago when he was dumb enough to insert his own story about adoption into the whole thing.

That's the only time he ever had anything to do with the Will and Shirin story.



"Hey Mario, thought you would find this interesting. I listened to nearly every Dan Foley interview after the season ended, and there was only one time I've actually heard him own up to something dumb that he said on the show. It was the line about comparing his life to Shirin's. He says the reason he said that was because he made a parallel connection in his mind at the time, but the minute it came out of his mouth, he realized it made no freaking sense. So he quickly backtracked and walked his way out of the question. I don't think people have ever noticed that when they watch that scene. The minute that Probst says he is being an idiot, he immediately shuts up."



And yeah, here's that moment.

Probst tries to bait him into following up on it, and Dan immediately shuts up.




"And Dan, is that just the way it goes? When there's a million dollars on the line?"




"No. But I wasn't there when it all went down."



This is correct.

He wasn't.




"And I told her I was sorry that the whole thing had happened."




And he did.

We even saw it.




The one and only person, other than Mike, who actually apologized to her




Even though he wasn't even there when it happened



And honestly, that was the end of the whole big "Don't forget me, I was also domestically abused" Dan Foley moment.

It wasn't nearly as horrible as you remember it.




There is a second part to this scene, of course, although it doesn't really involve Dan




"But notice none of them are saying that what he did was wrong."




"And none of them are actually telling Will, like, maybe you should apologize for the things that you said."



This is true. No one actually does say that.

But I'd say at THIS point, that is more or less just the reality of a game like Survivor.




Will is sitting there, and Will isn't apologizing for shit



And that is exactly why...




Everyone wants to take Will Sims to the end, and destroy him in a jury vote



And this is where we go back to the point that I made in the last chapter.

Just because this is the bulk of Shirin's story




That doesn't mean it was the bulk of everyone else's story


And yes, that includes Dan's



And that's really the end of this scene.

Tribal Council goes on after that moment, of course.




"Dan, please write down a name tonight that starts with a T."

To which Tyler cleverly parries.




"Yeah because you've been so loyal to him, haven't you?"



Again, "Dan, don't forget. Mike Holloway is the devil."

It works every time.




Love you, T-Freddy




Love you more, D-Foley
And then Tyler mind-fucks Dan just a little bit more by repeating their mantra.




"You know what a great strategy is? Staying the course."




"People who are smart enough know how to do that."




"Stay the course."



Probst, of course, tries to butt in.

And he tries to stir up the game.




Orrrrrr you could all just make huge, crazy, reckless moves!




Because going out at six makes no sense!



And I love Dan's single-minded response to this.

He just can't get over the Mike thing.




"Yeah but this is all Mike's fault."




heh heh heh heh heh



And wiiiiiith that, we say our parting goodbyes.




"Mike and Shirin will say anything tonight not to face the consequences of their actions."




"Because that's what desperate people do."




Oh fuck off, Dan Dan the Superfan



And Shirin is voted out of the game.




With a smile



There's a whole crazy subplot in the middle here too, where Mike bluffs that he is going to play his idol. Just so the six will be forced to turn on each other when they go up and vote.

Just so they will reveal who is on the bottom of their six-man alliance.

And hey, guess what?




It turns out that bottom man...




... is Dan!



And again, this is where we need them to play that confessional from Tyler a second time.




"Dan doesn't get it. Mike was correct!"

"Dan really IS on the bottom of the six!"




"He just doesn't realize it!"



Anyway, Mike's bluff fails.

And Shirin goes home.

And the six-person alliance all applauds.




Is Dan applauding because Shirin went home?



Could be.

But he could also be applauding because...




They all stood strong against Mike and his little idol bluff




We did it. We all stayed the course. Nice try.




Oh well



Although Mike still points out... just because he knows those two votes will get under Dan's skin...








You're gonna have to do something about it now, you big bearded dumbass

I can't believe two of the six actually voted for me




The audacity



Oh, and I can't resist dispelling this little Worlds Apart trivia fact.



"You know what I hated about Dan? I hated how he and Rodney mocked Shirin right after she was voted out of the game. What a classless, disgusting, mean-spirited piece of shit. I can't stand that guy. What an asshole."





Yes, Rodney DID mock Shirin as she was voted out of the game. What an asshole.




But Dan didn't



And in Shirin's final words, she thinks those two votes probably marked the beginning of the end for her old fellow superfan, the Danimal.




"Dan is a sensitive guy. He does not like to be voted against."




"I have a feeling that tonight might have been a bit of a wake-up call for him."
And she's right.

Dan's storyline is only going to plummet down to earth now that it is six against Mike.




God damn you, Mike Holloway



Although surprisingly, Dan is actually NOT going to have the most embarrassing storyline in the following episode.

You'd think it is going to be all about him, but it's not.




See, I TOLD you I wasn't at the bottom of the six



Nope, the next episode (episode twelve) is all about the whiny little birthday boy.




Happy birthday, Hot Rod



"Hey Mario, imagine putting Dan in the same room as Coach and them talking about their childhoods. They would be arguing about which one of them had it worse within five minutes, as they were both adopted as an infant by a pack of wolves in Siberia who struggled paycheck to paycheck."










Continue on to The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - The Most Unhappy Birthday

Back to The Funny 115 - The Third One