The Funny 115 - The Third One


The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - Last Dan Standing




Felt cute, might start quoting the Grinch later
"The best part of that interview you referenced earlier was that Dan didn't just stop at not knowing Vecepia won. He also named Sandra, then Danni. And his reaction was basically "lol I still don't think they won." Good lord."



Okay, so we're in Dan's final episode now.

We're in episode thirteen of Survivor: Worlds Apart.




The season that broke Twitter



And now that we're down to the final six...

It's just about time for the Danimal's last stand.




It... uh... shain't go well



Now, when most people think about this particular episode, they tend to only remember one thing.

They tend to only remember the biggest advantage in the history of Survivor up to this point.
 
And that Dan somehow blows it




The audacity



And I'll grant you, Dan blowing the advantage is a really fun moment.

Ya knowwwwww Jeff, it comes back to a story of me and my friends blowing an advantage in Maine

You gotttttttta appreeeeeeeciate good advantages when you come by them




That's a fun moment, of course.

But I'd also argue that it's NOT the best thing about the final Dan Foley episode.

In fact, I'd argue it's not even in the top FIVE.

Oh boy



And this is where I need to point out the difference between me, researching the Funny 115, and the average Survivor fan, who just sits there and watches for strategy.

Here are the five things that -I- noticed the most, in one of the goofiest Survivor episodes of all time.

First off, Shirin is wearing a lobster shirt



I mean, where do you even GET a fucking lobster shirt?

And keep in mind, Shirin isn't even the one who grew up in Maine.

Dan is the one who grew up in lobster town.

Shanice, you don't even DESERVE that crustacean!



Secondly, I have to point out one of the single greatest pictures in Survivor history.

It comes from this episode.

And you can only snag it if you pause the episode juuuuuuust right at the start of the reward challenge.

And there it is



This is, without question, my all time favorite Dan Foley screencap. The Dan Foley running shot.

It's also the picture that led to a hundred great captions, when I posted it in my private Survivor group, and people started to comment on it.

Here are my favorites.

The six million dollar adoptee

Dan-senpai runs like an anime character

WE'VE GOT TO GET BACK ON THE RIGHT TRACK!

Mario, insert Dan into this one

Dan Foley 1984, now streaming on HBO Max



So in Dan's final episode, you have the Shirin lobster shirt, and you also have Dan running like a complete spaz.

But wait, THERE'S MORE!

You also get Dan with two giant melons



You also get him finally introducing his "audacity and unmitigated gall" catchphrase.

Like a lot of people, I incorrectly assumed, going into this entry, that those were words that Dan had been saying all throughout the season.

I mean, who thinks of "Dan Foley" and doesn't immediately then think of "the audacity"?

Mike Holloway is still alive? The audacity.



You'd THINK he says those phrases all the time in Worlds Apart, but he never actually does.

Dan never actually says "audacity" or "unmitigated gall" until this episode, his final one.

He introduces both phrases in this one, one of the greatest Dan Foley confessionals



Let's see, what else is awesome about Dan's final Survivor episode? I mean, other than the whole "blowing the single biggest advantage in Survivor history" thing?

Well, for starters, you know how, in other Funny 115 entries, I like to use the old Titanic line, "I want you to draw me like one of your French girls"?

Let's just say that, in THIS episode, Dan might be the Frenchiest French girl of them all.

Hair up, glasses off



And an even better shot of the trench than Luke once had at the Death Star.

Damn you, Galen Erso, for placing that flaw there



Oh yeah, we also get a confessional that is literally Dan just screaming at Mike.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!



We ALSO get... in this episode...

Dan making up a new word



And Dan and Mike having a cold war over the optimal way to start a fire.

HA! I GOT IT TO LIGHT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR JESUS, MIKE HOLLOWAY!



And finally, of course, because you can't spell irony without the letters "Dan Foley"...

We get this moment.

Where he compares Mike to a hairy, buffoonish, overly-confident ape



Yep, you heard that right.

Because if there was ever a player who was a big hairy doofus, and spoke way too much, and was overly confident, and talked down to people, and had a sense of power and Survivor mastery that he didn't really deserve...

It was Mike



Oh yeah, and I have to finish by pointing out that Dan's final episode ends in the only way a Dan Foley storyline could have possibly ended.

No, not the advantage thing.

I'm talking about the immunity thing.

His final act on Survivor is losing a one on one showdown with Mike




And with ALL that being pointed out ahead of time, let's now walk through Dan's final Survivor episode.
"I love everything about Dan Foley being so delusional. He's a perfect character in the sense that EVERYTHING he says is not only wrong, but it's the exact opposite of what he was trying to say. And if he had any awareness of this at all, he'd be far more Phillip than Coach on the scale of intent vs. actuality. I just hope with time people can learn to enjoy how much the editors absolutely destroy him in Worlds Apart."
"I personally find Dan to be sort of repetitive as a character. Almost the same way as, as awesome as Dave Cruser is in China, you really don't want him to stick around for too long, because you'll eventually get tired of him. However, one of the things I enjoyed about my re-watch of Worlds Apart is the fact that Dan's edit isn't actually much of an exaggeration of the way he actually acts in his interviews. I feel like it would harder to mock Dan if he was more like John "I help breast cancer and AIDS victims in my spare time" Carroll. But he's not. He walks into that exact same persona in his interviews, and it makes him a perfect Survivor punching bag."
"Dan's last name is shared with the name of a catheterisation product. That's all I have to say on the matter."
"I'm not the biggest fan of Dan as a character (I don't know him as a person to have an opinion in that regard). But I AM sure that 95% of people apply to Survivor thinking they will be the hero of the season. Dan is just way more open about it than he probably should be."
"Reading this entry makes me think of an interesting question. Which Foley do you think more deserved to get thrown off the cell? Mick Foley or Dan?"



We start the thirteenth episode with Mike finally... FINALLY... being vulnerable at the next Tribal Council.

For probably the first time all game



For days, Mike has had a hidden immunity idol in his pocket.

And because he had that idol in his pocket, that meant he could never actually be voted out of Survivor.

And between that idol...

... and the fact that he never loses a single goddamn immunity challenge



... that means that Mike's Survivor storyline, up to this episode, has basically been this.

Ha ha, suck it Dan Foley




And suck it also, Rodney



But all of a sudden, going into the thirteenth episode, Mike doesn't have that protection anymore.

He wound up playing his idol last night, at the big Tyler vote.

So also suck it Tyler, I guess?



And because Mike doesn't have that idol anymore, this marks probably the FIRST time all game that he has actually been vulnerable.

He is now a million and ten percent vulnerable



And this is where we are as we open the episode.

Naturally, the episode opens with an overly-enunciated confessional from The Danimal.

"EVVVVVVERYYYYYBODDDDY wants Mike gone."



And why does evvvveryyybodddy want Mike gone?

"Because Mike has already proven that he is selfish."

"And that he is self centered."

"That idol gave him ONE free pass."

"And that's all he's gettin'."



So yeah, it's safe to say Dan isn't gonna add Mike back to his MySpace top eight friends list anytime soon.

"I have ZERO interest in working with Mike at this point."



And this is where we get the two of them engaging in their little pissing match over the best way to start a campfire.




I love this little scene. And I had actually forgotten all about it until I went back and I did my latest re-watch.

And it's so perfect that it happens right here in the storyline.

You know, Dan, a Blue Collar would know how to do that

The audacity



So anyway, here we go.

Here is an absolutely PERFECT summary of where Dan and Mike's relationship stands, as we head into Dan's final episode.

The scene opens with Dan trying to start up the Merica campfire

While Mike supervises

We also get this very fitting close up



And just WHY is this a very fitting close up?

Well because this is the point in the game where Dan has decided he's not going to bend over and take it from Mike anymore

Or so he thinks



So Dan is down on the ground.

And he is struggling, trying to get the fire started.








And of course, there's Mike, hovering over him.

Asking if Dan needs a man to come do it.

"If you want me to get in there, I will."



Dan keeps huffing...

And puffing...




And, fittingly, getting nothing but hot air



And Mike keeps on either needling him, or just being nice and trying to help.

You decide.

Here's Mike asking again



And then finally, much to everyone's surprise, Dan actually wins his first* little Mike showdown.


* second, I guess, if you count the time they both drew rocks

Dan's fire method worked!



To which Dan looks up at Mike, and he practically screams...

"HA! I WIN!"

"SEE???"



Anyway, I just thought that was a fun little moment.

Dan and Mike, engaging in one final dick measuring contest over who was the best.

Oh, and then Dan can't resist dropping the mic on him.




This is followed, of course, by another textbook Dan Foley confessional.

And I have to say, this next confessional has always been especially interesting to me. Because I think this is the first time all game, and maybe the ONLY time all game, where we get the REAL reason why Dan has always been so angry at Mike.

I've never thought it was actually over the letter thing at all.

I've always thought it was because Mike was able to swoop in and save the day every time

And Dan was never able to



So anyway, here comes what I think is the REAL reason Dan has always been so angry at Mike.

If you said "jealousy", I think you'd probably be correct.

"Mike, he HAS to be the hero."

"It's the fact that he's so arrogant. And he's so condescending."

"Well to HELL with Mike!"

"To HELL with his idol!"



And this is where Dan-o draws the final line in the sand.

"At the end of the day? I'm in a position of power."




"Because I have an advantage."

"The five of us are gonna take Mike out of this game."



And with that... it is now Wonder Dan powers activate.

We got this girlfriend. Let's get him.



Mike Holloway might be a devil.

But I will now be The Devil Slayer

I shall protect us, Lady Carolyn



And this is all well and good, of course...

WE'RE COMING AFTER YOU, HOLLOWAY!



But there's ONE part of the story that Dan might not be aware of yet.

The Carolyn part



Because...

Well...

That face you make when you know you gotta shoot Lennie in the back of the head



See, Carolyn immediately goes over to Mike, and she starts selling Dan out.




And again, why?

Why target Dan?

Is it because he's just this huge social game threat?

"He's got an extra vote at Tribal Council."

"We've gotta get rid of it."



And again, here's the key to decoding what everyone else in the game says about Dan. They never actually say that HE is a threat. They usually just say the extra VOTE is a threat. They rarely ever say "him." They almost always say "it."

I don't think they were worried about Dan as a player at all.

I know this is mean to say, but to the rest of the players in the game, he was likely just a gorilla who somehow got ahold of a gun.

We've got to get that gun away from him, before he actually shoots someone

I mean, he might actually shoot Will. And we all need Will.



And so here comes Carolyn Rivera, the Stingray.

Starting her crusade against Dan that extra vote in Dan's bag.

"It's an extra vote. That's what the advantage is. Tyler saw it."

Seriously? That is a googillion percent not cool.

"That's huge. Especially when the numbers are this low."

"That's a MASSIVE advantage."

"It is SO deadly."



And again, if you're wondering why Dan goes home at the end of this episode...

That's why.




Although I'm sure that, somewhere, Rodney took credit for it



Anyway, lets head to Dan's final reward challenge.




This one is gonna be fun today



This is basically the triathlon of Survivor challenges today.

In this one they get to run

And chop



And oh good. At the end...




They get to solve yet another Survivor word puzzle



Which, as we all know...

Dan Foley has historically struggled with



Oh yeah, and there's ONE more thing about this challenge that doesn't bode especially well for the Danimal.

If you're ever on Survivor: Worlds Apart, and if Rodney is ever a part of your team during a reward challenge

You're probably not winning any reward today



I'm not saying that having Rodney on your team is a curse.

I'm just saying he makes Stephenie LaGrossa look like she's a good luck charm.

The original Rodney



Anyway, let's get through all the usual formalities.

"You guys wanna know what you're playing for?"



And... whoa. Dan actually mixes it up in this episode.

For maybe the first time all season, he actually says something other than "absolutely" or "hell yeah."

"Definitely."



And holy shit. Maybe THAT'S why he goes home at the end of this episode.

It's because he broke the pattern and he actually said something new for a change.

"You guys wanna know what you're playing for?"

"Positootly!"



The lesson here can't be more obvious.

NEVER BREAK THE PATTERN, KIDS.

BREAKING THE PATTERN WILL NEVER END WELL FOR YOU!

"You guys wanna know what you're playing for?"

"You know what? No, Jeff. I think I'm good."

*smuff*



Anyway, here's the reward they will all be competing for today.

"Winning team gets a helicopter ride. Plus a surf and turf dinner."





"And if Rodney wins, he doesn't have to do the damn dishes tonight."

Sooooo... more dishes



And with that, we are ready to go.

Dan and his team of extreme height differences lines up on the starting line



And away they go!

vroom vroom



And, of course, Dan goes full berserker once they get to the chopping part.

THIS ROPE IS MIKE'S HEART!




THIS ROPE IS MIKE'S FACE!

THIS ROPE IS WILLY WONKA FOR LETTING ME GET STUCK IN THAT TUBE!



They eventually all get to the last part of the challenge...




The word puzzle



And naturally, this is where they're all fucked.

Is this even English? I don't think this is English.





Beats me



And... remember how I said earlier that episode thirteen is easily one of the goofiest episodes of the season?

Well here is one of the reasons why I say that.

This is the episode with the longest word puzzle in Survivor history

Neither team can figure it out

It goes on for so long that Probst has to start giving them hints

"This is now officially the longest word puzzle in our history."

"There's a phrase that I keep trying to turn into a thing, but it never actually does. What is that phrase?"





"I say it all the time. Practically every season. What is it?"

"When you think Jeff Probst, you think one phrase. What do I say?"

Try "Women shouldn't win."

"No, think more specific than that."

"We planned the final four firemaking long before Ben." Try that.

"No, Ben's win was completely legit. Again, what do I SAY?"

"We had nothing to do with what happened to Zeke."

"Keep it up, Sierra, and I'm going to purple you. Again, what is my catchphrase?"

"We ran out of ideas ten years ago."



In any case, this is one of the most ridiculous scenes, in one of the most ridiculous seasons.

Which mean, naturally, it has always been one of my favorites.

I can't believe you guys don't know what I'm known for

"How do you spell Failed Talk Show? Is it F-A-I-L, or F-A-L-E?"

When you actually have to cheat off Dan and Rodney



And again, just to add to the legend of Dan Foley always being wrong about things...

At one point, Sierra ALMOST has the phrase right.




She's correct. The solution should actually contain the word "fixin'."





See? Right there. "Fixin'."



And Dan, of course, is always nearby.

To lend Sierra the moral support that she needs.

NO. BECAUSE YOU'RE WRONG, OKAY? SO SHUT UP.



That's right.

He shoots her down, bang bang.

Well thanks a lot, dipshit. I had it.

I DON'T DISAGREE WITH YOU!



And anyway, that's why they never actually solve the puzzle.

So thirty minutes goes by in the word scramble portion of the challenge. And still, no winner.



At one point, Dan even tries to invent a new word*.

*note: to be fair, fixin's isn't actually a word, either.

Dan pulls a word out of ancient Aramaic or something

SHAIN'T? What the hell is "SHAIN'T", Dan?!?

That's where you shit and you fart at the same time

That's "shart"!

AND WE DON'T DO THAT IN UTAH!

Well then maybe the problem is YOU



And so... the challenge continues...

How can I be a superfan and not know Jeff Probst's catchphrase?

"I say the same phrases over and over and over. Do you guys not listen to me?"

Try "Only say nice things about the show, or we'll take away all your media access."

"That's not funny."

"Your mother's a whore."

"No, Dan's the one who says that."

"I've been lying all these years. People don't really come up to me on the street."

"It's a simple phrase. It's something I say all the time."




"Erik gave individual immunity to Natalie."

"My god. There's a reason fans hate this cast, you know. Think harder. What do I SAY?"

"I don't know why we even cast any girls."



The challenge goes on for so long that Dan even has to clarify what one of the letters is.





Fuck if I know



To which Dan wonders...

Maybe these aren't even letters at all. Maybe they're numbers.

Bruh



And then my personal favorite moment of the challenge.

When Rodney finally pipes in with a suggestion



And when you suggest something that even DAN laughs at....

Yeah, I don't think so, Hot Rod. Nice try.



You realize why Rodney never actually won any rewards.

"I have never said "A reward that will fix wishin'." Again, what phrase am I KNOWN for?"

"Ciera voted out her mom!"



Anyway... so the challenge continues...




At one point, even God pipes in with a comment.

THINK FASTER, HUMANS

Oh, and also... go Mike!



So we're now an hour into the puzzle...

And no luck.

"This is now officially the longest word puzzle in our history."

Hmm

Crap

I really need to hold myself to a higher puzzle solving standard

"This is something. I say. Each and every day. Of my life. What is it?"

Try "Mark Burnett was a better producer."

"No. Think about it. What are you PLAYING for?"

"Make the biggest moves possible, and we'll invite you back to play again."

"Guys, this is really getting frustrating."

"We only pretend to be woke so we can get ratings."

"We ARE woke. And we didn't insert any extra footage later. So shut up."




"Dogs are forever in the pushup position."

"What the fuck? No! That's Mitch Hedberg!"

SWEET JESUS, YOU MORONS! I SAY THIS EVERY!

SINGLE DAY!

OF MY LIFE!

WHAT DO I SAY???

"Close your eyes and think of Zack Morris"?



And then... FINALLY... more than an hour into the challenge...

Probst finally tips someone off as to what the answer should be.

"What are you PLAYING for? What is it?"



And I have to be completely fair here.

The first person who realizes Probst is giving them the answer... is actually Rodney.




And hey, look at that! It's Hot Rod for the win!

Rodney is actually going on a reward today!!

It's finally Sunday funday, baby. Rippin' shots.



Although on second thought, no. Strike that thought. Reverse it.

Sierra immediately shoots down his idea.

"He could be saying it. But I'm not even listening to him."



And this is the closest Rodney will ever get to actually going on a reward.

So much for my dreams

I don't know. Maybe we need to line up the blocks on their SIDES.



And then, miracle of miracles, somebody actually realizes what the answer should be.

Don't worry, guys. I got this.



It only took about a hundred million thousand percent longer than anyone expected it would.

We did it! Carolyn figured it out!

MAMA C!

IS!

RIGHT!!!!!!!

Squee!



And this is how Dan fails, yet again, in another big word puzzle challenge.

Consarnit! If only we'd had Max Dawson to shove one of us aside.

You fools. "All The Fixin's" was even the name of my podcast.



And because this entry is designed to make you appreciate Dan Foley, and not simply make fun of the guy...

I have to point out this nice little moment at the end of the challenge.

So Rodney is sad, once again, that he didn't win a reward



And who is the one and only person to actually go over and console Rodney?

It's Dan Foley



So anyway, that's that.

Rodney, Sierra, and Dan lose Dan's final reward challenge.

And they all go back at camp.

Oh, and THIS is going to be fun

Because now we get to hear Rodney bitch about everything he hates for another four hours again

MIKE! NO BIRTHDAY! MIKE! I'M HUNGRY! MIKE! I MISS JOAQUIN! LINDSEY'S FACE TATTOO!

I WISH I WAS TOM BRADY!



This kid just wants to have everything in the world, Dan thinks...

The rapacity



In any case, in an effort to get away from Rodney, and his negative energy, Dan decides to go out for a walk.

Because maybe I can find some food

It sure would be nice to have some surf and turf like those reward guys



So he heads out to dig around in the greenery that surrounds camp.

With a, uh, hunting spear, for some reason



And lo and behold, he succeeds. He actually finds some new food.

"This looks like some kind of a fruit."



And this is where people forget that one of the last things Dan ever does in the game of Survivor...

Dan (center) with huge melons



... is he goes out a hero.

NEW FOOD? DAN FOLEY, I LOVE YOU!

My god, this is eye-rolling great. Dan Foley, you're the man.



For the first, and only, time all game... Dan actually becomes the Mike Holloway.

"Hell yeah."



Although...

And I have to be fair here, yet again.

As nice as this scene was, for the legacy of Dan.

It just as EASILY could have ended like this.

I don't know if these are poisonous or not, but I guess we'll find out!



Four months later...

"Survivor fans, please give. It's the only big move you should make."



Buuuuuuut that doesn't happen.

Dan is actually the hero this time.

And that's another thing, Sierra. You don't even eat my fruit right.



And because of the energy that Dan's melons have now given them...

That means they have the momentum to make one last run at Mike Holloway




"We gotta get that redneck outta this game."




"A hundred percent. Period. End of story."

"That scumbag's goin' down!"



And this is where we head off to the single most important immunity challenge of Survivor: Worlds Apart.

Because it's the first, and only time, that Mike is actually going to be vulnerable tonight.

"Mike cannot win the next immunity challenge."

"Period. End of story."

"End of discussion."



And because this is the Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley...

Well, you can pretty much guess what is going to happen.

MIKE WINS IMMUNITY AGAIN!

Motherfucker



Oh yeah, and one last time, just because he keeps doing this to us...

Keep your thighs closed please, The Danimal



And with that, let's head off to Dan's final immunity challenge.

Final 6, baby! Although it's really just five against Mike.

"You guys ready to get to today's immunity challenge?"



Note: Dan keeps mixing it up in this episode. Why does he suddenly start doing this?

"Absolutely!" "Definitely!"

Today you guys will be doing a gay little table maze

Like this

And don't worry, we already cleared that line with Zeke. It means happy.

Oh, and Mike's going to win anyway, so whatever

Yay! I like puzzles!

Anyway, you guys ready to compete?

MOST CERTAINLY!



Well then... in the words of MXC's Captain Tenneal...

Giiiiiiit it on



So the challenge starts.

And it quickly turns into a showdown between two people



And what I love about this is, this is EXACTLY the way that Dan's Monkey Paw Tale should have come to an end.

Sometimes Survivor just works out perfectly like that.

It turns into one final battle of Dan against Mike



Side note here: Remember way back, when I said that there were really only three major storylines in Worlds Apart? And that the Shirin one wasn't actually that significant in the overall picture? Even though that tends to be the only storyline that anyone remembers?

Well here's why I say that.

Dan loses this challenge




And the minute he loses, that's pretty much gg* for the rest of the season.

The minute Dan Foley falls in this challenge, Mike basically wraps up the win.

* gg = gamer talk for "good game." aka "the game is over."

You just won Worlds Apart, Mike Holloway

Bump it up top, girlfriend



And that's why I've always said that the three most important storylines in Worlds Apart are as follows. In order:

1. Mike Against Dan
2. Mike Against Rodney
3. Mike Against Everyone




Because once the BIGGEST storyline of the season finally comes to an end




Pretty quickly, all the smaller storylines also wrap up



So yeah...

Dan comes close to actually beating Mike Holloway.




Why do rudimentary physics hate me so much?

Why can't I be Ozzy?



But in the end, he fails.

The audacity



And because this season is so chock full of references to other, earlier Survivor events...

I have to point out that Dan's final challenge ALSO ends with an homage to an earlier Survivor event.




Really sounded kinda similar to this...




But at the end of the day, Mike wins immunity.

Yet again



And he thanks Jesus for giving him the strength.

Yet again

You're welcome, my child



And at this point, everyone else in the game realizes they're now just side characters in "The Mike Holloway Story."





What Rodney sees in his nightmares

The audacity



And with that, let's head back to camp.

And watch Dan go down in one last flaming ball of glory.

So they walk back to camp now, and Dan's PISSED



Oh yeah, and are you familiar with that old catchphrase from The Wide World of Sports, back in the late '70s? "The Thrill of Victory, and the Agony of Defeat"?

Well here's what "The Thrill of Victory" and "The Agony of Defeat" looks like when it comes to Survivor...

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE



And this is where we get the confessional I mentioned way back at the start of this chapter.

Where Dan just basically screams.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"



I love that moment. It's so perfectly Dan.

Because remember, Foley and Failure both start the same way.

"GOOD LORD! This guy is unBEATable!"

Mike lives another day. What the hell?



So Mike's not going to go home tonight. That much is obvious.

And in Dan's mind, that means the target should probably be Carolyn.

"Carolyn has kicked ass in the challenges. She's personable."

"She's also the lowest on the pecking order of the five."

"So... she's gotta go."



So Dan goes back to camp.

And he makes sure that everyone is on the same page tonight about voting out Carolyn.

"Carolyn tonight, right? We're all good with that?"



Everyone says that they are.

So far, easy peasy. Everyone says they're on board.



However, and here's the part that really fucks Dan, more than anything...

Dan is still holding that advantage.

And the other players don't like that advantage.

And Carolyn keeps trying to get rid of it

So she suggests to everyone that they aim for a bigger, hairier target tonight



And again, why Dan?

Is it because he's this huge threat?

It's because we gotta get it out of the game



Again, not "him." She rarely says "him." She almost always says, "We gotta get IT out of this game."

And this is why I've always felt that winning that rock draw was the single worst thing that ever could have happened to Dan Foley. In fact, I don't think Dan ever would have even been TARGETED if he hadn't won that rock draw. In an alternate version of Worlds Apart, they all just let him make it to end, because no one's ever really scared of him. And it's possible (against Will and Rodney), that he actually wins.

Maybe that advantage he won was REALLY the Monkey's Paw.

YES!! I JUST WON THREE WISHES!!

THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY END BADLY FOR ME!!



In any case, Carolyn and Mike try to get everyone on board with getting Dan Foley that advantage out of the game tonight.

"You can't let Dan, Will, and Rodney all get to the end, Sierra."

"If three goats get to the end, then we ALL lose."

The final three that everyone was worried about



Mike and Carolyn both try.

But sadly, no one is really on board with teaming up with Mike anymore.




Yeah whatever, Mike



And again, this is the part of Worlds Apart that has always baffled me. What the hell happened between Mike and Sierra that made her dislike him so much? We never actually see them having any sort of a falling out in the episodes. It's like she loves him one minute...







And then a few episodes later...




She wants nothing to do with him



And this is the problem when you take a player who is that important to the storyline as a whole (Sierra), and you completely purple her. We have no idea what her motivation is in any of these episodes. All we know is that she's suddenly on board with Tyler and Rodney and their whole "Axis of Evil", and that she doesn't want anything to do with Mike.

Why doesn't she want anything to do with Mike anymore?

Who knows!




The episodes will make you think it was all over the letter thing







But I doubt it was that simple.

There HAD to be other things.




And that's ANOTHER flaw. You don't explain your motivations in the episodes very well.




Yeah thanks, editors



So Carolyn and Mike are trying to stir up some anti-Dan sentiment around camp.




But no one is listening




Oh please Mike Holloway, stop talking



Also, I'm pretty sure that, at this point...




Will's dead



And this is where Mike decides, you know what? What the hell.

This anti-Dan propaganda isn't working with anyone. So why not just go fuck with The Danimal instead?

After all, maybe I can get him to do something dumb.




I mean, it's not like I'M actually going anywhere tonight. So why not?



And this is the scene that I imagine really, really, REALLY pissed off Dan when it happened in real time.




Mike goes to Dan one final time, and he just starts messing with him




"I can get rid of you tonight, Dan. Easily."

 






"It wouldn't be very hard, they all want you gone."



Again, he's trying to bait Dan into flying off into a rage.

Which... uh... Dan tends to do sometimes.




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!



And Mike keeps up the pressure on him.




"YOUR alliance is gunning for you."




Yeah, here's Will, gunning for him




"They're after you. What do YOU wanna do about it?"




"You're goin' home tonight unless I change something."



I love Dan's reaction to this, by the way.

Because as you can guess...

The best way to get on Dan's good side, is to suggest that Mike needs to swoop in and save him again.




Oh Mike Holloway, you small, sad, little man

So they stand there, and they argue for a while.




"I'm sorry, Mike. I don't believe you."




"You're giving me NOTHING!"




Ohhhhhhh, The Great Danimal doesn't believe me. Pity.



 And again, I think Dan is completely correct in his assessment here. He KNOWS that Rodney and Will are never going to turn on him. The three of them all plan to go to the end together. And I'm pretty sure (again, I have no idea for sure, thanks editors) he knows Sierra is never going to turn on him either. For some reason, Dan seems to think Sierra is a very loyal ally.




I don't know, maybe she is his cousin or something



Oh, and Dan also seems to think that Carolyn is a much more passive player than she actually is.




Don't worry, Grandma C, I'll protect you



So I think Dan is a hundred eighty thousand billion percent correct in his assessment here.

Mike is simply fucking with him right now.

And Dan knows it.




"How can I believe you?? They're not going to turn on me."




"Maybe, maybe not," says Mike. "Maybe everybody's lying to you."



And Dan with the definitive response to this.




"I. Don't. Believe. It."



And THIS is where we finally get the confessional that everyone remembers Dan Foley for.




The audacity confessional



And here's something I have always wanted to point out. I know I mentioned it before in this writeup, but it definitely bears repeating again.

You'd think Dan says "audacity" and "unmitigated gall" a LOT during Survivor: Worlds Apart. After all, those are the two phrases everyone tends to associate with him.

Well, those phrases, and also...




"I can't disagree with you."




"I'm just trying to be nice."




"ABSOLUUUTELY!"

"HELL YEAH!"



And, of course, the fifth one in the Dan Foley quinfecta...




"Hey Survivor world, look at my crotch."



"Audacity" and "Unmitigated gall" will always be the two biggest Dan Foley-isms, however.

And that's why it's fun to point out that this confessional, in episode thirteen, IS THE ONLY TIME HE EVER ACTUALLY USES EITHER OF THOSE TWO PHRASES during the season. In fact, he doesn't even say them until his final confessional.

And with that, let's get to Dan's most famous Survivor confessional.




This is right after Mike has offered to save him tonight, by the way



Take it away, Captain Over-The-Top.




"Mike has the auDACity..."




"The unMITIgated GALL..."




"To look at me and say, 'I can save you.'"




"I...I... have the power to save you."



And again, this is the greatest thing about Dan Foley.

Through his body language, he compares Mike to being a loud, overbearing gorilla. While Dan himself is sort of... a... loud... overbearing gorilla.

And this is why characters like Dan will always have a very prominent place on the Funny 115.




JUST WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE THE EDIT YOU GET IN THE EPISODES, MIKE HOLLOWAY!




YOU'RE GONNA SHIT YOUR PANTS WHEN YOU SEE WHAT THE EDITORS DO TO YOU!



This also leads to three of my favorite reader quotes.



"Dan is, like, the perfect Survivor character. Insisting that he was the hero of the story, and that they totally misrepresented him, fits his character so perfectly. It's like he served it right up to the producers on a silver platter."



"If Dan didn't take himself way too seriously, he wouldn't be as great of a character as he was. It's the Great Dan Foley Paradox."



"It's not so much the audacity as it is the unmitigated gall with Dan. That's his problem."



Oh yeah, and I should also add THIS fun little trivia fact about Dan's little "audacity and unmitigated gall" speech.




He stole it right from The Grinch



That's right.

A lot of people don't seem to realize this about Dan's most memorable confessional, but he's actually just quoting a movie. He's referencing Jim Carrey in The Grinch Who Stole Christmas.

Check it out.



















I didn't realize that Dan was out there quoting famous comedy movies for the longest time. In fact, I didn't find out that "audacity and unmitigated gall" was actually a Grinch quote until a couple of years after the season aired. A reader of mine who is more familiar with Christmas movies than I am actually had to point it out to me.

And once I realized that Dan was out there referencing movies in his confessionals, it started to put some of his quotes from earlier in the season into a different perspective.




Like the "Someone should slap Shirin, because she's hysterical" quote



Which, as I pointed out earlier...




I believe was Dan's attempt at referencing this scene from Airplane



And I'd be willing to bet, if you went back and you looked at the dozens and dozens of Dan confessionals that they DIDN'T use in the episodes, there are probably a bunch of other random, famous movie quotes floating around in there as well.

I'm guessing that's just what he did.




"You don't want the truth, Mike Holloway. You can't handle the truth."




RODNEY, DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE WORDS THAT ARE COMIN' OUT OF MY MOUTH?




"Hey Joe, that was a haiku."



I mean, let's not forget...

The very first thing Dan did, when he learned about his advantage...







... was he instantly compared it to a movie.




"It's like Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket!"



And this is why I've always felt that most Survivor fans just misinterpret Dan Foley.

Once you realize he was quoting famous movies all the time, it starts to put things more into perspective as to what he was actually doing out there. Again, remember, his only goal on Survivor was that he wanted to be the guy you remember.




"Trust me, you will NOT forget me."



At the end of the day, I think Dan was basically just doing what Jonny Fairplay was trying to do back in Pearl Islands.




Only instead of creating a brand by dropping a bunch of pro wrestling quotes




Dan was creating a brand by dropping famous movie quotes



And I never realized that until someone pointed out that "audacity" and "unmitigated gall" was actually a Grinch quote.




Oh, and I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that the infamous "Shirin is an idiot savant" line




Is a direct reference to a line Jerri once used in Heroes vs Villains



So anyway, that's story behind Dan's most famous Survivor confessional.

He didn't come up with the phrases "audacity" and "unmitigated gall."

Jim Carrey did.




Also, Dan Foley once tried to steal Christmas



So this is where Dan stands going into his final Tribal Council.

He knows that Mike is lying to him.

But he also knows that he has an advantage in his bag, and that the other players probably don't really LIKE that advantage.

And this is where he busts out yet another famous Dan Foley-ism.




"I'm running out of time to use my advantage."




"And I'd rather go down swingin'."




"Then stand there and watch the third strike go by me."



Note: This isn't technically a movie quote, but it's something that any kid who has ever played baseball has, at some point, heard from their coach. It's one of the oldest baseball coaching cliches in the book. DON'T JUST STAND THERE, FUCKING SWING THE BAT. I just wanted to point that out in case you've never played baseball before.

Oh, it also correlates to my dad's credo whenever he coached kids in basketball. YOU CAN'T SCORE IF YOU DON'T SHOOT. SHOOT THE BALL!




So Dan has decided he's going to play his advantage, even though he doesn't think that he needs to



And Mike, for his part, tells us what he thinks Dan's play is going to be tonight.




"Dan was not shaken at all when I talked to him."




"In fact, he was uppity."



Ha ha. I've always loved the bluntness of that line.

Because I'm guessing if there was one perfect word to describe Dan when you were playing against him...

It was uppity.




I'm offering to save you tonight, Dan




No



And this is where Mike spells out how Dan plans to get to the endgame.

And again, this is something that Tyler has said. It's something that Carolyn has said. It's something that pretty much everyone has pointed out about Dan in the previous two episodes. And now Mike is here in a confessional, repeating it too.




"Dan wants to be there at the end with Will and Rodney, because they're the only two people he can beat."




The vote Dan can probably win




"That's his only plan."



And this is where the fall of Dan Foley really happens.

In the very next scene.




Fun fact. This is also one of my favorite little moments of Worlds Apart. The famous "jump scare."



If you don't remember the moment where Mike pops out of nowhere and nearly gives Sierra a heart attack, I already wrote an entry about it much earlier in the countdown. Go read that entry. It's a cute little moment.




The moment Sierra produced an entire pantsload



Anyway, so Mike pops out of nowhere, and Sierra screams.

And Mike points out that Dan would be the perfect victim for everyone to target tonight.




(screaming in redneck) WE GOTTA VOTE OUT DAN FOLEY!



And WHY would Dan be the perfect person to target tonight?




"Because look at him," Mike explains.


"He's sleeping over there."




"That's code for I aint going nowhere tonight."




You don't sleep in the hours leading up to Tribal unless you feel perfectly safe
Again, keep in mind that Mike that KNOWS what Dan is going to do tonight. Mike can read Dan Foley like a book. He has always been able to.

Just go back and watch the first few episodes of the season again, and remind yourself how predictable Dan Foley is.




You need to go apologize to Sierra.




Consider it done. I'm really good at charming younger women.




Oh shit, I'm gonna have to apologize for Dan's apology, aren't I?



Dan was once Mike's very best friend in the game.




We're Blue Collars. We built this season together.



And for Dan... that former closeness now comes with a tremendous downside.




"I KNOW THE GUY!", screams Mike




"He knows he can only beat Rodney or Will. He's never going to vote for Rodney or Will."




"Dan is using his advantage on one of you two tonight, one million percent."



And Mike is correct.

If Dan is never going to vote for Rodney or Will, there is literally nobody else Dan can possibly vote for tonight.

Simple logic says it HAS to be either Sierra or Carolyn.




Unfortunately for Dan, Mike is a Survivor fan who understands basic math



And this is where Mike correctly predicts which one of them Dan is going to use his advantage on.




"I think it's you."



And again, it would have been nice to know where Sierra stood in all this. Or what her thoughts are on any of this. We're never going to hear from her at all. Other than this one, lonely confessional, earlier in the episode.




"Dan's unpredictable. You never know what Dan's gonna do."



We have NO idea what Sierra tends to think about any of this.

But that doesn't really matter at the end of the day, because we DO tend to know what Mama C thinks about this.




You can usually read it right there on her face



Oh, and Mama C also has a hidden immunity idol that Dan doesn't know about.




Ha ha. Gotcha, The Danimal.



And really, the player who puts an end to Dan Foley... isn't necessarily Mike.

It's also Carolyn.




I TOLD you Tyler wasn't the only real player out here

Dan never saw me coming, not even for a second




Also, guess I won't be needing that protection anymore



"Hey Mario, if you want a good laugh, go check out how many different times in interviews Dan points out that Carolyn never actually did anything, and that any legacy she had was completely invented. To this day, I'm not sure he even realizes that she completely outplayed him."



And so now we go to Tribal Council.

And this is where the storyline of smarter, more aggressive players all running circles around Dan Foley... finally comes to an end.




Episode thirteen



So we're at Tribal Council.

And Dan is feeling especially jovial tonight.







And he makes lots of animated, exaggerated Dan Foley faces, as usual.























And then they all walk up, and they vote.




It's over, Anakin. I have the high ground.



And then Jeff says...




"I'll go tally the votes."



And this is where Dan finally gets to play his advantage.

Which, again, is arguably the most powerful advantage anyone has ever held this late in the game.




Hang on there, little buckaroo, Dan announces



And this is where we get the second use of one of Dan's earlier catchphrases.




"I'd rather go down swingin', then stand there and watch strike three go by."



And voila.

Advantage!




'Scuse me while I whip this out



So Dan gets to walk over the ballot box, and... for one Tribal Council only... he gets to cast an extra vote.




This is very powerful, Dan. Don't fuck it up.



And you can guess what happens, of course.



He fucks it up




Carolyn, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say "YES"



Dan casts two votes out of the seven. He votes for Carolyn both times.

And they are both instantly nullified when she plays the idol he never even considered she might have.




"Anyone want to play an idol now?"




Yeah see ya, Dan. Thanks bye.




Well, crap. The audacity.
And this is why it would have been better...




If Dan would have understood basic math


(screaming in hoarse) YOU CAN'T PILE ALL YOUR VOTES ONTO ONE PERSON!




BETWEEN WILL, RODNEY, YOUR EXTRA VOTE, AND SIERRA,YOU GUYS HAD FIVE VOTES TO PLAY AROUND WITH!


THIS IS EXACTLY HOW WE FUCKED UP EARLIER AND THEY VOTED OUT KELLY!




Never forget




Oh yeah. I guess we did screw the exact same thing up earlier.




YOU'RE THE ONE WHO EVEN WARNED US NOT TO PILE VOTES ONTO PEOPLE!



And he's right.




Sixteen days ago. Dan rolls his eyes at Mike's "Let's stack all our votes onto Jenn tonight" plan.



So not only does Dan not understand basic math...




He also apparently doesn't remember recent history



"I'm a teacher, and after watching Worlds Apart, the takeaway I got is that maybe Dan should have gone into the sciences instead."



And with that, we end one of the most memorable storylines in the first thirty seasons of Survivor.




Well that was embarrassing




Oh well. At least now I can come back in Cambodia.




You probably will not




Well fuck you and the fan voting system you designed, Mike Holloway
Seconds later, we finally lose the Lord of the Superfans.




Smell ya later
Although he wouldn't be Dan Foley if he didn't also stand there just a moment longer than he needed to afterwards.

At at least appreciate the significance.




Those bastards finally smuffed out my torch




The audacity



And then he heads off on the Walk of Shame.




I NEED A CHEESEBURGER, STAT!



And then, here comes the biggest humiliation of all.

The Mainiest Survivor in the history of Maine...

Had to be voted out in front of Shirin...




While she was wearing a lobster shirt



And so that was the epic storyline of one of the biggest superfans in the history of Survivor.




"I had three goals from being on Survivor."




"Have fun."




"Be remembered."




"And hopefully win this game."




"As long as I did number one and two, I don't worry about the third."




"That's just the way it goes."




"Every day out here was a dream come true for me."




"I got no regrets."



Although don't worry, if you're sitting there still hoping for more Dan content.

Dan's storyline might be over. But this entry is not.

Because we still have QUITE a bit more to talk about when it comes to his epilogue.




Et tu, Holloway?



Sent in by one of Dan's real-life friends:
"I think Dan wants to believe that he is a good sport and can take all of the ribbing, but deep down inside I suspect that he still believes that he is right about everything that happened in and out of the game. And that is the beauty of Dan - he truly is one of the most authentic people I have ever encountered. A lot of people in the Survivor world accuse him of showboating and attention-seeking (two charges that I believe are thrown around far too frequently by Survivor fans), but I know otherwise. Dan is the same Dan you saw on TV and he always is, no matter the setting. The same way he spoke on the show he speaks to me on the phone or in person. All of the rhetorical flourishes, all of the laughter, all of the pregnant pauses - he is actually a really gifted raconteur, and I love our (far too infrequent) phone calls. He grabs everyone he meets in a giant bear hug and instantly and genuinely tries to befriend them. Dan Foley isn't fake at all. He is as real as a person can get."











Continue on to The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - The Bringer of Justice

Back to The Funny 115 - The Third One