The
Funny 115 - The Third One
The Monkey's Paw Tale
of Dan Foley - The Bringer of Justice
Felt cute, might bash my head through the voting table later
"Hey Mario,
enjoying the Dan Foley writeup. I know your thesis is that the Danimal
was a terrible Survivor player, but I'd like to present a little
different interpretation for you, and see what you think. My argument
is that Dan was actually quite good at what "Survivor" really is. Yes,
I know he didn't make it to the end. But the stuff that cost him at the
end (holding a poison-pill advantage, other people having unknown
hidden idols, etc.) are the things that really have nothing to do with
"Survivor" in the first place. Advantages and idols are simply the
obstacles that the producers throw in there to fuck everyone
up. On a pure social game, and purely having connections with people, I
think Dan had a pretty solid path to make it to the end. And against
Rodney, Will, or Carolyn, possibly even win a jury vote. And it made
sense for his storyline, of course, because Dan was such an old school
soul to begin with. Of COURSE he would be taken out by some
unnecessary idol and advantage shit. Anyway, just wanted to tell
you I am loving the writeup. Oh and for the record, no I am not
Dan Foley."
So anyway, we're at the end of the season now. The final five.
And our favorite U.S. postal employee is now out of the game.
You five will all die at my hand
And
even though you'd THINK Dan isn't going to get any more airtime at this
point in the season, you would actually be wrong about that.
Because
in a season where he has been playing characters, and doing shtick, and
trying to be memorable ALL season long, it's here in the jury that he
actually pulls out one of his most memorable Survivor characters of
them all.
That's right, Survivor fans. You know him, you love him.
It's the great Scottish juror, Angus MacAngry
Seriously, if you ever want to play a fun drinking game...
During
the Worlds Apart finale, take a drink every time we cut to
the jury, and there's Dan, still glaring daggers of death at Mike
Holloway.
Bonus points if he is also rolling his eyes
Because if you thought Dan hated Mike before...
"THE IMPUDENCE OF THAT OIL-DRILLING FOOL!"
That's NOTHING compared to how much it looks like he hates Mike NOW.
He even gives Mike the glare of death as Mike walks up to vote
The editors actually linger on him as he follows Mike with his eyes
You know, I could slip anthrax in that guy's mail and no one would even know
So anyway, this is Dan's personal hell now as a Survivor juror.
He hates Mike with the fire of the infidels
Yet Mike keeps wins immunity
And Mike keeps happy dancing
In fact, Mike is now safe from the vote again, for the fifth time in a row
BY THE GODS, CAN NO ONE OUT THERE DESTROY HIM?!?
And Dan can't do anything but just sit there, and watch Mike take over the narrative.
Oh, and he also has to do it next to Metrosexual Tyler
The greatest shirtless juror of them all
So this is the Danimal's whole storyline in the season finale.
Hey Dan-o, look, I won immunity again!
You know Jeff, this is really fun. It's really, really fun winning a game of Survivor.
In fact, one might even call me a "superfan."
Dinnae be telling yir havers, Mike Holloway!
Yer just a wee bairn.
Yer aff yer heid if ye think yer a superfan.
HEY YOU'RE IN THE JURY, ANGUS! NO TALKING!
Ha ha!
So anyway, that's Dan at the final five.
He's just Scottish
And angry
And he has to be Scottish and angry next to Barbie's plastic dream husband
And I mean, seriously, Dan...
How many times are we gonna look right up your crotch?
At this point, it's like we're watching the Dan Foley version of Basic Instinct.
The crotchacity
The unmitigated BALL
The IMPUBEDINCE!
Although, on the plus side, Dan DOES get to share a nice little bonding moment with Shirin right here.
When Sierra is voted out
But oops. We're not supposed to talk about him being friends with Shirin.
Forget I even mentioned that.
Besides, I was friends with Shirin MORE
God, I hate you
So that was the final five.
Let's move on to the final four.
Guess what? Mike wins immunity again.
There is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop Mike Holloway at this point.
All he keeps doing is winning, and happy dancing, and dominating.
Mike Holloway
And, of course, you know the first person they cut to, the minute the jury walks in.
And they all see Mike wearing that immunity necklace for the eighty-third time in a row.
Dan is so angry at life at this point, that he just can't even.
Oh, why didn't I just stay at the post office?
Why does God hate all the adopted ones?
And that light better not be reflecting off my bald head, that's just annoying
Dan actually has a lot of fun little juror moments at this Tribal Council.
Like the time he twirls his mustache like he's a fucking railroad baron
And the time he can't even bear to look at Mike anymore.
Look away, Marion! Don't look directly at it!
And then there's THIS fun little moment.
(screaming in redneck) "We're a dysfunctional family, Jeff!"
ARE YOU SHITTING ME??! A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY?!?
And this is where we get the full range of the Danimal's reactions.
OH!
HELL!
NO!
Followed, of course, by his beloved catchphrase...
For the love of God, somebody SLAP Mike!
All in all, it seems like it must really suck to be Dan Foley right now.
When your mom doesn't pack your favorite Lunchable
And, of course, the final four Tribal is the one that ends in a tie.
Two votes for Rodney. Two votes for Carolyn.
Tee hee, tee hee, Rodney. I snaked you.
And if you thought Dan would have an over the top reaction to Mike forcing a tie between Rodney and Carolyn...
Well guess what?
You were right.
OH MY GOD MIKE, YOU'RE SUCH AN ASSHOLE
THIS IS WHY I ALWAYS HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO SIERRA ABOUT YOU
Although I DO have to point out that this Tribal Council isn't all just anger, death glares, and Dantrums.
We also get this funny little moment right towards the end.
When Dan realizes that Rodney is going to have to make fire now
And Rodney hasn't lifted a finger to make fire in thirty-six days
Dan realizes what Mike just did to embarrass poor Rodney.
And he openly laughs about it
From one of Max Dawson's postgame interviews:
"I remember, after we all got back, everyone telling me that they had
desperately wanted to get to the end with Rodney (and Will) as Rodney was
the season's true irredeemable goat. Will lacked strategic acumen and
was largely uninterested in playing the game. But at least he was liked.
Rodney, on the other hand... I mean, Mike made him make fire specifically to
humiliate him in retaliation for his awful behavior. That should tell you a lot. There was a general consensus by the end that Rodney was just
awful and immature, and that Dan and Will would have made more
compelling jury cases based on being hard-working guys with families to
support."
And so here comes the downfall of the angriest birthday boy.
As the jury has to sit there and watch
For a very long time
By the way, here's the funny thing about this challenge.
People
always talk about the Cook Islands final four firemaking being so sad
and pathetic to watch. And when I say "people", of course, I also
include me. In fact, a few years ago, I even wrote one of my favorite Funny 115 entries about the Cook Islands firemaking tiebreaker, and how unintentionally hilarious it was.
Exhibit A in why firemaking is not a spectator sport
Well here's the thing.
The Cook Islands firemaking challenge took over an hour and a half.
But the Worlds Apart firemaking challenge took over an hour as well.
The Worlds Apart one wasn't actually that much better.
Rodney not knowing how a flint works
Neither Carolyn nor Rodney being able to do jack shit
Dan and Sierra totally checking out after an hour
Becky Lee continuing to go apeshit
At one point, the Danimal gets SO bored watching Carolyn and Rodney attempt to dry paint...
DAMN YOU MIKE HOLLOWAY, WHY DID YOU SUBJECT US TO THIS?
That he actually starts trying to help Rodney.
Like Coach, he instructs Rodney how to use flint, simply using his eyes
Like this?
Yes, like that. Pretend that you're shaving a Steak-Umm.
But I'm prime rib. I don't even like Steak-Umm.
I don't care. Just fuckin' do it.
I'm tired, and I want to go back.
And this is where I need to point out that Dan actually knows what he is talking about when it comes to starting a fire.
As we saw at the start of his last episode
So Dan almost WILLS Rodney right into the finals here.
Simply, I'm guessing, because he is bored.
And also, I'm guessing, because it's one last chance to stick it to Mike Holloway.
Thanks to Dan's instructions, Rodney actually gets the first flame
The peanut gallery erupts
I love that Dan isn't the only one who is shocked by this, by the way.
Hali and Jenn are also shocked that Rodney actually started a fire
And this is where we get one of the most Dantastic moments of them all.
Rodney desperately tries to hold his fire to a higher fire standard
And Dan screams out the very unfortunate line...
And if you don't think the editors were shitting themselves
laughing at the idea of Dan screaming "GET WOOD! GET WOOD!" as loud as
he can, I don't think you know the Survivor editors very well.
Rodney's got wood! RODNEY'S GOT WOOD!!
The was later named the greatest moment in Survivor history, according to Beavis and Butthead
Anyway, Rodney pops wood for a little while.
But eventually he loses.
Even Velma with her missing glasses can see that Carolyn is eventually going to win this one
And Carolyn does indeed win.
Well, fuck you again, Dan Foley
Mama see, mama burn
And this is how we wind up with our final two of Survivor: Worlds Apart.
And also, Will Sims II was there
It's not a finale that anyone is especially happy with.
Well crap
And this, of course, leads into the biggest Dan-against-Mike showdown of them all.
The final jury vote
Okay, so speaking of that, let's get to the final Tribal Council now.
Because there is a lot to unpack here.
Before
I get into Dan's final showdown with Mike, let me share a slew of more
quotes with you from readers of mine. And, also, quotes I randomly
pulled off Survivor message boards on the internet. Just because I want
you to see all the different interpretations of what people think about
Dan Foley, and of Worlds Apart.
As always, there are many
different viewpoints out there when it comes to these players, and this
season. Some of them nice, some of them not so nice.
As you can guess, this dichotomy was the main reason I was so interested in writing this entry.
"Dan's
glowering act during tribal councils was pretty dumb, and when he
started banging his head in the voting booth at the final vote it was another lame
attempt at, "remember me!" I was hoping he would put a mark on his face with that marker when he
was flopping around the voting booth in anguish."
"Everything Dan says and does is over the top and stupid. I love it."
"According
to his Survivor Oz interview, Dan was going to vote for Will if Mike
didn't apologize. And I've heard Tyler also planned to vote for Will,
but Will just had a bad jury performance. I don't think people realize
how close Will came to maybe winning that jury vote."
"From a Worlds Apart castmember:
As
Mario correctly points out, Dan was not reviled by his fellow cast
members. I'm not going to say he was loved, but he was definitely not
hated. And while Shirin had a legitimate beef with Will, everyone else
really liked him. Will handled the Shirin situation and its aftermath
in the worst possible way imaginable, but every other interaction I've
had with him has been characterized by decency. Mind you, this is
all based on people's experiences, and not the edit. Some people in the
cast had their opinions of Rodney, Will, and Dan changed by the edit."
"Dan is the worst. I didn't think anyone
would ever quite top Eliza practically hanging herself in the voting
booth during the Micronesia finale. Is it really that hard of
a
decision?? I wonder if Dan realized they could all hear him
out
there. That, his stupid jury speech, Mike pretending to make
amends, Dan wanting to get back up for more of the spotlight, banging
his head in the booth, and his faces when Mike came in with the
immunity necklace were just icing on the cake. Fuck Dan Foley."
"According to Dan, Jenn's speech about the jury being big crybabies was specifically directed at him."
"My thesis on the response to Worlds
Apart is that it came after we'd had years of the show trying to really
tone down the role of interpersonal conflict in the game and really
emphasize "strategy". You can see how there's this major shift in just
a couple years between Gabon, where the emotional and interpersonal
side plays a huge role, and Samoa and Heroes vs Villains, where we're beaten over the
head with the idea that "it shouldn't matter." And then we have
Redemption Island, where we get the David Murphy speech telling us
people "shouldn't be emotional."
They stopped showing us these fights
and conflicts in the episodes, and the show made it seem like they
were not what Survivor was
about, when in reality they were still pretty much the core of what
happens. And then it all just boiled over in Worlds Apart, when you had
a season where interpersonal
conflicts wind up playing a huge, unavoidable role in the endgame, and
you had to show it all to tell the story. The audience wasn't used to
seeing that on Survivor anymore, so they rebelled against it."
"Thank
God Mike won that shitshow at the end. Worlds Apart has got to be the
least redeemable season of all time. A season full of scumbag assholes,
and then the one nice guy who defended Shirin actually outlasts
everyone and becomes the winner at the end. It's the only season I
never want to watch again. Dan, Rodney, and Will were the worst. That
season is sooo bad."
From a postgame interview with Tyler Fredrickson:
"Dan
and I were roommates at Ponderosa, so we worked on our jury speeches together
over the course of two days. I asked him for help in coming up with
things to say, attacks to put everyone on their heels, and how to get
the best responses from the Final Three. One example he suggested was to give Will more
credit than he deserved, and then watch the other two scramble. In my final version, I wound up saying, "This
is the most important question you've ever been asked in your life,
Will: I've already got a 'W' written on my parchment. Gimme a reason to
write 'ill'." Of course this was after I began my speech with: "I'm so
happy we've made incredible relationships and will all be friends for
life... but I would much rather take that pen back there and stab it
into my eye than use it to write down any of your names." And to
Carolyn, I asked: "Why did you vote me out? And if you say it's because I was a
threat I'm going to walk over there and punch Jeff Probst in the neck."
Yeah... those things didn't make the final edit."
"I don't think Worlds Apart is a great season, but I don't think it's the worst either. It's nowhere
near as bad as it tends to be ranked online.
The Exile Island comparison you make in the entry is very apt, it
should be ranked nearly
identically. They are practically the exact same season. At the end of
the day, you can say what you want about Worlds Apart as a storyline,
but it's basically the last season that I can remember most of."
And with that, let's get to the final jury vote.
Please love us
So the jury walks in, for the last big interpersonal conflict in Worlds Apart.
And I love this first shot.
They're barely even seated, and Dan is already angry at them
And,
of course, as I mentioned much earlier in the entry, Jeff Probst really
REALLY loved this season as it was playing out in front of him.
It's something he told the cast right after the filming ended.
It's got so much DRAMA! And we love DRAMA!
So anyway, the finalists start talking.
I deserve to win this game, Jeff. A hundred million trillion percent.
And most of the next fifteen minutes is spent with the camera cutting over to Dan Foley.
And he's always looking incredibly angry.
Mike doesn't deserve to win even a hundred thousand million percent. The audacity.
In fact, here are my favorite Dan Foley reaction shots during the finale.
And you thought he wasn't going to be a major character in the story anymore.
EVEN WHEN YOU VOTE DAN OUT, YOU CAN'T SILENCE HIM.
When Carolyn takes all the credit for his blindside
When Mike claims that he played the game with honor
When Mike claims to be genuine
Rolling his eyes at Jenn's little speech
When Will does literally anything
And then these two reaction shots, which are actually both kind of sad.
When Mike says he has people who love him at home
And when Mike talks about the bond he once had with Dan
I know we had our differences. But I still love you, Dan Foley.
Oh my feels. The sincerity.
Dan
is going to be the seventh juror to speak. I personally think he should
have been last, because his storyline impacts the game more than
Shirin's does. But for purposes of TV, sure, why not, go with Shirin. I
mean, hers is the speech that everyone is going to remember tomorrow.
Oh hey Will. Let me list off my grievances.
But before we get to jurors number seven and eight, first we have to get through Jenn.
Jenn is the sixth juror to speak
Jenn gets up there, and she basically rips everyone in the jury a new asshole.
She calls them all big crybabies
And again, in most interviews, people claim she was mostly referring to Dan.
And I was totally right. You DON'T pee on a stingray injury, you big troglodyte.
Her gall is unmitigated
So Jenn finishes up her big tirade.
The Aristocrats!
And that means it is now time for the Danimal.
And Dan, of course, correctly reads the room after the Jenn speech.
And he asks...
"I have to follow THAT?"
And then here comes the big showdown.
Finally.
The one that has been brewing all season.
The showdown of the former best friends
Just like Lex and Boston Rob squaring off back in All-Stars...
Seriously Rob, I hope all your kids wind up being Yankees fans
It's time for the two biggest characters in the season to finally have it out with each other.
Mike Holloway, the Fallen Blue Collar
And Foley
Dan Foley
Missssster F
So Dan steps down to speak to the finalists.
And he's actually pretty giddy at first.
Yay! My turn!
Uh oh
He actually does the same move Miyagi does when he's about to heal Daniel-San
So I guess... let the healing begin?
And now Dan launches into his big speech.
And again, I can't
emphasize this next point enough... if you like Dan Foley, you're going
to LOVE this speech. Because it's so perfectly him. It's got the
pregnant pauses. The halting delivery. The Christopher Walken-esque
attempts at emphasis. The sense of pathos and drama. Like Dan's friend
said in that quote in the last chapter, he really is a gifted raconteur
when he wants to be. He knows how to tell a story, and he knows how to
make you listen.
This is exactly how the really good speechwriters write.
Don't ask what your country can do for you, ask yourself why you stabbed us all in the back
And on the flip side, if you don't like Dan Foley, you're going to fucking HATE this speech.
Again, because it's so perfectly him.
Shut your mouth, Mike. Open your ears. And just watch what happens.
So anyway, here is Dan Foley's jury speech.
In all its Dan Foley-ish glory.
Dan confronts the finalists of Worlds Apart. And also Will Sims.
"Mike."
*big sigh*
"Ohhhhhhhhh Mike."
*looks up, and prepares to pontificate*
"Colby Donaldson proved..."
"That just 'cause you win immunities..."
"Doesn't mean you get to win this game."
Note: I have no doubt the editors probably cut out about four or five minutes of Dan's little preamble here.
Because now The Danimal suddenly launches into his attack.
"Mike, you didn't CARE about the jury."
"All you cared about... "
"... was making it to the end."
"Well let me tell you, BROTHA."
"You DAMN WELL better care about us tonight."
"Cause there's no necklace to save your ass tonight."
Annnnnnnd.... hold for a minute afterwards.
Hold for applause.
And wrap it up with a simple, little...
"Thank you."
And there you have it. That's how you deliver a jury speech.
Even though, yes, I have no doubt the editors probably cut out about eighty percent of it.
"And in the twenty-FIFTH season of Survivor, here is the twenty-FIFTH lesson you didn't learn."
"You DON'T hit people in the head with a coconut."
Anyway, after his big speech, Dan goes back to his jury seat.
Comin' through. Move aside.
And in an unprecedented move in Survivor history, Mike actually asks if he can respond to him.
"Can I say one thing to Dan-o?"
Because as we all know, if there is ONE season where people will always respond to a rhetorical statement...
It is Worlds Apart.
"I bet that reward looks good."
YES. IT REALLY, REALLY DOES.
Oh my god shoot me
So Mike asks if he can responds to Dan telling him he damn well better care about the jury tonight.
To which Dan just glowers and listens
And here comes one of the greatest moments of dramatic irony I've ever seen in nearly twenty years of watching reality TV.
"My biggest regret in this game was losing your trust."
"I'm sorry."
Yep, it all goes back to that infamous scene from earlier in the season.
Where Dan pointed out how you negotiate with a man, and how you negotiate with a woman.
To win a woman over, you just say that you're sorry
That's literally ALL that Mike does to win The Danimal's jury vote.
He does EXACTLY what Dan explained you do when you want to win over a woman.
"What I did at the auction put a wedge between us, and I apologize."
"I was never able to repair what I did to you."
"I am truly sorry for that."
Mike even goes for the two-point conversion here, and he attempts the advanced apology.
"This goes beyond gameplay right now."
"I hope that you and I can be friends."
"I just wanted to say to everyone, publicly, that I apologize."
And does it work?
Of course it works.
YOU'RE FUCKING-A RIGHT IT WORKS, BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU FUCKING APOLOGIZE TO SOMEONE.
You don't do it like Dan does it
Oh, and Dan wouldn't be Dan if he didn't immediately then want to respond to this.
"Can I go back up there for a second?"
YESSSSSS! A REBUTTAL!!!!
So Dan walks back down to the glory position.
Comin' through. Move aside.
And here we go.
All over again.
Dan confronts the Worlds Apart finalists again. And also Will Sims.
And here comes the famous raconteur again.
Raconting(?) again at the top of his game.
"That is..."
"THE most genuine thing that you've
said to me."
"Since the auction."
"You have danced."
"You have skirted."
"You have dodged."
"What you did."
"THAT."
"FINALLY. "
"Was real."
"And for THAT..."
"I am grateful."
And this is actually a very sweet moment.
I know I'm joking about it, but this is honestly one of the nicest moments of the season.
Where Dan and Mike actually start to respect one another again.
After all that they've been through.
Mike actually tears up as Dan is saying this
"I'm HOPING."
"We can mend these fences."
Thanks, Dan
And then Dan immediately drops the pissed-off act.
And he instantly turns back into the good guy that everyone (except Jenn) kinda likes.
"To all of you... honestly... and
from the heart. Congratulations."
"Good luck."
And that's it.
That's Dan's storyline.
The minute he gets that apology from Mike, he goes right back to being BFFs with the guy.
I love you, The Danimal
That Mike Holloway. *sniff* He's just such a great guy.
Dan, remember. Mike's not a great guy, he's actually a....
Shut up Tyler. This is my entry.
Oh, sure, Dan might be a little dramatic as he goes up to cast his final "Mike" vote.
And he might bang his head on the table first, just for added effect.
But you know...
He wouldn't be Dan Foley if he wasn't being overly dramatic.
And that's why he will always be one of the single greatest Survivor characters of all time.
P.S. Oh yeah, and as for how horrible he supposedly was to Shirin...
Who's the guy who helps Shirin back up to her seat right after she rips Will apart?
It's Dan Foley
Nice speech. Put 'er there, fellow superfan.
And this is where I'll end the story of the infamous Danimal.
With the words of a reader of mine named Vic Shuttee:
"Dan just doesn't get his due. In the end, maybe the person that had the
audacity... was us all along."
The complexity
Finish up this entry with The Monkey's Paw Tale of Dan Foley - All of the Aftermath
