The Funny 115 - version 2.0



#9.  The Rise and Fall of Jaime
China - episodes 5-7






Through the first 22 seasons, we have seen some memorable and some notorious Survivor villains.  

Most of the big ones you can name right off the top of your head.



























Yes, if there is one constant when it comes to a show like Survivor, you know that there will pretty much always be some sort of a bad guy in the cast.  There will pretty much always be some sort of a cocky know it all, or a smug loudmouth, or a guy who points and laughs at the fat kid's ass crack, and you know that the audience will spend sixteen weeks rooting for them to have an amazing downfall.  Or a humiliating comeuppance.  Or to lose to fucking Lill in the final endurance challenge.







Immunity wins and Darrah's body:  Two things that cease to exist under Jonny Fairplay.






Yes, if there is one thing that makes a great Survivor season, it is a great Survivor villain.







Fuck you, Make a Wish Foundation.  I'm keeping my hair.






Ah but wait.

There is actually a subset of "villain" that is even more impressive than just your plain old garden variety Survivor Villain.  In fact this special subset is so rare that it really has only happened about three or four times in Survivor history.  And that is a shame too, because when you get one of these types of villains, that is when you know you are going to be in for an amazing Survivor season.

Oh, and just what is this special type of super awesome, very hard to find, rare-but-amazing Survivor villain?








Yes you guessed it.  The female villain.






There have only been a handful of female villains in Survivor history.   And I'm talking real villains.  Not these sort of half assed, "Yes they're villains because we call them villains" villains, like Courtney and Sandra and Danielle in Heroes vs Villains.  

No, when it comes to female Survivor villains, we are only talking about real villains.  We are talking about the types of players that like 80% of the audience is screaming at from home because they hate them so much.   We are talking about players that the audience is scared of.   We are talking about players who get harassed by stewardesses when they fly on planes.

There have only been a handful of great female villains in Survivor history.  Sad, but true.

But the good news is that if they ever do actually show up, you know they are going to be memorable.







The Mount Rushmore of Female Survivor Villains





By the way, why is it that when a male villain shows up on Survivor, the audience loves it?  But when a female villain shows up on Survivor, the audience goes fucking crazy?  Why do female villains inspire so much hatred and anger and loathing from the audience?  Why is that?

There is probably a really interesting essay a person could write about this subject.  I'm not going to write it here, but if someone wants to tackle that particular subject, have at it.  I bet it would be a lot of fun.  Write a thesis about why Richard Hatch was met with "Oh that cagey scoundrel" and Jerri Manthey was met with "Man I hope somebody claws that bitch's face off."







Hey wasn't this entry supposed to be about me?






Oh yeah.  Sorry about that Jaime.  I got sidetracked.

Anyway, the reason I bring up villains is because we were treated to one of my all time favorite Survivor villains in the fifteenth season.  In fact, not only was she one of my favorite villains, she also happened to be a member of that extra special subset, the memorable female villain.  

What made her awesome is that she was probably the most unlikely villain (either male or female) in Survivor history.








Not your typical Survivor villain






Yes, this entry is dedicated to the rise (and fall) of one of the most memorable, yet forgotten, legends in Survivor villain history.  

It is the story of Jaime.






Who, me?






Now... you might not remember Jaime as a villain.  Or if you do, you will probably see that I called her a villain, and you will say to yourself "Hey wait a minute, Jaime wasn't really a villain.  She couldn't be a villain.  That was just editing.  Jaime Dugan can't be a villain, in real life she is a really nice person."







Nicer than you






Well yes.  In real life she is probably very nice.  Heck, I imagine she would have to be nice.  In real life she is married to the world's nicest guy.  

But here's the deal.  In real life I bet Jerri Manthey is really nice too.  I bet John Carroll is really nice.  I bet Silas Gaither goes to church and goes to visit his grandmother.  Nice in real life has nothing to do with it.

On Survivor?  In the episodes?  And according to the editors?  Jaime was a villain.

Which is awesome, because she has one of the quickest and most hilarious downfalls of any villain ever.







Jaime might be nice but she can taste your fear






So anyway, here we go.  The legend of Jaime.  From blow up doll nice person to villain to laughingstock in the span of about three episodes.

Call it editing.  Call it mean.  Call it unfair.  Call it whatever you want.  

The only word I use when it comes to Jaime's storyline is "hilarious."







"Ha ha!   That was the best one ever!"







THE RISE AND FALL OF JAIME DUGAN
A comedy in thirteen acts






ACT I - The Twist






It is the fifth episode of Survivor: China, and the Fei Long tribe and the Zhan Hu tribe are about to be hit with a twist







"Choose the two warriors from the other tribe who you feel could best help to strengthen your tribe, win challenges, and avoid Tribal Council."








"Circle their names below and they will join your tribe."






Yes, that's right.  It is the infamous game of "steal the other tribe's biggest players."  It is a Survivor favorite..

The only problem is that this isn't very good news for the biggest and strongest player in the game.







Can rip a phone book in half with his bare hands; banged Amanda






Yes, the victim of our story is poor James Clement.   The giant of China.

You see, James happens to be big and strong.  He happens to be built like an oak tree.  He happens to be about eighty pounds of muscle bigger than anyone else left in the game.  

The minute that the twist involved "stealing your other tribe's best warrior", he knew he was toast.








James realizes he is about to be stolen.  Bad times.






James knows he is screwed.  He knows the Zhan Hus are going to steal him away.  He knows that his game is pretty much over now.

Oh, and why does he know that his game is over now?

Well the reason he knows this is because the Zhan Hus, for lack of a better term, are a shitty tribe.  They suck at everything.  They lose almost every immunity challenge.  They bicker and fight.  They don't know how to find food or survive.  

James has seen the Zhan Hus try to compete with his beloved Fei Longs.  He has seen how bad they are at everything.  And he is completely demoralized that now he is going to be a part of that.






"Hey James, you know those idiots are going to steal you away."







"You know we're going to have seven, and you guys are only going to have five."












James knows this.  And he is trying his best to just laugh about it.





 







Oh, remember how I said that the Zhan Hus were a shitty tribe?

Well here is the ineptitude that James is about to walk into.

Here are the Zhan Hus reading the treemail, and completely misinterpreting the twist they are about to be hit with.

They realize that they are going to steal two members away from Fei Long.  But it doesn't cross their minds for even a second that they might actually be losing two players as well.  This is one of the funniest parts of the whole James/Jaime storyline.  The Zhan Hus read the treemail and they only see it as "Wow, we totally get to screw over Fei Long!  We get to take their best players!  Ha ha, screw them!"







The Zhan Hus read the treemail.  They see that they get to steal two people:  James and somebody else








Frosti:  "Wow, so now we'll be up seven to five?"







Peih Gee:  "That is the craziest thing I've ever heard."







Frosti:  "That is messed up."







Peih Gee:  "Oh my God, they're gonna be soooo pissed!"








Visible thinking






Yes.  When it comes to Zhan Hu, it is pretty much fail all day, every day.







"Now Zhan Hu's gonna have seven and Fei Long's gonna have five.  I mean, it's crazy."







"It's really gonna cripple the other tribe, I mean it's huge."







"Power really shifted to our tribe today."





*sigh*

Zhan Hu.  You gotta love 'em.

Anything you would like to add, Sandra?







"Hang on Asians, I think you're doin' math wrong."





Okay.  So the Zhan Hus know that they get to steal two players away from Fei Long.  That part, at least we know is accurate.

And who is the first person they immediately know that they are going to steal?







"James!  I call James!"






Yes, it is time for Jaime Dugan to rear her pretty little blonde head, and start down the path of the villain that she is to later become.

It all starts here, my friends.

Jaime is about to take the first two steps... towards her destiny... as an infamous Survivor legend.







"We need to take James!"








"We could just lose the challenge and then vote him off."





And with that, James Clement's Survivor fate has officially been sealed.







And the die is cast







F bomb






ACT II - The Goodbye








The boat arrives at Zhan Hu, and they finally realize that they are going to lose two members as well







You are losing Frosti and Sherea








No!!!!!!







No!!!!!!!!!!





With the Zhan Hus now being split apart between two tribes, that means they have to do a quick last minute strategy session before Frosti and Sherea take off for Fei Long.  This is the last time they ever will be allowed to talk.

Before he leaves, Frosti reminds them about the plan that Jaime suggested earlier, about throwing some challenges.







"No matter what happens, just remember that you guys have control of the two biggest players in the game.  You have control of James and some other guy."







"Just remember that."







Jaime will remember that





So the Zhan Hus say their goodbyes.






Frosti and Sherea get on the boat with the small Chinese man, and are ferried away to their fate







Jaime and the Zhan Hus watch them leave with a mixture of sadness... and anger







By Grabthar's Hammer, I will avenge them.







ACT III - The Decision








James marches off to his death on Zhan Hu







Approaching the wrath of Jaime








Death sentence






James and Aaron get off the boat and are immediately given a hero's welcome by their new tribe members.








"Hi I'm Ethan.  Don't unpack."






At lunch, James sits down and he tries to assess the situation that he has now been put into.  What kind of dingbats are these people he is supposed to call his new tribesmates?  

I love this little exchange, by the way.








"Who's the brain out of this group?"







"We actually all are."







Mmm hmmm







"Me and her do puzzles for fun and stuff like that, back home."















"Really?  Y'all are the brains?"







Mmmm hmmmm





















Yikes






James would love to try and stick around and try to salvage this tribe.  But it really doesn't matter.  Because the Zhan Hus don't want him.

Five minutes after he arrives at camp, they are already planning to get rid of him.








"We should just throw the immunity challenge tomorrow.  Duh."








"Yeah."






Peih Gee and Jaime go off in the woods, and this is where they officially hand James Clement his Survivor death sentence.








The fateful decision to throw the immunity challenge





































































I don't know.  Maybe we should.  What do you think?





And this is where Jaime does her best Ivan Drago impression.






It is decided.  If zey die, zey die.






ACT IV - The Challenge Throw







And so the immunity challenge arrives







Oh hai Frosti







Peih Gee tries to send signals to Frosti that they are throwing the challenge for him







So does Jaime







Yay!  They are going to save us!







Ah shit.  They took the apple.








The rules of this challenge involve going out and retrieving puzzle pieces in the water








And them bringing them back and arranging them in a pattern






Since the puzzle making will be the easiest place to throw the challenge, Jaime volunteers that she and Peih Gee will take care of that step.

After all, because, you know...







"Me and her do puzzles for fun and stuff like that, back home."












So Jaime hands out the challenge assignments.


























And so the challenge begins.






Aaron busts his ass to get the puzzle pieces back as fast as he can







James busts his ass to deliver them to Jaime as fast as he can







And what does Jaime do?







She takes the first puzzle piece, and tosses it back into the grass when James isn't looking







Tee hee.  Tee hee.







The missing puzzle piece






With one piece missing, Jaime knows she is never going to solve the puzzle







So she just stands there and starts giggling







What the hell?







"Jaime appears to not be concerned at all."







La dee da








La dee dee







"She's just standing there and humming.  You'd never know there was anything on the line."







Instead of actually solving the puzzle, she is just placing them on top of the puzzle board and giggling






James sees what she and Peih Gee are doing and gets mad at them.














"They have to fit on, y'all!"















Angry Asian statue watches this lack of honor and he does not approve





At this point even Jeff has figured out that they are probably throwing the challenge.







"Uh Peih Gee, you good at puzzles?"







"I'm good at Sudoku!"







"Aww fuck Sudoku.  Pay attention!!"






And then finally, mercifully, the challenge is over.

Zhan Hu has successfully pulled off the single most blatant challenge throw in Survivor history.








"Fei Long!  Had balls and actually made an effort today!"






Yay!







*seething*







Just to rub it in to the Zhan Hus that he is not happy with them, Jeff walks over and retrieves the piece that Jaime threw in the grass







"Zhan Hu, your extra piece.  That didn't really come into play anyway."







Very proud of herself







Not proud







"Zhan Hu, that was definitely the worst performance at a challenge yet."






"You had a big lead, but Jaime, Peih Gee, and James completely blew it."














"I'll see you tonight at Tribal Council."






ACT V - The Cockiness




The Zhan Hus gets back to camp, and at this point Jaime can barely contain herself.   She is this close to busting out laughing over what they just did to Aaron and James during the immunity challenge.






Jaime tries to keep from losing it







Bwahahaha







James sees her laughter and gets pissed again







"It was a hard puzzle, James!"







"It wasn't that hard!  A lunchlady figured out the puzzle!"







Are you fucking kidding me?







Meanwhile, there goes Jaime again.  Practically laughing right in his face.








"What on Earth do you think is so funny about this?"












After a few minutes Jaime just can't hold it in any longer.  She has to go off with Peih Gee so they can brag about how hilarious that was.







The giggle zone












































Then she goes and brags to Erik.






"Wasn't that awesome?  I was laughing the whole time."






Then, of course, she goes to Tribal Council.  Where she does even more giggling and smiling and bragging.







"Aaron, was it tough coming over here to Zhan Hu?"






"Yeah we were in a pretty good spot over in Fei Long.  Everything was going great over there."







"Coming over here, being down 3-2, and losing immunity... that was a big deal for us."







Damn straight





Meanwhile, here is Jaime over in the corner.  Continuing her "I'm so clever and funny and strategic" giggle fest.













Look at me Jeff.  Ask me what is so funny.  I dare you.   Bet you'll like it.







More trying to get attention from Probst





Finally, after it is clear that Jaime is trying to get him to ask her something, Jeff takes the bait.







"I gotta say, we're at Tribal Council.  The place where most anybody in this game never wants to go."







"And Jaime's smiling, and got a little..."







A little that







"Yeah!"







"Why all the smiling, Jaime?"







"Well I'm not happy that I'm here.  But I'm not trying to be all pissed off about it either."








"She's smilin' 'cause she has the numbers and she's chillin'."







"What happened at the challenge, Jaime?"






"I've been around a little bit in this game.  It appeared to me as though you had no concern about winning."






"As far as I'm concerned, I don't want to be stuck with someone that was just gonna go right back to the other side."





Now the logic behind Jaime's answers is okay.  I can understand why she would throw a challenge.  I can totally see why she and Peih Gee felt like they had to.  From a strategic standpoint I can totally see why people will get mad at me when I say that makes her a Survivor villain.

But here's the catch.  I'm not calling her a villain because of the challenge throw.  The reason she is a Survivor villain is because of the smugness.  And the giggling.  And the laughing.  That is the kind of shit I would never take from any Survivor character, male or female.  If you throw a challenge, and then you start giggling and laughing in the other person's face, I'm sorry.  There is no way around it.  I don't mean to get all Jeff Foxworthy on you, but you might be a Survivor villain.

Is a villain defined as somebody you want to see knocked off of their smug little perch?  Yes?  Then Jaime might be a Survivor villain.







"So I'm judging by the lack of performance at today's challenge, that you've decided you can't trust Aaron and James."






"And you threw the challenge."







Aroo?







Aroo?







Aroo?






Aroo?







You are dead to me.







"Yes sir."







James' great reaction to this






Hee hee.  We're awesome.














"James, this must drive you nuts."

   




"To watch people come into a game that's really about winning.  And see them continually lose.  And then, today, willingly lose."






"And they're happy!  They're smilin'."














"I could never do that."







"It's about winning the war, James.  It's not about winning the battle."







"You aint winning nothing!"








"That's why they lose.  It's not gonna work.  I can't work with you."








"I can't do it."







At this point, we are pretty sure that our beloved hero is about to be sent home from Survivor forever.

But... oops... at the last minute the Zhan Hus decide to pull the old switcheroo.








They vote out Aaron instead








James has been spared by the Almighty himself









You're welcome






And, well, that's it for Aaron in the game of Survivor.








*smuff*








The Giggling Assassin has claimed her first victim








Man, Survivor sucks








ACT VI - A New Hope




At this point in our story, James Clement is a walking dead man.  

He may have survived once, but there is no chance he is ever going to survive the next Tribal Council.  The Zhan Hus are just going to throw the next Immunity Challenge, and then send him home.  And then Jaime is going to giggle about it and go cuddle with Erik.

Nothing short of a miracle, or intervention from Mark Burnett himself, can save James at this point.






"We can just throw the next challenge, and James will be gone"




Ah, but wait a minute.

Did somebody say miracle?






Miracle.  I like that.




Turns out there is a miracle brewing over at camp Fei Long.

And it is coming in the form of a tiny gay flight attendant.






"Amanda, there's a hidden immunity idol here.  At our camp."






Huh?





Yes, it turns out that there is a hidden immunity idol somewhere at Fei Long.  Todd has known about it for a while.

The only problem is that he doesn't know -exactly- where it is.

All Todd knows is that there is an idol hidden somewhere around camp.  And if he could get one final clue to its location, he would probably be able to find it.  

And who is the only person in the game who would be able to give him that clue?






James Clement




James has that last clue.  Todd needs that last clue.

So Todd has concocted a plan.






"If we win reward today, we are bringing over either Aaron or James, whoever's left."





"Because they're going to give us a clue as to where that hidden idol is."






"And then I am going to find it."





Todd;s plan doesn't directly affect James or Jaime or the Zhan Hus at this point yet, but it will soon.  Just wait.  

The seed has been planted.






Why would Todd plant a seed?  Is Todd a farmer?





So anyway, the next reward challenge comes and, sure enough, the Fei Longs win.













"Fei Long!  Wins reward!"






Yay!






Huh





And sure enough, who do the Fei Longs decide to kidnap for the day?






Welcome back, James






Jeff gives James the last clue to the immunity idol






Booyah





At this point, Todd's plan to get the clue from James, and help James out with the idol, begins to come to fruition.






















James, of course, is willing to do anything at this point.





"I hope it's worth it.  I need somethin' to save me."






Crap






ACT VII - The Idol



And now the Jaime storyline starts to speed towards its final destination.





James gives Todd the clue to the idol






blah blah blah strategy strategy strategy






"I know what the clue is talking about."






"It's those stupid bats above the freaking thing."






The hidden immunity idol






The stupid bats above the freaking thing






Yeah!






So Todd and Amanda go and retrieve the idol











Then Todd turns around and hands it over to James.






Hey look, it has writing on the back.






Why would it have writing on the back?





At this point, the game of "blindside Jaime when she throws another immunity challenge" officially goes into effect.

Todd has officially just saved James' Survivor life.







"This is it, James.  You just have to lose the next challenge."












"James just has to take that idol"






"Lose immunity"






"They vote for him but he uses the idol to get rid of Jaime."






Wut?




By the way, this is where we get the famous (and already memorialized on the Funny 115) Todd slapping scene.






Oh yeah, before James goes back to Zhan Hu, Todd mentions one other tiny little important piece of information to him






"By the way James, since there was an idol here, there is probably an idol over at Zhan Hu too.  So when you go back to camp you can probably get a second idol in the exact same place.  Just look up."






James likes that





And with that, James now has a hidden immunity idol.  In fact he is about to have two of them.

And Jaime--- our giggling ubervillain--- is about to get the surprise of her life.






"Over at Zhan Hu I'm pretty much a dead man walking."






"But now I have the upper hand."






"They think they're safe?"






"Hey Peih Gee, we're safe."






"Wrong!"






"I'll be able to get 'em."





ACT VIII - The First Attempt




It is the sixth immunity challenge of Survivor: China, and James is about to idol Jaime right out of the game.

The stage is perfectly set.  It could not be more perfect.






Shit eating grin






Dance, puppets, dance.







"No, you goin' down, blondie."




Today's immunity challenge is a gross food eating challenge.  Another Survivor staple.






"Okay guys, it's time to eat."






"In honor of Heidi Strobel, here is a boob."





So the players line up to compete and... wait...

What is this?  

What's going wrong.

Holy crap.  Jaime isn't throwing the challenge today?






Jaime defeats Courtney in the "eating an eel" round






I love the look on James' face.  Whaaaaaaaaaat?






Jaime wins!






Huh?






Yes it turns out that the Zhan Hus have decided not to throw the challenge today.  





Something in the air has spooked them, so they have decided to be safe.






Where is your god now?





James tries to throw the challenge on his own, but unfortunately he is unable to do it.  He can't throw it because Denise (his opponent slash sex fantasy) is unable to get the balut down.






James tries to cough up his balut






But it doesn't matter, because Denise is totally grossed out by them and just gives up






*sigh*







Sorry James






Damnit






P.S.  James would still tap that







James wins the challenge for the Zhan Hus simply because he has no other choice







"James wins!  James scores for Zhan Hu!  Jaime is going to be spared tonight!"






Yay!




And just like that, Todd and James' first attempt to blindside Jaime ends in a miserable failure.






Fuck you, balut






James, did you see how I just owned you?






*growl*






ACT IX - The Second Idol




You know, when it comes to Survivor, there is nothing that pisses me off more than a wasted storyline.   There is nothing that pisses me off more than when a season starts down a perfect revenge storyline, when you can see everything that is about to happen coming a mile away, when you get all anticipatory about how awesome a fall like The Fall of Jaime is about to be... and then it all fizzles out and doesn't happen like an SBD fart.

I don't know what it is that I hate so much about a wasted storyline.  Maybe it is because I am a writer.  Maybe it is because I have written Survivor stories.  But I can remember just being absolutely furious when the Fall of Jaime didn't happen like the editors were promising it would.

I can remember few times in Survivor history that I felt more frustrated than I did at the end of China episode six.  When the blindside Jaime storyline didn't take place.  I mean, come on, how could that -not- happen?  That storyline would have been perfect!  

I remember thinking that that would have been one of the single funniest endings to an episode in Survivor history.






James is also upset that it didn't work out





But, you know, sometimes life just sort of works out for the better that way.

Sometimes when one door closes, an even better door opens up right next to it.  Sometimes you just have to trust the Survivor comedy gods and have faith.

Because what happened next-- what happened immediately after the failed Jaime blindside-- turned out to be an even better storyline.






Frustrated and dejected, James comes back to Zhan Hu and he sulks






And then he notices that second hidden immunity idol






Aroo?






Nobody here at Zhan Hu knows that is an immunity idol yet





While the other members of Zhan Hu go down to the beach and talk strategy, James takes the opportunity to pry loose his second hidden immunity idol.























James pries the first piece of wood off of the gate, and he notices that it is blank.  It doesn't have any writing on the back of it.






Wrong one






"I picked off one, it was the wrong one.  It was a blank sheet of wood."






"Also, it didn't have a face on it."







Then he pries off the other one.  The real one.



















"I kind of had to hustle off to my bag to hide it."

















And with that, for the first time ever, a player now has two hidden immunity idols.






"So I have it now.  I have it in my possession.  I have the two idols."






"That's funny."













"I'm on Survivor with two idols."






ACT X - Oh Jaime



And this is where the Jaime downfall begins.






Day 19.  The Zhan Hus are all sitting around camp, doing nothing.






And that's when Miss Blow Up Doll Southern Peach notices something
































Mmmmm?




Erik walks over and he sees the blank piece of wood that James has left on the ground.











Well look at that.  

I wonder why James pried it off like that?






"This used to be hanging on the archway"






"And it looks like someone took it off."






"I don't know if it was James, 'cause James now knows that there's a hidden immunity idol."






"I don't know if he knows where it is, or what it is."






"But, you know, it looks... idollish."












Checkmate, James.  We got you.





Erik takes the "idol" back to camp, and he hands it to his girlfriend.

And since Jaime is the really smart one who, you know, does puzzles and stuff back home, she decides to stash it.







Well I do declare





Well I'll be






I'll just stash this thing away for later





And as for the Fall of Jaime Dugan?

Well from this point until the end of the entry, it is probably best to just close your eyes and shake your head.

Because things are not going to end well for the Giggling Assassin.







"It could definitely say, like, "Immunity Idol" in Chinese and I'd have no idea."





"It's a weird symbol, so I don't know what it stands for."





Jaime has a hunch that this piece of wood is a hidden immunity idol.  She has a hunch way down in her bones.

First though, she wants to dig through James' bag to see if her hunch is correct.






"I just wanna look in his bag."






"Think he'll see me if I pull it out?"












"I feel it!"





"He has one in here!"


















"I think it's the same thing we have."





"He's got one in each pant leg."





"He has two of 'em!"


















ACT XI - The Confessional



And this is where it all comes together.





Day 20.  From this point on, pretty much every single thing Jaime says will make her look like a fool.






James notices that somebody took the blank piece of wood





James notices that the board is gone.   He believes that somebody around here probably thinks it is an idol.

He then sits down and gives us perhaps the single funniest confessional in Survivor history.

This is a scene that I already wrote about in my James Clement character entry.  I included it as the #1 funniest thing about James.  However, it is so funny in my opinion, that I believe it warrants writing about again.  Seriously, this could be the hardest I have ever laughed during any confessional in 22 seasons of Survivor.  

The next two minutes of Survivor are about as funny as the show has ever gotten.  This is absolute 100% TV comedy gold.

Ready for it?  Here comes the reason The Fall of Jaime made it into the Top 10.  It is all because of this confessional.






"The first board where the immunity idol could have been was a blank board."






"Well apparently it's missing, cause I didn't see it."






Huh






"I know an animal didn't come and pick it up and take it away."












"I think Jaime would have been looking for it."













"But there's no way this dummy grabbed the wrong one."






"Cause it would have to say immunity somethin' on it."












"The thought of this woman, havin a blank one..."













"I would not be able to take it.  I would pass out in pure joy."













"My head would explode!  (laughing)  I mean... please let that happen!"














"Please.  That would be the best thing ever!"














 James just completely loses it







(laughing)  "That would be the best one ever!"






"You pull out a blank thing.  And was like.."


















"And I'm like, what you mean?"






"But it don't have no writin' on that."







"You at least have to have somethin'"







"What about..."







"One of theeeeeeeeeeeeese!"







One of my favorite animated Survivor gifs ever.  Poor Jaime.







ACT XII - The Part Where Jaime Talks Too Much



Remember when I said that pretty much everything Jaime said from this point out made her look like a fool?

Well I wasn't kidding.  

If you are Jaime's mother, and you are reading this entry, you will probably want to skip this part.   I am warning you.   Turn back now, this isn't going to be pretty.






"Okay guys.  It is time to merge."




In episode seven, the tribes merge.

And from here on out, Jaime's downfall is embarrassing... and swift.






"We merged, so it's pretty exciting."






"I really don't know how to take it all in right now, it happened so fast."






"I'm excited to have the hidden immunity idol."






"That's gonna be a whole new ballgame."





In the first individual immunity challenge, Jaime comes close to winning immunity.

But she doesn't.






Who is going to win immunity today?  Is it going to be Jaime or Frosti?






And the winner?  Not her.






Yeah baby






Crap





And this is where the editors decide it is time to bury their female Survivor villain.






James goes around and he tells everyone that Jaime is going to play a fake idol tonight












Wow.











"How great would that be?"






















Meanwhile, Jaime is walking around and she is still trying to pimp her idol out to everyone.







"I have the idol, Frosti."






"We must have spooked James, and he dropped it."






"We might as well try to use it tonight."




And then, the coup de grace.

After this scene, there is no way Jaime Dugan will ever be taken seriously again as a Survivor strategist.






Todd:  "What are you thinking?"






Jaime:  "Do you know anything about the immunity idol?"






Jaime:  "If you can keep me around, tomorrow I'll tell you who has it."






Jaime:  "There are two of them."






"Jaime made it sound like someone from their tribe has one, and someone from our tribe has one."













"Wow.  Does she have to catch up."






"She's on the small bike in the back, you know?"






"Just pedaling as fast as she can."






Um... giggle?






James does his impression of Jaime on the small bus






Todd (under his breath):  "Is your info good?"





"Oh yeah.  It's good."





Wait, did I say that that was the coup de grace?

I'm sorry.  I was wrong.

This confessional from Jaime is the coup de grace.

Seriously, what did Jaime ever do to the Survivor editors?  Why did they hate her so much?  Did she turn one of them down for a date or something?





"Ive come to realize that I'm very good at playing stupid."






"And it works to my advantage, so I think I'm just gonna stick with it."






"As far as the other tribe is concerned, I think they kind of think I'm a little Jessica Simpson out here."






"You know, running around in the jungle."






"If Todd sees me play the hidden immunity idol tonight, he's definitely gonna be floored when he sees it come out."







"I think it's probably gonna shock everyone tonight, including Jeff."










And now?  

The Jaime Dugan death blow.






"I'm not as dumb as I look."






"Maybe they're figuring it out."












ACT XIII - Denouement



You can probably figure out what happens from here.

This is where the Giggling Assassin finally gets her Survivor comeuppance.






"All the votes are in.  I will read the votes."






"Jeff?"






"Huh?"






"I have a question for you."






"Yes?"






"I found this at camp lying on the floor."














"So I thought it might be immunity."















Hey, how about that Todd?  Are you floored?







Yes.  I'm floored.







Yeah nice try Jaime.  This is a piece of wood.







Wut?







Yeah I think I'll just burn this.







Trivia note: this is the first time Jeff ever threw a fake idol into the fire







Mah werd.







Revenge is a dish best served cold.  And with subtitles.





And sure enough?  

After Jaime tries to play the first fake idol in Survivor history?






Bye bye blondie






So much for her dreams







*smuff*






I am angry statue, and I approve of this comeuppance








And so there you have it.  The rise, and fall, of one of the great forgotten villains in Survivor history.  

The story of Jaime.





Yeah who's giggling now?





What did we learn from it?

Well first off, we learned that if you throw a challenge, don't be a giggling ass about it.  Because, you know, it's one thing to throw a challenge.  It's one thing to make a move that is strategic, and to try to be subtle about it.  But it's another thing altogether to act like you're five years old and to laugh in the face of the person you are trying to get out.  Jaime might be a nice person in real life (I am sure that she is) but there is no way the editors just totally created her villain persona out of thin air.  She totally deserved every bit of villain heat she got, because that scene where she threw the challenge and then started laughing was just ridiculous.

Remember, when I call her a Survivor ubervillain, I do so for a reason.  As a character, she might be nice, but she needed a downfall.












However, that being said, I will admit that this was one of the few entries on the Funny 115 that I kind of felt bad about writing.  I felt bad about it because the editors really buried Jaime.  I mean, they -really- buried Jaime.  Pretty much all of episode seven was dedicated to the editors trying to make her look like an idiot.

And so there was the dilemma I ran into.  When I wrote this entry, did I want to hop on board the editor train and bury Jaime just like the editors did?  Or did I want to soften the blow and kind of go easy on her?  Which way would make a better writeup?  Because there was no way this entry was not going to make it on to the Funny 115.  The whole Jaime storyline was just way too funny, and the James confessional was just way too good.  This entry was going to wind up in the Top 10 no matter how I decided to write it.

In the end, I decided to just kind of straddle the line.   I tried to make the entry as funny as I could, yet at the same time I had to show why Jaime was a villain, and why she deserved to be called a villain.  I also wanted to point out that this was the first time a fake idol had ever been played in Survivor history, and how a lot of people have forgotten that since it happened again in the next two seasons.  

Over the years, people have forgotten just how epic the whole Jaime Dugan storyline was for its time.






Randy's and Siska's might have been better, but Jaime's was first






In the end, when I stop to think about the Rise and Fall of Jaime Dugan, I guess the only way I can properly describe it is "serendipity."  It was the perfect storyline where perfect components all lined up to create the perfect downfall.  It was one of those rare storylines where everything just sort of fit together perfectly to play out like it should have played out.   You don't get storylines this epic or this awesome very often when it comes to Survivor.

So just remember that.  When it comes to Jaime's adventures in China, always remember these five things and you should be fine:

1. Jaime is probably a very nice person in real life.
2. Jaime was the first player in Survivor history to play a fake idol.
3. Jaime's storyline was one of the best storylines in Survivor history, and should never be forgotten.
4. Jaime definitely deserved every single time she was ever called a Survivor villain, and her downfall was perfect for her character.
5. And serendipity.  Sometimes it just works out.  Sometimes it just all comes together.




















* Special thanks to my friend Jean-Damien Buisson for the CGI Brett picture.   Yeah that's right, there was a CGI Brett in this entry.  Now go back and find it.  :)



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