The
Funny 115 - version 2.0
#43.
Shane Powers - A.D.D. Psycho Boy
Exile Island - all season long
Ahhhh! Invisible pixies on my fingertips! Aaahhhhh!
There have been a lot of memorable, fun, unique characters in Survivor
history, but if you are looking for a guy who was fun to watch because
he was probably legitimately going crazy out there, you don't
have to look any further than the A.D.D. Psycho Boy of Exile Island
himself, Shane Powers.
Without a doubt, he was one of the biggest slam dunk obvious choices to
have a character entry when I sat down to create this countdown.
Shane approves
What makes Shane so worthy of getting his own character entry on the
Funny 115? Well that's easy. For starters, he was
nuts.
No, I don't mean he was nuts in the traditional sense. I
don't think Shane is going to go out and start sniping people off of a
bell tower. I don't think he is going to go around saying he
was the best player in Survivor history when he only won one time out
of four. I don't think he is going to
start taking strategy and life advice from his dead
great grandfather, Jessum Blackberry.
No, when I talk about Shane being nuts, I am talking about the fact
that he was slowly and obviously being driven nuts by the game of
Survivor.
And just how was he being driven nuts?
Well why don't we just let Shane explain it to us in his own words.
It's day one of Exile Island, and Shane is about to explain the most
poorly thought out detox plan in the annals of history.
"You know, I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day for 20 years, and I
haven't had a cigarette in... like... 31 hours."
Shane without nicotine
"I mean, I'm at the end of my rope. I'm fried."
Fried
"I'm not in a good spot, man. Like, I've got to get through
this detox for sure, this cigarette stuff."
"I hate you, trees! I hate you, sky! Fuck you
too, cloud!"
"I can't lash out at anyone. I can't. I can't."
Shane ponders how he isn't going to ever lash out at anyone.
Man, this is going to suck.
So anyway, there you have it. Shane's strategy going into
Survivor.
He is going to smoke three packs a day for twenty years, and then the
morning of Survivor he is going to quit. Just like that.
Survivor-- probably the most stressful and mind-f'ing game on
the face of the Earth, is going to be his totally immersive detox plan.
And from this great genesis of a storyline, this is how madness is born.
Mmmmmm. Shane likes shiny things.
Oh yeah, I guess I forgot to mention something.
I already mentioned how Shane was going through massive nicotine
withdrawal all throughout Exile Island, right? And I
mentioned how he referred to himself as "A.D.D. psycho boy"
even before he got hit by the lack of cigarettes, correct?
And I mentioned how he liked to refer to himself as "34 going
on 12" even before he started to slowly drive himself crazy.
Didn't I?
"I'm not old. I'm 34 going on 12."
Well take all these quirky, odd, unpredictable, spontaneous character
traits, and then throw massive nicotine withdrawal on top of it.
And then you pretty much have Shane's life for the next 39
days. It is going to be a one huge crazy orgy of
anger and unpredictability.
Oh wait, no that isn't quite it.
I forgot to mention something. Not only is Shane going to be
slowly driven crazy because of Survivor and chemical dependency, he is
also going to be slowly driven crazy by the fact that he is an alliance
with two of the most annoying people on the face of the Earth.
"Hi, I'm a fire dancer."
"Hi, I'm a meatball."
And this is where Shane snaps. From this point in the game,
from the minute he meets up with and aligns with Courtney and Danielle,
that is when the legend of "Shane the A.D.D. Psycho Boy" is officially
born.
Shane before Danielle and Courtney. It is the last time he
will ever smile.
"Shane, why is your aura so dark? I really think we should
hug more."
"Shane, you aren't listening to me! Listen to me, I have
some good ideas!"
"Shane, what color do you think love is? Do you think when
God cries, it makes flowers?"
"Shane, you need to pay attention when I'm talking! Why are
you always such a dick?"
"Shane, did you know that when I fart it smells like bunnies?"
And yes. There you have it. For the entire rest
of the season... thanks to the nicotine, the game of Survivor, and the
Casaya alliance... Shane is now officially crazy.
Gone
There are so many great Shane moments and scenes and quotes from Exile
Island, but unfortunately (or fortunately if you are a Shane fan) most
of them are going to get their own entry on the Funny 115. In
fact, up to this point, he has already had three entries- #104. Shane's Pooch,
#94. Shane's
Response to Danielle the Motivational Speaker, and #70.
Shane's Blindside.
The good news about Shane having so many entries (not to mention the
five Shane entries that haven't even come yet) is that by the end of
the countdown, he is going to be all over the Funny 115 (as well he
should be, he is one of the all time best characters). The
bad news, of course, is there isn't all that much left to write about
for his character entry. Most of the stuff you think would
show up in a Shane entry is going to wind up in his other scene
specific entries.
However...
There is a silver lining here.
Remember, when we talk about Shane Powers, we aren't talking about just
your everyday random funny minor character here. We are
talking about Shane. We are talking about probably one of the
ten or fifteen most entertaining characters in Survivor history.
When I say that "Most of his big moments are going to get their own
entries", that isn't really as big a deal as it would be for other
minor Survivor characters. Because would you believe there
are still seven different Shane scenes I can also write about here in
his character entry?
That's right. Shane Powers is going to show up on the Funny
115 in nine
different entries. And then in this one I have seven specific
scenes that I couldn't even fit into their own entry. Shane
Powers might actually come close to Coach as the person with the most
overall
moments on the Funny 115.
I like chicken! Grrrrrr!
So anyway, here we go. The seven Shane moments that I
couldn't fit into their own entry, but I thought were funny enough to
include on the Funny 115. If you haven't appreciated Shane as
a character until now, I sure hope that changes.
1.
Shane quits, but can't quit.
I love this part of his storyline. Shane makes a quickie
alliance with Courtney, Danielle, and Aras on day four, but then
suddenly decides he wants to quit because the nicotine withdrawal is
too hard on him. Only he can't quit because his three
alliance mates won't let him. This type of ridiculous
storyline only could have happened to someone like Shane.
Day four - "I've got this awesome new alliance with these awesome new
people!"
Shane! *whine* *whine* Strategy!
*whine* *whine*
"I want to go home."
"We love you Shane. Don't leave. We need you."
"And I'm back!"
"Shane, your chakra seems really dirty. We should really go
meditate and smear each other with fluids."
"This sucks. Get me out of here."
"Shane, you can't leave! No startsies, no quitsies!"
"And I'm back!"
"Shane!" *whine* *whine* "Bobby."
*whine* *whine* "Outhouse."
"Shane!" *whine* *whine* "He drank the bottle!"
*whine* *whine* "Aras took my rock."
"Shane!" *whine* *whine* "He dropped a
deuce." *whine* "He did a King's Ransom."
*whine* "He's not a gentleman."
Hopes for death
2.
Shane flips out over his thinking seat
Everybody loves this scene. Shane just randomly
flips
out over the fact that people in Casaya might sit in his special magic
place.
There is no lead up to this scene. No warning. No
preamble. No nothing. Shane is just sitting there
talking and he decides to randomly snap. It is beautiful.
It's episode three, and Danielle's breasts are coming over to check on
the fire. I love the shot of looming Shane in the background
just waiting for her.
Don't fuck with this guy
Shane decides he is going to start speaking
"It's mine for the rest of the..."
"Please. Actually. Could no one else sit on my
thinking seat? Please?"
"Why's it have to be yours?"
"Because I PICKED IT. (screaming) YOU WANT THIS
ONE?! I'LL GO GET ANOTHER ONE!!"
(screaming) "I WANT ONE! -THIS- ONE!!"
Um...
"IF YOU WANT THIS ONE I'LL GO GET ANOTHER ONE!"
Um...
"I JUST WANT -ONE!-"
"-THIS- ONE!"
Cirie busts up
Grrrrrrr
3. Shane falls off the
wagon during a reward trip
This is a great scene where Shane is on a reward trip with the Casayas,
and
a smoking kid who was planted by CBS for drama purposes
Panamanian
teenager walks by who is smoking a cigarette. Well,
considering that Shane is deeply deeply in the throes of nicotine
withdrawal at this point, you can pretty much guess what happens next.
He pretty much begs the kid for a cigarette, and then falls
completely off the detox wagon.
Shane sees the kid smoking, and starts begging him for a cigarette
That? Yes. For me.
"This is probably a really bad decision."
And then we get one of the most iconic images of Shane Powers in Panama.
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm
Shane
starts smoking away, and that's when the nicotine suddenly comes
rushing back into his system. Needless to say, after two plus
weeks of going cold turkey, he isn't quite ready for it.
Uhhhhhhhh
More smoking
Happy Shane
Uhhhh durrrrrrrr
4. Shane stuffs his face
This
is one of those scenes that dozens of people requested when I asked for
Funny 115 nominees. Look for the final image at the end and
you
will understand why. This scene features one of the twenty
best
screen caps on the Funny 115.
It's the episode nine immunity challenge, and Shane has opted to eat
instead of compete in the challenge.
The goal is to eat as much as you can before the challenge ends.
Om nom nom nom.
About ten minutes into the challenge, Terry wins immunity.
The challenge is over.
Instead
of putting his food down like he is supposed to, Shane decides to stuff
the entire rest of the burger into his mouth. All in one
motion.
"That's it. Stop eating guys."
And that's when we get the Hall of Fame Funny 115 images seen below.
Shane has literally unhinged his jaw and stuffed in the food like he is
a snake.
Mmmmmpf?
Probst sees this and busts up
5. Shane has a bad
round in the reward challenge
Awesome scene. I don't even have to add much commentary to
this one. The pictures pretty much speak for themselves.
It's episode ten, and Probst is running the infamous "Talk shit about
the other people left in the game" challenge.
"Question number three. Who mistakenly believes they are
running this game?"
Shane reacts
"News to you, Shane?"
Yes.
Courtney comes up immediately afterwards and she chops one of Shane's
ropes.
"I chop you Shane, but I still love you. I love your spirit."
Fuck you.
"Wow. That was a rough round for you, Shane."
Glaring daggers
Cirie sees this and busts up
6.
Shane and his Blackberry
Here is another great scene that was requested by a lot of people.
It
is the eleventh episode of Exile Island, and by this point Shane has
pretty much gone completely insane. One day he picks up a
random
piece of wood, and he starts calling it his Blackberry.
Shane shows off his new Blackberry.
Um...
Shane logs onto Facebook and checks on his Farmville game
Danielle's breasts are confused
"My Blackberry is awesome."
"It's got texting, email, phone, web browser... it's got everything."
"When
I think about something I want to tell my partner, I shoot him off.
Or talk to my son, because my son can text on his cell phone."
"It's actually helped my day. I am communicating with people
not on this island."
"He's nuts."
7. Shane's final
challenge in Panama
Not
many people remember this scene, but it is a personal favorite of mine.
In fact, this happens to by my kids' favorite scene from
Exile
Island. My son and my daughter happened to be watching some
of
the seasons with me when I was researching the countdown, and to this
day they still remember Shane saying "Shaddap!" to Terry.
Every
time I say I am writing an entry about Shane, my daughter says, "Hey I
know him. Isn't he the Shaddap guy?"
So anyway, here you go. Shane's final blaze of glory in Exile
Island.
It is the episode twelve immunity challenge, and the final five players
are competing to see who will make it to the final four.
Sure enough, like always, Terry wins.
Woooooooooooooo!
"Terry! Wins immunity! For the fifth straight time!
He's almost as awesome as Boston Rob!"
%#@!&#&!
Terry celebrates by doing a backflip into the water.
And this is where we come to the part that my daughter always remembers.
"Alrighty!!! Yeahhhh!! Woooooooo!!!!"
(in an annoyed voice) "Shaddddddap."
With the challenge over now, and his fate pretty
much sealed, Shane has one more final awesome moment before he is
blindsided at Tribal Council.
"Cirie, Shane, Danielle, Aras, for one of you, the game will come to an
end tonight."
Shane hears Probst say this and starts mimicking him.
(in a deep dramatic voice) "For one of you..."
"The game will END tonight!"
(imitating dramatic music) "Dun dun dun dun."
And then later that night, of course, Shane is blindsided.
Fuckers.
So what are we to make of all of this?
How are we supposed to remember the legacy of Shane Powers in Exile
Island?
I
don't know. All I know is that he was a funny character in a
freaking funny season, and I am honored to give him his very own
character entry here on the Funny 115.
Thank you for everything Shane.
"Screw this. I quit."
Ahhhhhhhhhhh
"And I'm back!"
P.S. I was going to finish the entry there, but then I got
this
great quote from a poster named Kaida over at Survivor Sucks.
I
asked if there were any favorite scenes anybody wanted me to write
about in a Shane character entry, and Kaida said that I should add a
paragraph about the way he walked. Quoth Kaida:
"The way Shane walked
cracked me up. Arched back, pelvis
forward, belly
out, shoulders pulled up and back. He looked like a constipated stick
insect."
And well, there you go.
For
the record, any email that successfully uses the phrase "constipated
stick insect" is probably going to make it into the Funny 115.
I
just feel it is fair to announce that at this point. Thank
you
Kaida!
